Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kevin Hart

Justin Bieber got roasted and it was… eh, mediocre

justin bieber roast

Justin Bieber‘s Comedy Central roast won’t air until the end of the month, but these things are pre-taped so it’s already on film and we know plenty of the jokes that will be part of the broadcast. Are they funny? Eh, vaguely. What I’m hoping is that they’ve saved the best stuff for the actual show, because if this is all they’ve got to offer, I think we’re all better off hitting up Netflix or something that night.

Buzzfeed published some of the jokes from the evenings, so here are a few… uh, highlights?

Kevin Hart:

kevin hart justin bieber

“Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” host Kevin Hart said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin.’”

“Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”

Jeff Ross:

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

Ludacris:

“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”

Chris D’Elia:

“You have it all. Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”

Hannibal Buress:

“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.”

“Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn’t work.”

Snoop Dogg:

snoop dogg

“You bought a monkey!” Snoop Dogg said. “I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”

There are more quotes at the source, but frankly, it seems a bit dire. Bieber made his own speech at the end, as well, which was supposed to be very sincere and heartfelt, I suppose:

“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old,” he said.

“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don’t define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry.”

“I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of,” he said. “Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me.”

Huh. Well, I guess we just have to go with that, even though it’s bullshit.

Can we talk about the most important aspect of this story, though? What the hell is going on with his hair? I mean, it’s so awful. Who told him to do that? He’s obviously trying to grow it out, but to WHAT?

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Kevin Hart will host the Comedy Central Justin Bieber roast

justin bieber kevin hart

Justin Bieber is probably going to rue the day he ever wished for his own Comedy Central roast, because Kevin Hart has just been announced as the host for the event. If you’re not familiar with Kevin, his stand up is some of the funniest out there, and he can be absolutely brutal when it comes to making fun of his fellow celebs. In other words, it’s going to be brilliant.

The roast will air on Comedy Central on March 30th and it’s sure to make great hate watching – as in, it’ll be great to watch if you hate Justin Bieber. The world still isn’t ready to forgive him for being a giant bag of dicks yet, so hopefully he can pay some dues during this special event. Let’s hope the roasters take no prisoners, either – it ain’t a roast unless JB goes home crying.


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Kevin Hart engaged to girlfriend Eniko Parrish

kevin hart eniko parrish

Kevin Hart has been with girlfriend Eniko Parrish for five years now, and things must be going well, as they’ve decided to tie the knot! Kevin proposed over the weekend and the couple shared their happy news with Instagram, as you can see from the photo above.

Here’s more scoop from US Weekly:

“She said YEEEEESSSSS…… #Happy #MyRib #iF–kingLoveHer,” Hart captioned an image of himself and his bride-to-be. In the pic, Parrish’s new bilge is on clear display while she hugs him from behind.

“Kevin popped the question,” a source confirms to Us Weekly. “They’re both thrilled. He knows she’s the right girl,” the insider adds.

Good for them! I like Kevin and I follow him on Instagram and he’s always posting pictures of the two of them. They seem really happy together and he’s really likeable (and hilarious), so hurrah (or whatever it is you’re supposed to feel about engagements).

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Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Hart rode a roller coaster and it was hilarious

kevin hart jimmy fallon rollercoaster

Kevin Hart hates roller coasters. Jimmy Fallon hates roller coasters (though not quite as much as Kevin – he’s petrified). However, The Tonight Show is filming in Florida at the moment, and when you’re at Universal Studios, you’ve got to ride the rides, right? And you’ve got to tape yourself riding those rides for public amusement. It’s only right!

There’s nothing quite like watching two grown men shit themselves over an amusement park ride. Plus, as fans of both Jimmy and Kevin, this clip is extra enjoyable.

Do any of you love roller coasters? Anyone have any ride disasters? I sorta want to go to an amusement park now!

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Kevin Hart Gets Arrested For DUI, Doesn’t Even Try To Deny His Drunkness

kevin hart

Kevin Hart is f-cking hilarious – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched his three comedy specials, but it’s easily 20 times each. His brand of storytelling is just so accessible and sardonic and I find him really, really funny. This article’s not about his stand-up, however. It’s about how he needs to sit the hell down and hand over his keys when he’s had a few too many. Not doing so will only result in a DUI arrest, which is exactly what happened to him in the early hours of Sunday morning.

From TMZ:

Kevin Hart was arrested early this morning on suspicion of DUI after he nearly slammed into a gas tanker while speeding on a freeway … TMZ has learned.

According to the California Highway Patrol, officers spotted the comedian driving in a black Mercedes on the 101 Freeway at around 4:30 AM PT. The CHP says he was “driving erratic,” “going 90 MPH” and “almost collided with a gas tanker truck.”

The CHP says when they pulled Hart over, he showed “objective signs of intoxication” and was “unable to perform field sobriety tests.”

He was booked into a local jail for misdemeanor DUI just before 6:00 AM PT and posted a $5,000 bond.

TMZ also talked to Kevin when he left jail and he completely admitted to being drunk and says he told the police who arrested him as much the night before. Good on him for his honesty, but people need to get their shit together and stop doing dangerous things like driving under the influence, which causes so many unnecessary deaths every year. At least he was good enough to realise the seriousness of the incident and post an apology on Twitter: