Kanye West is NOT A CELEBRITY so we shouldn’t even be talking about this, but apparently Kanye is scheduling a tour for his upcoming album in October and word has it that Kim Kardashian is going to take her newly born moneylump and follow him. From TMZ:

There are reports Kim felt like Kanye was abandoning her by scheduling a tour for his new album in October — just three months after she’s expected to give birth — but sources close to the touring company tell us, that’s not true … because Kim and the baby are coming along for the ride.

And she’s not messing around either — we’re told the touring company has already been given orders to arrange for cribs and soundproof hotel rooms at every stop.

Ball so hard.

Hope your bus can float, Kim, because you know he’s hitting up all of Europe. He’ll probably go to Antarctica if it can buy him more time away from you and your childrearing plan. Not that it isn’t a great idea to bring a newly born baby on a tour bus for months.

Kim Kardashian isn’t expected to be a good mother by anyone’s stretch of imagination, but prepare for your percentage of faith to plummet into the triple negative digits when you realise that she’s going to be approaching motherhood using skills learned from… Kris Jenner. Momager extraordinaire Kris is the most batshit insane parent on TV and probably one of the most batshit insane off-screen, as well. Of all the adjectives to describe her parenting style, I don’t know that “good” would come in the Top 100. And yet…

Let us have it, Kimmy’s blog:

Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays because it’s a special day to honor my role model and best friend. As I’m counting the days until I finally get to be a mother, I’m a bit nervous and anxious but also excited knowing that I learned from the very best. My mom is a strong and ambitious career woman that despite her busy schedule and the millions of things she has going on, she still manages to put family first and continues to look out for us every day. Motherhood is a gift and I know after watching my mom do it, it’s not easy especially when trying to balance a career. I’m honored to follow in her footsteps and make her proud like I am of her.

Oh dear… Kim also says she’ll look to sister Kourtney for some help, which is, I suppose, fractionally better, but not by much. She hasn’t even given birth to this kid yet and it’s already shaping up to be a disaster. Her perfect romance with Kanye going awry? Check. Momager Kris trying to take over the whole affair? Check. Kim WANTING her to? Lord help us all.

Kanye West, dodger of Kim Kardashian and street signs, is concerning Kim’s family and friends by trying to spend as little time with her in Los Angeles and as much time in Paris as possible. Why is no one getting the hint?

A “close friend of the family” told Radaronline,

We just do not understand why she is traveling to Paris to see him. She is the pregnant one. Kanye will fly in to see the editors of Vogue, but he won’t fly in to see the lady carrying his child. The only way they have a future is if Kim continues to do whatever he says.

LOL at “the lady carrying his child.” Continuing on,

Some of the greatest records that have ever been recorded have been recorded in America. I am sorry that the US recording studios are not good enough for Kanye – they were good enough for Elvis, Sinatra and Michael Jackson, but not Kanye!

THIS IS A VERY COMPELLING ARGUMENT. I mean, wow! I am convinced. KANYE, GET YOUR ASS TO THE UNITED STATES IMMEDIATELY.

Another source gave us insight to Kanye’s new war against street signs, saying,

He told [Kim] that she should have guided him out of the way. He treats her like his assistant. She is putting up with it at the moment but eventually she will say enough!

LOL again, because the street sign thing reminds me of this:

She will never say “enough”. Kanye is her ticket to the A list. Not that she will ever be truly A list, but she’s now so many more levels above other reality stars. Whatever Kanye sees in her and whatever he wants to do with her and their child, she will agree to and cling onto for dear life.

Which sound a lot like this blind item from Blind Gossip…

She really, really wants you to believe that their relationship is so strong that the couple is making all their decisions together.

Ha! Not even close! He has totally gone off the reservation and is now making decisions without her… while she is scrambling to keep up and pretend that these are her decisions too!

This far-away house is not going to be her permanent residence too. Los Angeles is her home. She may travel  or stay somewhere for a few months, but she will never really leave LA. Her fame is contingent upon her being followed by the paparazzi, so to think that she would seriously move to a place where they are so restricted is illogical.

It is also an incredibly clever move on his part. He will buy a house, and let her stay there occasionally so that she can pretend that she is a sophisticated, international star. But he knows that she can’t stand being out of the spotlight long, and will high-tail it back to LA every chance she gets.

On the other hand, he will stay there frequently. That way he can be far away from her… and closer to his boyfriend.

I don’t think Kanye is actually gay, but I do think it’s clear this blind item is about them.

Kim Kardashian wore a delightful Mrs. Doubtfire ensamble to the Met Gala last week. It was so fabulous that Vogue cropped her out of a photo with Kanye, so that he could make the “best dressed” list without being tainted. Kim K’s deletion is making more sense considering that Anna Wintour really didn’t want to invite her. She didn’t last year, but this year relented as Kim is dating Kanye West who gives her more cred in the non-reality entertainment world.

But she drew the line at mom Kris Kardashian. From Radaronline:

“One Kardashian is enough!”

That was the blunt edict Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour delivered after learning Kim Kardashian‘s momager, Kris Jenner, enquired about attending last week’s A-List Met Costume Institute Gala, RadarOnline.com has learned.

“Anna approves every star who enters and although she finally relented on Kim, she drew the line at Kris, who was desperate to attend,” a source said.

“Anna wants a parade of stars at the gala, not a parade of reality stars!”

So I guess we can assume that we will not see Kris at this event, ever, or any other reality star unless they marry up. Hugely up.

AND I think we can assume that Gwyneth Paltrwoeisme will not be invited next year.

Kanye West has been remarkably restrained considering he is going to be the father of a medica circus’ future little media circus. (I’m referring to Kim Kardashian, in case you have mistakenly time travelled from the 1800′s and stopped long enough to get your gossip fix.) He’s mostly been dealing with it by living in France, where paparazzi laws are very strict. Living there allows him a little more freedom and also gets him far away from Kim Kardashian, her annoying fame hungry family and her entire reality empire.

So when he flipped out today at a paparazzo, I’m on his side. Kanye and Kim were strolling around, trying to avoid the paparazzi when he accidentally hit his head on a sign. (My favorite part is that the sign read “WRONG WAY.” So true.) It looked like it really hurt. He lashed out, blaming the photographers, shouting at them to stop taking his photo. I get that. When I stub my toe or do something like that I will shout at anyone near me and blame them. “YOU ASKED ME WHAT TIME IT WAS AND I STUBBED MY TOE, THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU DISTRACTED ME.” It’s stupid, but I do it. I think sometimes we all do. We’re having a rough day and we’re annoyed.

But Kanye wasn’t done. He went back and then raged at a different paparazzo. He’s really, REALLY upset. It’s hard to tell if he was violent with the video guy but he was definitely angry, using a string of curse words. It’s kind of intense.

The thing is, Kanye, you chose this life. You know Kim wants to be in public 24/7 if she could, you know she’s going to attract paparazzi, and you know she’s not going to change.

But I hope your head feels better.

Video (from TMZ), in which he completely freaks out.

Ah, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West – a love story for the ages! Kim’s going to be popping out Kanye’s progeny any day now, and it’s terrifying to think of these two as parents. Turns out if Kanye had his way, we wouldn’t even HAVE to think about them, because they’d be raising baby Kimye in Paris as a sophisticated French kid – something Kim is trying to put a stop to.

From Life & Style:

Life & Style can reveal that although Kim wants her kid to be born in LA, a source close to the Kardashian family dishes, “Kanye wants the baby born in Paris,” explaining, “He would love the baby to have dual citizenship.”

“Kanye is absolutely insistent that the baby will be raised in France, but Kim’s refusing to let that happen,” the insider details in the new issue of Life & Style, on newsstands now. “It’s so important for her to be near her family and have the baby grow up around its aunts, uncles and cousins. There’s no way she’ll stop fighting Kanye on this.”

Despite Kanye’s luxe Parisian penthouse the couple could be living in, the insider says of their previous agreed upon arrangement, “They were supposed to spend just three months in Paris. Now he wants to move them permanently to Paris.”

This is Life & Style we’re talking about, so chances are this story had as much thought put into it as a fart. Still, Kanye might just be that insane. Too bad we’ll never know, because Kris Jenner will NOT BE HAVING THAT.

And while Kanye is pushing for his first child to be raised abroad — reportedly a baby girl due in July — Kim has taken measures into her own hands. “Kim is against the idea and wants the baby born in LA with the family doctor who delivered Mason and Penelope,” the source tells Life & Style.

A family friend says Kim, has a strong ally on her side in momager Kris Jenner. “Kris is adamant that this happens and has already reserved the suite at Cedars and paid the deposit.”

But if Kanye knows what’s best, he’ll take this one as a loss. “Kanye isn’t happy,” the insider says. “But he doesn’t think he can win this one.”

Kanye’s ego may have the power of the Abominable Snowman, but it’s no match for the monster that is momager Kris. Doesn’t he know this by now?

Kim Kardashian wore a horrendous dress to the Met Gala earlier this week. It was so bad that Robin Williams tweeted her a photo of him in a scene from Mrs. Doubtfire wearing a similar dress, with “I think I wore it better.” (Kardashian did not respond. She made sure, however, to tweet a link to a Celebuzz post celebrating her “gorgeous” dress. Guess which company manages her website?) And rumor has it that her scowling beau Kanye “I’ve Made A Huge Mistake” West didn’t approve the dress, or rather, Kim’s take on it.

