I know that you all know this, but I just want to remind you that Kim Kardashian has had a really rough time this year. She’s seen relationships fall apart, she’s suffered cruelty at the hands of the public. Really, what this girl needs right now is a friend. Like, a Golden Girls level friend. And I think she’s finally found that in Barbie.

On second thought, maybe not. Kim’s trying way too hard, and you can tell Barbie isn’t into it at all. Check out the way Kim tries to make conversation by asking Barbie what Ken got her for Christmas, and how Barbie just ignores it with a “see you next year!” What a callous bitch. And then Kim just lets it happen? Ugh. These aren’t new BFFs, they’re fake bitches. Keep looking, Kim, it’ll happen one day!

Yup, I spent the last few hours racking my brain over who the most obnoxious, most heinous celebrities were of 2011 and though there were probably, like, eighty-six I could have placed on this list (not including others from previous years that continue their douchebag reign well into the later parts of the decade), I decided on five.

#5 – Doug Hutchison

I know. I know. Some of you guys probably have a soft little spot in your hearts for Doug Hutchison because he just seems on the outskirts of fame, sometimes brushing shoulders with it, but mostly being cast side-long glances by people who matter because he’s so on the fringe that it’s impossible to pull him into the mainstream. And he’d almost be a sympathetic character if he weren’t f-cking a teenager. Because I don’t care how “young at heart” or “hip” you are; statutory rape is statutory rape, even if it’s consensual statutory rape, and that’s just creepy, yo.

#4 – Michael Lohan

There’s not really an explanation as to why Michael Lohan’s on this list. He kicks women in the cooter, is King Douchebag of the Lohan Clan, isn’t even tolerated by the most unstable Lohan, and was once married to Dina Lohan. Plus, he sucks at escaping police custody. Please. Doesn’t all of that give him a lifetime membership card to, like, be on this list for the rest of his time on earth?

#3 – Kanye West

Kanye’s a drama queen. A drama queen who freaks out over projectile pieces of paper and a drama queen who compares himself to Hitler. Kanye thinks he’s God’s gift to politics, women, music, and the economy, and the only ones douchier than Kanye himself are his fans.

Jump in to find out who the top 2 douches of 2011 were!

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Is it me, or does this photo just scream “I’m desperate and I’m never, ever going to get another decent-ish guy to sleep with me EVER AGAIN AUGGGGH!” If you’re wondering if that’s a trick question, the answer is “yes.” And “no.” And “does not apply.” And “what the hell does it matter, anyway, because Kim Kardashian is yesterday’s budget, garbage-like Paris Hilton.”

Anyway, this is a photo that Kim Kardashian posted on her Twitter account as a “gift” to her followers. The following Tweet accompanied the trashy photo:

I’m just so over this bitch, guys. She had me sucked in for a brief period and I’d thought, “Whoa, maybe there is something to this girl; maybe she does have something that a lot of people just aren’t seeing, and maybe she’s going to actually rise above mediocre reality star fame and make a positive move for herself.” But alas, I was wrong. And I’ve been wrong before, and there’s no shame in that. I’d call a moratorium on Kim Kardashian posts on this site from here on forward, but I have a feeling that Kim’s only going to become more and more desperate as the years go by, and really, who wants to miss out on watching that big-assed disaster float by?

Ugh. This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is definitely the worst Christmas card the Kardashians have had so far, and I’d know. We ran almost their entire collection here last year around this time.

So here it is. And for all of you lucky bastards out there who just love 3D, and who’re so rich (like the Kardashians) that you have stupid, senseless things around your house like 3D glasses, the shoot was done in 3D, TOO. You should probably play the lottery tonight, you know. This type of serendipity just doesn’t come along that often.

Me, I’m still trying to figure out the theme here. Is it “Have a Bad Photoshop Christmas”? Is it “Let’s pretend Kourtney has even half the ass that Kim does so happy holidays you bastard”? Is it “Ho! Ho! Ho! How ’bout we make Kris Humphries SOOOO JEALOUS that he missed the Christmas card by a few weeks by making the (cottage) cheese stand alone?” I don’t know. Maybe. My guess is that they were going for Marrakesh “classy” this time, but it never fails to amuse me that they confuse “classy” with “klassy,” and really, how appropriate is that?

Images via Celebuzz

As you all know, Kim Kardashian had a big fancy wedding and, as such, also had a big fancy registry. For instance, you could buy the happy couple a set of plates for only $12,000! But you also know that Kim’s marriage lasted just 72 days. So what happened to all those fancy gifts?

Surely she returned them, right? Her wedding guests received a package a couple months after the wedding that contained their diamond studded napkin rings with a note that said “LOL sorry about the sham of a wedding XOXOXOXOXO,” surely. Or, if not, Kim donated the items to charity. It has to be one of those.

Oh, you mean she just traded in a bunch of gifts and got Rolexes instead? That’s cool too, I guess.

Ahem, again. I forgot “again.” Forgive me.

In the above clip with the rest of her female cronies, Kim sits with Barbara Walters, who paints a pretty unflattering (and vivid) picture of what really made Kim famous. Hint? It’s got all to do with riding some shitty, forgettable rapper’s dong and nothing to do with the fact that she’s an “entrepreneur.”

I also love how Kim’s twat mother is completely unashamed of the fact that she and her family hired an attorney to profit off of her daughter’s skanky, piss-filled sex tape in the most beneficial way possible. I mean, we all knew that, but it takes some serious spotted gonads to admit it to the ever-classy Barbara Walters.

Talk about seedy, man. SEEDY.