Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kim Kardashian

North West learns how to walk so she can get away from Kim Kardashian

kim kardashian north west

North West recently celebrated her first birthday – they grow up so fast, don’t they?! – and she’s learning how to walk. Apparently after a swim lesson yesterday, she took her first steps, prompting Kim Kardashian to post the above photo on Instagram to share her happy news and say how proud she and Kanye are of their daughter.

I’m actually surprised Kim didn’t miss North’s first steps because she was too busy taking pictures of her own ass. Small miracles.

Now that North can walk, however, that means she’ll be able to run, soon. Once she can, I recommend she runs straight out the front door of their house and as far away from her insane parents as possible.

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Kim Kardashian is a dinosaur, Kanye West is a blowfish

kanye west

Don’t worry if you were as confused at reading that headline as I was writing it – it’s to be expected, considering who we’re talking about here. In Kanye West‘s new GQ profile, he spouts a lot of bullshit. Par for the course, right? But here’s something you probably didn’t expect: in the interview, he compares Kim Kardashian to a dinosaur (“in a good way”) and himself to a blowfish. I’ll let you read and enjoy:

Why’d you decide to get married?
Saying “Hey, I like Kim” isn’t as inspiring to people as us getting married. And anyone that’s in a relationship knows that in order to get to the point to get married and then to be married and to then carry on, it needs that work put into it. Right now, people look at it and it’s like, “Wow, that’s inspiring.” Meaning that love is infectious. You know, God is infectious—God flowing through us and us being little-baby creators and shit. But His energy and His love and what He wants us to have as people and the way He wants us to love each other, that is infectious. Like they said in Step Brothers: Never lose your dinosaur. This is the ultimate example of a person never losing his dinosaur. Meaning that even as I grew in cultural awareness and respect and was put higher in the class system in some way for being this musician, I never lost my dinosaur.

Kim is this girl who fucking turns me on. I love her. This is who I want to be next to and be around. And then people would try to say, “Well, you know, if you’re a musician, you should be with a musician, and if you want to design, you need to be with a girl from the design world.” I don’t give a fuck about people’s opinions. Because when a kid falls in love with an airplane or a bike or a dinosaur—especially if you’re an only child and it’s not because of the book that the sibling was reading—it’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that the dinosaurs walked the earth and stuff like that?! That’s amazing! You mean to tell me that these giant multi-ton crafts can fly that fast and that loud, and they can flip, and there’s danger, the possibility of them exploding? That’s fucking cool! You mean to tell me that this girl with this fucking body and this face is also into style, and she’s a nice person, and she has her own money and is family-oriented? That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or dinosaur! And just as rarely seen.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Sorry, I just had to interrupt for that. Kim is as cool as fighter jets and dinosaurs? I just… sorry, I’ll let you continue.

Does that kind of mockery feel like an effort to de-fang you?
But also, there’s no fangs. I don’t have fangs. I’m a porcupine. I’m a blowfish. Like, I’m a—what’s the fish that blows up?

A blowfish?
Yeah. I’m a blowfish. I’m not a shark, I’m a blowfish. So that perfect example about me hitting my head, it’s like a blowfish. I wasn’t coming out of my house going to a paparazzi’s house to attack them. I’m defending my family in front of my own house. I’m defending my name as someone’s screaming something negative at me. That’s a blowfish. People have me pinned as a shark or a predator in some way, and in no way am I that. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I want to defend people. I want to help people.

Whatever, man. I’m always rendered speechless when I hear/read/see what comes out of this guy’s mouth. It’s a whole new level of insanity.

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Kim Kardashian loves her ass more than her baby

kim kardashian ass

Alright, alright, I know I’m being a bit sensationalist here, but seriously, could the woman spend any more time photographing her own ass? The amount of time it must take to snap pictures of Kim Kardashian‘s butt and then Photoshop must really cut into her time with her daughter.

Of course, she’d like us to believe it’s all hard work at the gym that gives her that 100% “natural” backside, so she posted the above photo on Instagram with the caption, “Gym time while my baby is napping!” Yeah, okay.

I swear if she spent half the time parenting as she does admiring her own reflection, that kid might have half a chance in life. Or maybe not… I forgot who poor North West‘s mother actually is, for a second there. She’d probably do better being raised by wolves.