Which makes it utterly hilarious that on Vogue’s website, in their slideshow of best dressed guests, Kanye West is included but Kim Kardashian is not. And not only that, but she’s actually cropped out of the photo.

So what you have is Kanye holding a disembodied hand, and Kardashian MIA in the photo and in the entire gallery. Other couples photographed together remain intact. Kardashian was the only one cropped out.

LAUGH WITH ME, AMERICA. AND WORLD. WE ARE ALL ONE TODAY.

Thanks to Fashionista for pointing this out.

“I think I wore it better” he teases, posting a screenshot of an outfit he wore in Mrs. Doubtfire comparing it to the gown Kardashian wore to the Met Gala (via Coco Perez). So far, Kardashian has not responded. Interested to see how this plays out. Will she acknowledge it and laugh along or go the Bynes-McCarthy route?

IT’S A RUN BY FRUITING TWEETING!

Amusingly, Gossip Cop reports via Star Magazine that Kanye picked the dress out for Kim and was “annoyed” and “embarrassed” that she altered it by removing the belt and adding sleeves. Uh oh. If this is true, it makes sense that she wouldn’t respond, and Mork should watch his back.

Anne Hathaway actually blew me away with her punk transformation for the Costume Institute Gala for the “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum (or Met Gala for short). Doesn’t she look great as a blonde? Every year celebs dress to the hilt for the event for whatever the theme is. This year, it’s punk. So keep that in mind when looking at these photos — these looks are supposed to be crazy and over the top.

BEST: Anne Hathaway, January Jones, Sienna Miller

WORST: Almost everyone else, but especially Kerry Washington, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Kim Kardashian and honestly there were so many more I couldn’t even deal with.

PLEASANTLY SURPRISED BY: Miley Cyrus and Anne Hathaway

Check it out!

Katie Holmes. This isn’t remotely punk and you look physically uncomfortable and you should go home.

Katy, I love you, but I don’t love this. You look pretty but the whole thing is just…just not right.

Nicole Richie. Okay. Totally get what she was going for here. It does not work. But I really admire the risk.

This is as punk as it’s ever going to get for Taylor Swift, so I’ll take it.

Gwyneth Patlrow what in the ever loving hell is this? It’s ugly. And the gown you wore to the Iron Man premiere was way more punk than this. This whole thing is terrible. What are you even doing.

Cameron Diaz. Uh.

Jennifer Lopez. There is nothing about this that I like.

Kim Kardashian baffles me. She walks around running errands and eating lunch in sky high heels and tight leather and then for a punk themed gala she wears 1970′s living room drapes? And Kanye, are you about to conduct an orchestra? You both look stupid.

Blake Lively. Stunning woman. Boring and ugly dress for this event. It’s like you didn’t even try.

Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs. THIS is what I’ve been waiting for. This is how you do formal punk. Her bod looks killer. The dress is great for the occasion, and not too costume-y. The hair is very over the top and to that I say, well done. A+ for you, Miley. If you hate this, you and Katie Holmes should go hang out at the American Girl Store.

Rooney Mara is always a little punk, so for her this is almost boring.

January Jones. YES. My girl January ALWAYS BRINGS IT to the Met Galas. And I always bring her the love.

Michelle Obama’s Arch Nemesis Kerry Washington. Leather gloves and black taffeta stapled on the back? Really, Kerry? That was the best you could do?

Jessica Alba. WHERE ARE HER EYEBROWS? Is this purposeful? Is it just bad lighting? Can I just not see them? What the hell is happening where am I what day is it

Oh my God Kirsten Dunst, this isn’t even the right theme. You look amazing but you could have done this theme so well and instead you Gatsby’d it up. I’m so mad at you.

Sarah Jessica Parker wore some kind of…mohawk…headpiece? So points for sticking to the theme, but…Miley did it so much better. It almost pains me to say that. Almost.

And this is also as punk as we will get for Emma Watson. Okay. I accept it.

Ella Fanning got a little lost in the theme. I do love her eye makeup but the tie dye is not right. Even if the theme was tie dye. It would still be bad.

Nicki Minaj. This is like a dress you would get at Bebe for a girls’ weekend in Vegas. Do not like. She looks very pretty though.

Jessica Paré. Nooooo Megan Draper, why did you do this. You could have done something so much better.

Chloe Sevigny, I am so disappointed in you. This is so blah for you and so blah for this event. This is the kind of stuff you would wear to the Golden Globes. You’re Sevs, you gotta step it up for these occassions.

