6Quotables: Katie Holmes Says

“I don’t know. I mean … I don’t know. People have been having babies a long time.”

Katie Holmes‘ response when C magazine asked her whether or not the “birth” of Suri Cruise brought Katie and Tom together as a “family.” And to that, I say LOL! Girlfriend sure was dropping the gauntlet on Tom for a few many months leading up to her secretly-hatched escape, huh? The interviewer also claims that Katie didn’t speak Tom’s name aloud—not once—throughout the entire interview, and kind of dodged all questions about him, including any general references. God, the more we hear about this, the better it gets.

In related news, a former classmate of Katie’s has come forward and claimed that when the two were in private Catholic high school together, they were expected to pray daily for someone—anyone—that they admired. Katie’s choice as a teen? Tom Cruise. No joke. From Celebuzz:

“In religion class, when we were about 16, we would have to say prayers to keep a certain someone safe and out of harm,” she said. “Katie would say it for Tom Cruise. We did that every day, so she would have said thousands of prayers for him. She also had a secret picture of him hidden in the inside of her text books. It’s crazy to think she married him – it was her dream come true.”

And before you guys go saying that Angela here is a big, fat liar, let me remind you of a quote that Katie herself … quoted, back in 2004, right when she became engaged to Chris Klein:

“I think every little girl dreams about her wedding. I used to think I was going to marry Tom (Cruise).”

Isn’t that sweet that Katie got to realize her childhood dream? And even sweeter that the naive little girl finally grew up and out of it? Because I remember, back when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a firefighter. Today, I realize what a bad idea that would be, considering I have a fear of all things heights-related, and I also hate heat. Amazing how we stretch and grow, isn’t it?

July 23, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

13Who Is Suri’s Biological Father?

The idea that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri isn’t new, not by a long shot. Way back when Suri was born, there were conspiracies about the paternity. Here’s a quick summary, since 2006 was a long time ago: Katie broke up with Chris Klein in March of 2005, and she began dating Tom just a few weeks later. Suri was born in April of 2006. BUT the public didn’t get a glimpse of Suri until months later, and her birth certificate wasn’t issued until three weeks after she was actually born, so was she really born in April? There were a lot of suspicious things happening surrounding Katie’s pregnancy and Suri’s birth, which could either be chalked up to those wacky Scientologists or a different story of conception than the one we heard. So basically, a lot of people think that Chris Klein could have fathered Suri right before that breakup.

But it’s not 2005 anymore, and Katie is no longer under the spell of Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise’s cult. She is her own woman now, and it looks like she’s raising Suri to be her own woman as well. So naturally, Tom is horrified. He’s pissed that these rumors are still coming up, and he’s upset that the rumors could one day cause Suri to request a paternity test. Then, of course, there’s the possibility that Tom’s “unyielding need for control” would potentially cause him to refuse to take the paternity test that may or may not ever come up at all, and then what would happen to his relationship with Suri?

Look, I know this is sort of a silly story – it’s from the Enquirer, after all – but I think it’s interesting. The original story mentions rumors that Suri’s biological dad could be the aforementioned Chris Klein, or Katie’s Dawson’s Creek lover, Joshua Jackson, or possibly Josh Hartnett. There’s also the super fun thought that Katie could have been inseminated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, which is my personal favorite. But what do you think?

If Tom isn’t Suri’s father – I’m bad at babies, remember? – then I’d say Chris Klein is the only other possibility. It’s not that I think Suri doesn’t look anything like Tom, but I could definitely see where the Chris Klein rumors come from. Take a look at that punk:

He and Suri have similar eyes, right? Yeah, I’d say that’s a solid possibility.

July 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm by Emily

1Katie Holmes Is Headed Back to Broadway!

I would imagine that if it weren’t for the constant swarm of paparazzi that surrounds Katie Holmes everywhere she goes, she’d get a high five from every single person that recognized her. You could see that, right? Immediately after she filed for divorce from ol’ cray-cray Tom, her life seemed to get unspeakably better, and it really is heartwarming to watch.

And here’s another example of how things keep getting better for Katie: she just landed a role on Broadway!

Get ready to see a lot more of Katie Holmesin New York City.

The actress, 33, is returning to Broadway this fall in the dark comedy Dead Accounts, it was announced Thursday.

She made her Broadway debut in 2008 in the revival of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons alongside John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson.

In the new show, Holmes will play Lorna, a woman looking for answers about her brother’s surprising return home. Additional casting news has yet to be released. The show, to be directed by Jack O’Brien, will play at the Music Box Theatre.

In the three weeks since her surprise split from Tom Cruise, Holmes has become a popular tourist (and local) attraction in the Big Apple.

