At a screening of The Duchess in NYC.

Ha ha. I like saying “itty bitty titty committee.” It makes me happy because it sounds funny, and because it reminds me that I have large breasts. Yay!

Anyway, Keira Knightley reportedly refused to allow the studio to digitally increase her bosom in the publicity still for her new film, The Duchess.

“She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state,” says a source. “She is proud of her body and doesn’t want it altered.”

I received a telegram from the Beet this morning, something to the effect of “Blah, blah, my jetsetter lifestyle has tuckered me out, would you like to be beaten to a pulp by my loyal readers?”

My answer is always yes. A joyous and hateful yes. Why? Because I like the Beet. She’s my girl. And her dog, Leo, is my boy. I’m not sure about those cats yet though.

Anyway, today we’ll be getting into fun videos, a bit of gossip, and my personal opinions on who I’d fatten up if they allowed me to date/defile them. Our first contestant? Keira Knightley!

“I always bare my breasts,” she said at the press conference to promote The Edge of Love Wednesday at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. “It’s not like it’s only in this film!”

Ah, I see. For those not in the “know” this is a brazen attempt to promote a movie that around eight people will see. Mostly because it’s the 12th period piece in a row out of Miss Knightley but also partially because it looks like that film Atonement all over again. Now then, on a more tragic note, my own personal breasts are way fuller and bouncier these days. I’m around a C cup.

Referring to a scene in the wartime romance The Edge of Love with her onscreen husband Cillian Murphy, Knightley said: “It was very simple. It was a sex scene and I never like them when they’ve got bras on.” So when the director asked her to remove her bra, “I said, ‘All right then.’”

Indeed. We’ve all been there. Also, have you seen Cillian Murphy? He’s extremely creepy looking.

Ok then, that’s all for now. Just getting warmed up. Beet said she’d murder anyone that was mean to me but I told her it was no problem. I grew up in a broken home and I’ve already won a Pulitzer Prize for journalism. What could the internets commenters do to me?

Keira Knightley does ballerina chic at the L.A. premiere of Atonement.

At The Atonement premiere in London.

In a recent interview with the UK’s Radio Times, the Pirates hottie openly credits her good genes and Photoshop for all the fabulous pictures of her gracing magazine covers.

“OK, I’m on the cover of a magazine,” she says, “but somebody else does the hair, and the makeup, and airbrushes the fuck out of me – it’s not me, it’s something other people have created.”

She also downplays the value of fame.

“It frightens me when kids go, ‘I want to be famous,’ ” she says. “Why? Because you can get into a restaurant? You know what? If you book [a table], you can get into a restaurant! ‘I want to be rich and famous.’ Go and work on the stock market.”

She commented on her recent lawsuit against a tabloid after it accused the super-skinny starlet of having an eating disorder.

“You couldn’t say anything more horrendous. So yes, I did take a hard line, and I would take that line again.”