Ashley Olsen. I, uh, okay. Well it’s not boring. It’s hard to look away from. It’s intriguing. Kind of like the Tupac Hologram.

Anja Rubik. Haha. I like this. I like how strung out and Angela Bowie it is.

Julie Macklowe (“socialite”). This is a perfect example of taking the theme too far into the costume end. This is not good.

Madonna. She clearly went with the theme…and I’m not sure what I think. I need some time to think this over. And several days of meditation and soul searching.

Wat

Sienna Miller. YES. I LOVE THIS. This is perfect.

THE END.

Kanye probably made the worst mistake of his life when he decided to become the father of Kim Kardashian‘s moneymaker baby and word is that the tension between them is so bad that Kanye’s been hanging out in Paris just to get away from her. On the few occasions that they do see each other, Kanye looks like he hates his life. (Like right here.) The National Enquirer has even more on their dismal union:

“Things are incredibly tense between Kim and Kanye, and it doesn’t look like it will get better any time soon,” said an insider.

“As much as he knows that it breaks Kim’s heart, Kanye needs his space. He just won’t put up with the family circus that goes with dating a Kardashian.”

As The ENQUIRER has reported, 35-year-old Kanye has been locked in a bitter feud with Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner. He’s also clashed with Kim, 32, over her desire to involve him with the family’s reality series.

While the parents-to-be recently re­united in New York, the award-win­ning rap star has mostly been living in France.

“Kanye has told Kim that he needs to be in Paris to get inspiration for the album he’s working on,” said a second source.

“But the real reason he stays there is to put some space between them.

“If Kanye was in the States, he’d have to be at Kim’s side while she makes her reality show appearances, and he re­fuses to follow her around.”

Also apparently Kim is really mean and demanding when she’s pregnant. What no way really also how is this different from her usual demeanor?

“Kim is the most high maintenance pregnant woman EVER,” declared the source.

“It’s nonstop drama with her, and Kanye is at his wit’s end.

“She’s been bark­ing orders at him since the minute she found out she was pregnant. She’s constantly complaining about being swollen and nauseated, demanding that he rub her feet and massage her back.

“As far as Kanye is con­cerned, at this point ei­ther he takes this time out in Paris or they break up. But what­ever happens between them, he’s promised to be there for their baby.”

We all know that after she gives birth to this baby, the Kardashian buzz is only going to get worse. She’s not going away for a while. This stupid baby grants her at least another year of publicity and tabloid fodder. SO HOLD ON TIGHT, KANYE.

Here’s some photos of them from when they met up last month. I don’t get how in some photos Kim looks super pregnant and in others not so much.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to bring a child into this world in a few months, and after watching the above video, I’m more convinced than ever that the baby’s parents are 100% totally in love and happy together. Kanye’s definitely not regretting ever having fulfilled his masturbatory fantasy of f-cking Kim K and Kim most definitely isn’t thinking that this whole thing might have been much better if she’d just stayed with her oafy ex-husband. Look at how happy they are! Look at the affection and tenderness between them, the contented smiles on their faces! Oh, wait…

This clip is gold. He doesn’t even open the door for her! Now, I can see the comments coming already: not all couples like PDA, chivalry is an outdated notion, blah blah blah. But dudes – she’s massively pregnant and they both look miserable.

They say when you have multiple children that you should (and usually do) love them all equally, though in different ways. I imagine this unspoken rule is null and void, though when one of your kids puts out a sex tape that puts your entire family on the map and manages to pull in more money for you in a week than your other kids do in a year, combined. Such is the case with Kris Jenner and her brood – Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, Kendall, Kylie… and Rob. We like to forget about Rob whenever we can.

Khloe Kardashian appears on the cover of the new issue of Cosmopolitan, and her interview is… vaguely depressing. It’s probably meant to be enlightening, but it’s pretty obvious that momager Kris favours Kim over the other girls. You gotta treat your cash cow right, don’t you?

“I’d never manage my kids. We gang up on Mom and that has to be so hard. Now I’m getting older I feel sorry for her rather than resent her.

“[Once my mom told me] I was gaining weight, but she was talking to me as a manager, like I was ruining a brand deal. It’s hard to understand that and it’s more hurtful when it’s coming from my mom, but Kim is definitely her favorite.

“It doesn’t bother me. They’re so similar – they could be the same person.”

I know it seems like she doth protest too much (and seriously, who WOULDN’T care if your siblings were favoured over you?), but maybe since it’s Kris, Khloe is being honest here. After all, the most attention Kris has ever given her was when she was begging her to take a DNA test to find out whether or not she was actually  a Kardashian or a by-product of her old ass affair. This whole family just needs to stop.