Now, she’ll become even more of a Manhattan mainstay – and keep an eye out for Suri on opening night!

I’m so happy for Katie that I’m putting aside my frustration that yet another bad actor just got a big acting job. And just in case you don’t know me, that means that I’m really, really happy for her.

July 20, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily

5Katie Holmes Was an Abomination to Scientology

And she wasn’t even brought into the church the right way, guys, GOD. That means she’s not even a “real” Scientologist, whatever the f-ck that is, anyway.

Here’s a recent blog entry by Marty Rathbun, who was former second-in-command at the Co$.

David Miscavige has no doubt by now convinced Tom Cruise that yours truly ought to be the target of his ire for Katie Holmes’ splendidly executed split and consequent historic media coverage. After all, he’s already got Cruise’s attorney, the august Bert Fields, alerting the media far and wide claiming to be victim of me.

And just as certainly, as per usual, the real target is David Miscavige himself.

I have learned from very credible sources that David Miscavige quite in addition to infiltrating the household of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and interjecting his insanity directly into Katie’s life through his undue and unnatural influence over Tom, Miscavige also directly and intentionally saw to it that Katie received squirrel, reverse Scientology as explicitly covered in my book What Is Wrong With Scientology?

Katie’s introduction to Scientology was the Golden Age of Tech II (GAT II) pilot project run directly by Miscavige’s organization (Religious Technology Center – RTC) at the Celebrity Center in Los Angeles. Katie was put at the top of the project’s line up as one of its first unwitting guinea pigs. GAT II’s mission with respect to Tom Cruise’s wife? Put her through Miscavige’s latest brand of Quickie Grades (for a complete explanation of what that entails, see chapter 6 Grades of my book What Is Wrong With Scientology?)

Miscavige’s only two tech trained staff (Anne Joasem – once Rathbun – and Elsie Tucker) personally oversaw every session of it and answered and reported directly to Miscavige, every step of the way. Anne and Elsie cherry picked the processes to run from the huge body of tech for each grade, and Miscavige approved every individual one to be run on Katie.

So, there too is your Golden Age of Tech II news. Apparently, based on his spectacular results with Katie, Miscavige announced recently he was going to unleash his suppression on the planet at large.

In a way, Miscavige did Katie a big favor. Had she been delivered standard grades she might have been more able to withstand the entheta Miscavige brought into her marriage and household. She might also have attributed her wins to the Miscavige administration. The net result would have been that she hang around longer and be effectively spiritually fattened up for a gruesome kill. …

The bottom line is four-fold:

a) David Miscavige is a squirrel (someone who alters Scientology to the detriment of the people to whom it is applied).

b) Religious Technology Center (RTC) is a squirrel group.

c) Religious Technology Center is a suppressive (sociopathic) group.

d) David Miscavige is a suppressive person.

Blah blah blah Tom Cruise, blah blah blah SOCIOPATHS, blah blah blah mind-control. And squirrels. Right? Is that about the gist of what you got from Rathbun’s post? Also, can we coin the “squirrel” phrase before Scientology goes and patents it? Because from this day forward, I’m going to refer to anyone who follows Scientology as Scientology Squirrels. I know I’m not using it in its proper context—at least according to the Church of Squirrels—but hey. Whatevs.

In *good* news, however, Us magazine claims that Katie’s doing her damndest to squeeze the Scientology out of Suri, no matter what she has to do. Sources say that it’s going to be a long road, too, because Suri’s apparently spoiled rotten by Scientology presets that allow her to pretty much do whatever the f-ck she wants. From Us:

Because Scientology’s parenting philosophy dictates that children be treated like little adults, insiders say Cruise allowed his daughter to indulge in ice cream for dinner and choose her own bedtime. And if she wanted to visit the American Girl store or a candy shop? Done. “She has been brought up to be in charge of everything,” says the Holmes source, “so she is used to getting her own way.”

Not anymore. Now that she has been awarded primary custody, Holmes is finally putting her foot down. “Katie is getting Suri to bed by about 8 P.M. on most nights — she’s trying to put her on a regular schedule. Tom just used to let her stay up all night watching Scientology kids’ videos!” And like most children her age, Suri is starting to pick up a few chores. “Katie’s plan is to get Suri to make her own bed, put away her clothes and help clean up her room.”

Holmes is also anxious to have Suri spend the day with her peers. Because the pair have been constantly on the move and spend so much time together, Suri doesn’t have any close friends her own age. “She’s not used to sharing or playing with other kids, so going to school will be a big change for her. Katie wants her to get used to that. She just wants her to be a normal kid.”

