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Khloe Kardashian

3A Very Kardashian Thanksgiving!

A photo of Bruce Jenner and Kim Kardashian

I am so, so sorry, you guys. I know that on Thanksgiving day, you were just sitting around with your boring old family, eating pedestrian turkey and peasanty stuffing. You hemmed and hawed every time somebody mentioned that dumb parade, and when your stupid cousin asked you to pass the potatoes, you could have just about bitten his head off. And who could blame you? Your mind was completely occupied with wondering what your favorite family was doing for the holidays!

Thanks to Khloe Kardashian and her blog, we don’t need to wonder anymore! Now we know that poor Bruce Jenner looked weird, Kourtney Kardashian‘s adorable son Mason was adorable, and that Dancing with the Star‘s Mark Ballas showed up to play a little guitar. Feel better? I know I do!

Oh, and speaking of Dancing with the Stars, guess who’s being courted to appear on the next season. Kris Jenner, y’all. Could the day get any better?

November 30, 2011 at 5:30 am by Emily

7The Kardashians are on the Cover of January 2012′s Glamour

photo of kardashians glamour cover pictures photos january 2012
I cannot imagine why these magazines are still running cover stories and photo featurettes even now, after it’s confirmed that Kim Kardashian‘s career is practically over. Oh, wait, right – because they already paid for this slimy-assed BS and probably have no other choice but to run it. I mean, it’s not as if they’re going to get anyone good in such short order. Whatever. I’m so over all of this, and this interview is sort of the cherry atop the whipped cream atop the gut-busting sundae that you just don’t need to eat, and the following quotes are hand-picked to be the best. Enjoy them in all of their absurdity!

[Kim] “I think I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. … It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.”

[Khloé]: I love Kim’s belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.

[Kim] “At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I’m not supposed to have kids and all that.” Editor’s Note: She’s JUST coming to this conclusion now?

I could go on, but I just about regurgitated Thanksgiving dinner (it’s still totally sitting there like a damned rock) when I heard all of the “poor me”-ing and “love and butterflies, not money and fame” bullshit. You can check out the rest of it here if you’re still looking for a good diuretic that’ll help with the post-holiday clog.

November 29, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah

5But Celebrities, How Do You Get All The Money?

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian

Do you ever wonder exactly how people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton get so incredibly, unbelievably rich with no discernible talent? Or even just any old celebrity, like, say, Beyonce, who, along with husband Jay-Z brought in $72 million this past year alone: yes, they work hard and they’re talented, but how do they get that ungodly amount of money? Sure, there are some cases where these stars come from rich families, but some people are just inexplicably wealthy. Did you ever wonder about how?

If you’re a little curious, check out this little breakdown to see where a lot of this money comes from:

1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight on an endorsement deal.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 “secret” endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

I can’t.  It’s too early, I’m too broke, I can’t. $10,000 to wear free clothes? $33,000 per lost pound? $10,000 per Tweet? Goddamn. I don’t know whether to try to figure out where I went wrong that I’m not making thousands of dollars for going to a club or to try to figure out where our society went wrong. I think I’m going to settle for somewhere in the middle, and of course by “somewhere in the middle,” I mean “stay in my pajamas all day, watch The Notebook and Beaches over and over, and weep.”

November 22, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily

14The World Is Trying to Ban The Kardashians

A photo of Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Khloe Kardashian

You guys might have seen some comments around these parts or on other blogs about a “Kardashian Free Zone Day,” a boycott of the E! channel on November 27th. You also might have seen talk of a petition requesting that E! entirely remove the Kardashians from their programming because “these shows are mostly staged and place an emphasis on vanity, greed, promiscuity, vulgarity and over-the-top conspicuous consumption. While some may have begun watching the spectacle as mindless entertainment or as a sort of ‘reality satire,’ it is a sad truth that many young people are looking up to this family and are modeling their appearance and behavior after them.” Right now, the petition has nearly 85,000 signatures, so whatever you’ve seen, people are getting pretty sick of the Kardashians.

Personally, I’m torn. I’d never seen any of the Kardashian shows until this weekend. Don’t tell anybody, but I was really bored and curious, and I watched the first four episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I appreciated the show like I appreciate Jersey Shore: it’s mindless drama that’s just fun to watch. I enjoy giggling at the stupidity of people, and since these people are getting paid ridiculous amounts, I don’t feel bad for it. Everybody wins! Except, I suppose, whatever people actually look up to the Kardashians. Oh, and those girls who were very young when the show started and were almost inevitably warped by Kris Jenner‘s need for money and fame, they didn’t win either.

So really, I don’t know where I stand. I don’t want the young impressionable youth to think that emulating Kim Kardashian is remotely ok, but at the same time, I can’t imagine that Bruce Jenner’s face will ever fail to make me smile. Is it too ambitious to dream that we lived in a society where people made their own choices instead of going with whatever idiot who made her way on television has to say?

Where do you guys stand?

November 16, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily

8The Katastrophy That Kaused The Kardashian Kontention

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think the incorrect use of all the ‘k’s would stop being funny to me? Think again, friends. The fun has just kommenced.

Not for the Kardashians, though. No, for the Kardashians, there’s apparently quite the riff that began with the divorce heard ’round the world:

“The family has split into two camps since the divorce – Kim and her mom versus the rest of the family, who are really angry at her,” an insider tells In Touch magazine. “Encouraged by her mom, Kris, Kim has become a fame-addicted, money-hungry monster. She has lost touch with reality.”

A source reveals that Khloe is “seething” over Kim’s actions — and while in Australia, the sisters got into a battle in a bathroom.

“Khloe was mad because Kim was trying to look sad [about her divorce],” describes onlooker Hannah Smith. “She was telling Kim that people would see right through it, and Kim was only making things worse.” Kim and Khloe got so nasty to each other that they were “swearing at each other.” Kim stormed out of the room after getting totally worked up.

Then at the airport when Kim, Khloe and Lamar were heading home from Australia, Khloe and Lamar ignored Kim as she tried to wheel her luggage. “It was as if they didn’t even know her,” notes a witness.

This sounds completely plausible, right? It’s pretty widely known that Khloe Kardashian is the best Kardashian, Kourtney is ok, I guess, save her taste in men, while Kim and Kris are the money hungry bitches of the family. Or, you know, that’s how it looks on TV.

Here’s another issue: there’s talk that this whole debacle could be the end of the Kardashians, that America is not going to be willing to put up with any further nonsense from this family. Could that be true? Based on the amount of information that I read about these people every single day (and guys, it’s a lot. Like, a lot a lot), it seems like we’re going to be exposed to the Kardashians basically until they die, but I can’t be sure anymore. Thoughts?

November 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily

6SNL Mocks Kim Kardashian’s Divorce, Which Should Be Terrible, Except It’s Really Funny

Here is a sad admission: I DON’T LAUGH THAT OFTEN. But this? This Saturday Night Live sketch from last night’s episode? Oh, I belly-laughed. I may have even guffawed. It was terrible, and I’m sorry. Except for, Kris Jenner is kind of the worst ever, and boy oh boy, did I laugh at Kristen Wiig’s version of Kris Jenner. Meanwhile, Andy Samberg’s limited talents (sorry!) were perfectly utilized in his portrayal of Kris Humphries. Oh, my God, and then Taran Killam as Bruce Jenner. Oh, my God. Just watch. (Charlie Day hosted.)

No, I do feel bad for laughing. I feel awful, actually: Kim Kardashian has reportedly flown to Minnesota to love-tackle (that’s a basketball term, right?) estranged husband Kris Humphries. Kim feels she was brash in ditching her husband of 72 days, evidently, and while this doesn’t signal a real reconciliation, I’m actually relieved that Kim is at least sort of trying.

November 6, 2011 at 11:15 am by Jenn