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I don’t think Kim Kardashian knows what “lady lumps” are

Kim Kardashian mexico

Unsurprisingly, Kim Kardashian continues to prove to us on a daily basis just how slow she is, mentally speaking. Yesterday, she took to Instagram to post more pictures of her ass as she vacationed in Mexico, and she captioned it with “#ourlovelyladylumps”, which… last time I checked, is extremely incorrect. Shocker!

Here’s another shot, just because you haven’t seen Kim Kardashian’s ass enough times in your life already.

kim kardashian ass

As some commenters were pointing out on these photos, it’s almost like she cares about her ass more than she does about her child. I don’t know if these pics are evidence of that, per se – maybe she simply doesn’t want to share her infant’s face non-stop with the public to open the kid up to scrutiny. Still, I definitely think her head is too far up her own ass to be parenting a child. I guess it’s lucky that she can afford others to do it for her, then.

Kim Kardashian set to make $85 million from her iPhone game

kim kardashian hollywood

Okay, I’m going to make a confession here because it’s a safe space (no it’s not – feel free to make fun of me): I’ve downloaded the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app and I’ve played it to the point of reaching the celeb A-List. I even paid real live dollars (not many, but still) to buy more K-Stars to trade in for more K-Energy so I could continue photo shoots after my free allotment had run out. It’s a disease.

Seems like I’m not the only sucker, however, as she’s apparently going to make $85 million off this piece of shit game. That’s more than she made all last year from everything she did combined. Whaaaat?

From TMZ:

Sources familiar with the deal tell TMZ … Kim’s cut is 45% of net profits.  The game — “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” — is set to gross a reported $200 million this year alone.

We’re told the actual expenses associated with the business are relatively low.  A straight 45% cut of $200 million totals a whopping $90 million.  Industry sources tell TMZ … expenses would not exceed $10 million.

So … we’re no mathematicians, but 45% of $190 million is $85.5 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS.

To put this in context … according to Forbes, Kim made $28 million last year.

So ridiculous. I was just bored and stupid. What’s everyone else’s excuses? (The same, I imagine.)

But yeah, Kim is extremely rich. Hasn’t got the sense God gave her, but she’s got money to make up for it, I suppose…

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Kim Kardashian’s doppelganger spent over $30,000 to look like her

kim kardashian claire leeson

Kim Kardashian is, by societal standards, an attractive woman. She’s got an impressive rack, a gigantic ass, hourglass curves and enough plastic surgery performed on her to create a face that is, technically speaking, rather flawless. With that in mind, I suppose it’s not entirely shocking that there are women out there who would want to look like her… and would spend money to do so to the tune of, say, $30,000 (£18,000).

That’s what happened with 24-year-old Claire Leeson from the UK, who is “up to her eyeballs” in debt after becoming obsessed with Kim from watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians and undergoing multiple cosmetic procedures to get the Kim K look. She calls it “getting [her] Kimmy on”… seriously. And she even makes money off being a Kim K impersonator. Dear God.

Leeson has spent over 30 thousand dollars to transform herself into her idol. She’s undergone breast augmentation and regularly pays for teeth whitening, makeup, padded underwear (the Metro refers to it as bum padding which makes it sound fun and quaint but also not 350 pounds fun and quaint), hair extensions and extensive tanning. She pays for it all with credit cards and is now in extreme debt due to her transformation. She’s even been summoned to court, but that’s not stopping her. Leeson’s now looking into more extreme measures to emulate Kim. Her latest plan is to have fat transplants to her butt so that she can achieve Kim’s glorious derriere without the silicone prosthetics she currently wears.

Why are people so fucking crazy? Girl, no. Here’s her full interview on This Morning – and some more comparison pics – are below the cut:

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Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy advice was “sarcastic”

kim kardashian

Kim Kardashian recently insisted that women should never leave the house when pregnant, and that they should wrap themselves in giant blankets when they do. That advice seems even too stupid to be coming out of her mouth, but there we are. Turns out, she thinks you’re all a bunch of dummies, because she was just being “sarcastic” with all of that.

Yes, sounds hilarious, Kim. Why don’t you go into stand-up comedy? If someone intelligent was saying this – someone with a demonstrative history of having a great sense of humour – then maybe I’d accept the “take a joke!” excuse. As is? Nope, I think she was probably totally serious until someone with an actual brain made her aware of what she’d said.

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