2Music and Video to Slit Your Wrists To on This Fine Sunday

Ahem. By the numbers, now, shall we?

:32 (this is going to be a long one, guys). Already I want to kill myself. How am I going to make it through the remaining four-plus minutes? Pack it in and hold on folks.

:41. Good thing Kendall and Kylie Jenner have their MOM to teach them how to dance like little whores on a boat. These two have a long road of fun cut out for them, let me tell you.

:55. Who are the wannabe-Kardashians? And why would anyone WANT to be a Kardashian?

1:11. KIM. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:18. Scott Disick is officially an embarrassment to all white men ’round the world.

1:22. KIM. WE KNOW IT’S YOU. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.

1:27. Weird Kardashian brother. Stop pretending that you don’t want to hump Kim’s ass, weird Kardashian brother.

1:33. MY EYES! I’M F-CKING BLIND! BLIND! BLIND!!!!!!!!

2:12. … Still recovering. And only Kim Kardashian would spray tan in the Dominican Republic.

2:27. Told you it was Kim’s ass.

2:40. “Have sex on rugs that’s Persian.” Let me guess: YOU’RE PERSIAN, KIM, AREN’T YOU.

3:15. One of those Jenner girls probably has skin cancer today.

3:16. … And Bruce Jenner was definitely about to slap her ass.

3:22. Wait. Where’s Khloe and Lamar?

3:56. Why can’t this ship just sink?

4:13. Wait. Kourtney’s water just broke? LIARS.

4:17. Kris Jenner is really classy spouting “motherf-cker” all over the place.

And that, guys? Is how you get shit done on a Sunday morning. Dear God.

June 3, 2012 at 8:00 am by Sarah

4Kendall Jenner is Modeling Again

Hey, look who it is! (It’s Kendall Jenner, younger sister of the Kardashians, in case you didn’t know or care to Google it.)

Girlfriend showed up looking … well, kind of fierce for a *nine-year-old at the Project X premiere, a movie about young kids doing dumb stuff and filming it on camera. Here’s the trailer if you haven’t seen it yet:

I know, completely craptastic, right? But you’re probably wondering about the modeling part, aren’t you. Because frankly, Kendall is a rather striking young woman, and though a lot of people say that she’s going to make a ‘forgettable’ model, they’re forgetting something themselves – most fashion models aren’t considered in because of what their face looks like. It’s about how they hold themselves; the shapes of their bodies, the faces they can make, and how lithe they are. She’s got all that going for her, and I have to say, it’s apparent that she’s had a lot of practice. Here are a few of her recent shoots for White Sands Australia, a company that specializes in bathing suits – and not the trashy ones that Kendall was caught modeling back when she was fourteen (no, really; fourteen).

See? It works, and it works pretty well, too.

What do you guys think of Kendall – not so much who she is or where she comes from, but her look as a model?

*Yes, I know she’s not nine years old. But in case you didn’t catch on just yet, I’m a big fan of ostentatious exaggeration.

March 1, 2012 at 5:30 am by Sarah

2Quotables: Where Is Santa Going to Be Tonight?

“We’re having our annual Christmas Eve party with my whole family. I don’t think Khloé’s spending Christmas with us this year…Santa Claus comes every year and comes and visits our Christmas party but only ours. Only the real Santa comes to our Christmas party.”

Kendall Jenner explains her holiday plans.

Did you catch that, everybody? Santa Claus is partying with the Kardashians this year. I know there’s that silly story that Santa visits children with gifts and goodies on the night of Christmas Eve, but no. He only visits the Kardashians. So don’t hold your breath.

Also, did you catch the part where she said that Khloe isn’t spending Christmas with her family this year? Are you convinced that she’s the best Kardashian yet?

December 24, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily

12Kheck Out the Kardashian’s Klassy Khristmas Kard for Khrist’s Sake, KKKKKKKKK

Ugh. This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is definitely the worst Christmas card the Kardashians have had so far, and I’d know. We ran almost their entire collection here last year around this time.

So here it is. And for all of you lucky bastards out there who just love 3D, and who’re so rich (like the Kardashians) that you have stupid, senseless things around your house like 3D glasses, the shoot was done in 3D, TOO. You should probably play the lottery tonight, you know. This type of serendipity just doesn’t come along that often.

Me, I’m still trying to figure out the theme here. Is it “Have a Bad Photoshop Christmas”? Is it “Let’s pretend Kourtney has even half the ass that Kim does so happy holidays you bastard”? Is it “Ho! Ho! Ho! How ’bout we make Kris Humphries SOOOO JEALOUS that he missed the Christmas card by a few weeks by making the (cottage) cheese stand alone?” I don’t know. Maybe. My guess is that they were going for Marrakesh “classy” this time, but it never fails to amuse me that they confuse “classy” with “klassy,” and really, how appropriate is that?

Images via Celebuzz

December 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

3What The World Needs Now Is Another Kardashian Spin-Off

Yes, a spin-off with those two little ones, that’ll do the trick! Oh, and one with the boy! And now that Khloe‘s Laker man, Lamar, got traded to the Dallas Mavericks, somebody with a camera should follow them on down to Texas! The Kardashian empire has just begun to take hold!

For real, this is all happening. See, there’s a new boss over at E!, home of the Kardashians, and she isn’t content with the three measly shows the family has now. No, she’s aiming for “two, three, even four new Kardashian spin-offs” that focus on all the crazy antics of this “beautiful” and “interesting” family. Yes, this lady called the Kardashians beautiful and interesting.

You know, I’ve been enjoying the Kardashians lately – I watched pretty much the entirety of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and I just started on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami because it’s fun for me to watch every single trainwreck take place and it makes me giggle that people that stupid actually exist in real life – but I think we’re in a good place right now. I don’t think we need up to four new television programs about this family, do you?

December 14, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily

10Who’s Buying The Kardashian Nail Polish?

I think a better question would be who isn’t buying the Kardashian nail polish! With color names like “Sealed with a Kris,” “Kim-pletely in Love,” “Khloe Had a Little Lam-Lam,” and “Listen to Your Momager,” these nail polishes will practically sell themselves.

Even more good news: all the Kardashian ladies – Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Kendall, and Kylie – are all in on the deal. The deal which earned these lovely women $600,000 up front to be split evenly between them. And yes, that means that 16-year-old Kendall and 14-year-old Kylie just made $100,000. How does that feel?

One more question: can anyone tell me a nail polish brand that isn’t ridiculously expensive that also won’t chip off five seconds after it dries? Does that exist?

December 7, 2011 at 7:30 am by Emily