Because honestly, I can’t imagine Ke$ha caring about much of anything outside of oral sex, Jack Daniels, penises, Massengil, and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, you know? It just doesn’t compute all that well that Ke$ha is sticking up for those crazily-adorable baby seals. I’m glad PETA thinks that they have someone all cool and cutting-edge to peddle their mantras, but they really should have checked out someone a bit more reliable in their personality. Ke$ha’s like the wind, you guys.
“Skinny dipping,” says Ke$ha, suggesting too that the splash could follow a spin on jet skis and a themed party they’d throw together. “It would be a dress-up-like-Ke$ha-or-Britney party,” she says. “Either her place or my place, it doesn’t matter.”
Perhaps the 24-year-old’s new Nashville pad would be the prime spot for such a shindig, especially since she’s recently installed an underwater stereo.
“I have a small, salt-water pool that has laser beams in it and a stereo so you can be under water listening to music,” says Ke$ha, who’s only had time to furnish her new place with a mattress, a Budweiser lamp and a grand piano. “It’s really magical.”
I’m trying to consider what a Ke$ha/Britney skinny dip sesh would mean for the world, and my poor fragile mind can’t do it. I mean, naked Ke$ha would certainly have to be better than this, right? And for as crazy as Britney is nowadays, she’s definitely an attractive lady. Is there any scenario in which these two girls swimming naked together wouldn’t be the worse thing that ever happened?
If you’re cool and savvy and worldly, you’ll probably know who Calvin Harris is – he’s a singer/songwriter/DJ/producer from the UK and is also pretty popular, too.
If you’re sheltered and resistant to exposing yourself to new things like me, you probably had to Google him and analyze his Wiki page or, just read this sorry excuse for a Calvin Harris bio and said ‘OK.’
Either way, this is the dude that our very favorite girl Ke$ha is rumored to be hooking up with. During her recent UK tour, eyewitnesses claim that the two were almost ‘fornicating‘ (that’s high-brow speak for ‘fucking’ ICYDK) at a Rihanna concert:
“They were getting right into it. They were practically fornicating.”
Good for Ke$ha, not so good for Mr. Harris here. I mean, come on. You mean to tell me he didn’t see the trashy photos of Ke$ha’s pearl necklace? Or … maybe he did and he’s just into that kind of unwashed, skanked-out kind of vadge.
While my friends and I were busy trying to figure out whether Ke$ha would smell like half-rotted fish, stale bottom-shelf menthol cigarettes, and unwashed scalp, Ke$ha went and did this photo shoot for Maxim, cheesily titled ‘She Will Rock You,’ and blew our general suppositions all to hell. We scrambled like frightened birds, totally thrown by the potential for a ‘hot’ Ke$ha and had to regroup a day later to reconvene our think tank.
Now I think she probably smells like the inside of an unused condom (awright, you caught me – I really meant used) PLUS all that other stuff. You know what sweating in latex reeks like after three or four hours … don’t you?
We’ve had our fair share of problems in the past. I think we can both admit that. But I thought we were getting past that, that we were heading towards a more mature, close stage in our friendship. And then you go and do something like this.
Ke$ha, you know that I have a socially awkward 12-year-old girl’s mentality when it comes to unicorns. I’ve shown you all my figurines and stuffed animals and jewelry and tattoo sketches. And you also know how wonderful rainbows make me feel and how much I adore glitter. And I don’t think I even have to state my feelings on James Van Der Beek – I sing the Dawson’s Creek theme song at least three times a day, I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. So tell me, Ke$ha, in what universe is it acceptable for you to make this video?
YOU SHOOT UNICORNS, KE$HA. You shoot unicorns and they collapse in bursts of glitters, with rainbows shooting out of their wounds. I saw the disclaimer at the beginning of the video, but in the immortal words of Tupac, my mama didn’t raise no fool. If you think that my reaction to this debacle would be anything other than to curse your name and cut all ties, then you are sorely mistaken. I hope you can find solace in your whiskey and in James Van Der Beek, because you surely won’t be finding any in me.