So far her plan is a success. Thanks to Holmes’ careful strategizing, Suri’s social calendar has been all filled up. In the first few weeks of July, Suri has been meeting new kids in the play area of their apartment building, walking hand in hand with one of her cousins at NYC’s Children’s Museum of the Arts and bonding with the 9-year-old twins of Holmes’ stylist pal Jeanne Yang. Says one insider, “Suri plays nicely with other kids and really seems to enjoy it.”

The thing about this is that I just know that it’s all true. Seriously, because now you’re hearing so much about Suri being integrated into the general public (playdates and gymnastics and public private schools, oh my!), and you don’t see nearly as many pictures of Suri dragging Katie around all hours of the night going to ice cream stores and squawking for penis gummies. I think Katie’s going to do a good and proper job on this kid, and thank God. THANK GOD.

On a related note, you know what I was thinking about yesterday? How I so cannot wait to see who Katie Holmes ends up dating. Can you even imagine what kind of man she really likes, after being stuck with f-cking Tom Cruise for so many years? I have no doubts that whoever it is will just completely floor us. Any suggestions? Guys you think Katie’ll date next, hm?

July 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

2Scientology Probably Made an Attempt on Katie’s Life Already

Apparently Katie and Suri‘s limo was hit by a “garbage truck,” but we all know that Scientology knows no labels; it’s ever-present.

The official report says that the limo was struck by a sanitation vehicle last night in New York City, but we’re not stupid, folks, and there’s never anything “official” when it comes to psychoses aside from the fact that Tom Cruise is officially psychotic. From TMZ:

Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise got trashed last night — their Mercedes-Benz limousine was sideswiped by a giant garbage truck in New York City.

Cops say Tom Cruise’s daughter and soon-to-be-ex-wife were not hurt when the truck scraped the left rear fender of their Mercedes. We’re told Katie and Suri’s driver was the only other person in the car

The accident happened on 33rd Street — not far from Chelsea Piers … where Katie had just picked up Suri from a gymnastics lesson.

So am I to assume* from the information that if Katie had arrived mere seconds later, she might have been the one struck by the garbage truck, rather than the garbage truck clipping the back end of her Mercedes limo? Because that’s some scary shit, guys.

*Now, you know what they say about “assumption,” and I’m sure—just totally, positively sure—that Scientology had absolutely nothing to do with Katie’s vehicular run-in last night, because if something, say unfortunate, were to happen to Katie, everyone would know where to point the finger of JUSTICE. No, the garbage truck hitting Katie’s limo was just that—a careless operator behind a large piece of machinery that happened to cross paths with one of Hollywood’s most-talked-about women.

July 17, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah

8We Need to Talk About Katie Holmes Changing Suri’s Name

This news came out late last week, and I didn’t get a chance to cover it, but I think it’s really interesting and I’d like to discuss it, so just suck it up if you’ve heard it already, all right? If you haven’t heard it already, here’s the deal: there’s this rumor that Katie Holmes doesn’t even like her daughter’s name, so she wants to change it now that she’s out of Tom‘s grip. Weird, right?

It turns out that Katie never liked Suri’s name (which, by the way, is Persian and means “red rose,” according to the first few baby name sites I looked at. There’s also a rumor that the name is Hebrew in origin and that it means “princess,” but a lot of people think that’s total bullshit). She’s calling her Scout for now, which I think is adorable, and she also wants to make Cruise her middle name and change her last name to Holmes. So potentially this little girl that Katie carries around all the time could be known as Scout Cruise Holmes at some point in the future. Ok.

I had this friend in middle school, and she got pregnant in the 7th grade. For real, the 7th grade, how insane is that? But she had a daughter and she named her Jasmine, but about a month after she was born my friend decided that she liked Autumn better, and she had her name changed. I thought that was strange at the time, but this is a whole lot stranger. There’s a difference between changing your one-month-old baby’s name and changing your six-year-old’s name, you know? One can’t even hold her head up, and the other, you know, has had her name for six years. The rumor might be true, but I doubt it will stick. I mean, this is Suri Cruise. She’s always going to be Suri Cruise.

Speaking of little Scout Holmes (see? I don’t think it’ll work), guess who’s going to Catholic school this fall! She’ll be going to the same school that Lady Gaga attended, the Covenant of the Sacred Heart in Manhattan, where tuition is $38,000 a year and nothing else about the school matters because tuition is $38,000 a year. That will be an interesting adventure, won’t it? I’m not way familiar with Catholicism, but I bet nuns wouldn’t take too kindly to penis candy.

Lastly, Katie Holmes is a terrible actress. I know that’s not exactly breaking news, but I’ve been watching Dawson’s Creek lately, and her acting is so awful that it’s turned back around to amazing. Seriously, take a moment out of your day to watch some clips on YouTube. Girl is a hot damn mess in a midriff top and high waisted jeans.

July 16, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily