Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Katie Holmes

Blind Items Revealed: Let’s Talk Katie Holmes For a Minute

photo of katie holmes and suri cruise in a pond pictures
Remember this?:

This actress – who worked much more several years ago than she does now – has found the perfect way to annoy her controlling husband. He always insisted that she not step foot out of the house unless she was looking her best (full hair, makeup, clothes) because she was a “reflection of his image”.

But now that they have quietly separated, she consistently walks out of the house in casual clothes and messy hair and no makeup (even when her destination isn’t the gym). Of course, the paparazzi are there, just waiting to snap her photo. Her publicist called and said, “Do you realize how much you’re p*ssing him off when you do that?” She replied, “Absolutely!” and giggled. Sounds like it’s just her little way of reclaiming her life.

So! Now it all makes sense, I guess. I said back then it was Katie Holmes, and now, after seeing these pictures of Katie and Suri hanging out in … some … some pond in Connecticut, while still wearing all of their clothes, well. I think that kind of speaks volumes to the recent blind item, now, don’t you? Because if Katie and Tom were still together and these photos emerged, we wouldn’t have even seen them. Tom probably would have been lurking somewhere in the shadows of a sycamore tree, getting ready to pounce the photographer who happened to catch these shots. And then he would have kissed him and then destroyed all evidence. Of both.

TEAM KATIE!

Wait … Is There Going to be a Dawson’s Creek Reunion?

photo of dawson's creek cast pics
From Vulture:

… Williams was willing to commit more fully to our questions about a possible Dawson’s Creek reunion — or, at least, she was open to the idea, once we asked her about Don’t Trust The B– In Apartment 23 and told her that James Van Der Beek was willing. “He has my e-mail!” she responded, laughing. “He has my home phone, and my cell phone, so we talk … ” And that means she’d do the show, if he called? “He could totally ask! I’ve always said, I’m totally up for reunion tours, reunion shows, so we can do that. I’ve always wanted, my best friend [Busy Philipps] is on Cougar Town, and we’ve always talked about wanting to go be on that show, too. It’s just timing, because of L.A. and New York, and it hasn’t happened.” Your move, Van Der Beek!

Wow! Wouldn’t this be awesome if it happened?

This’ll be the biggest thing that’s happened to James Van Der Beek since … since … since, I don’t know, that movie he did for SyFy, The Storm! Which I, incidentally, watched this past week, because I went DV-R crazy with crappy made-for-TV disaster movies because I love them!

This’ll be the biggest thing since for Joshua Jackson since Diane Kruger took pity on his ugly ass and decided that she wanted to bone him for an extended period of time!

This’ll be the best thing that’s happened to Katie Holmes since she found out that her husband Tom Cruise is actually a robot created by the Church of Scientology, and because he’s some kind of weird droid, in legal terms, this means her marriage is not legally binding! … Wait, you mean that didn’t happen yet? OK, sorry—jumping the gun a little bit here, but it’s just all the excitement, I swear.

Would you guys totally love a DC reunion or what?

Love It or Leave It: Suri Cruise is a Vampire

photo of katie holmes pictures 2012 pics sick photo
Wanna know why? Because Katie Holmes doesn’t have a newborn child who’s up all hours of the night to take care of. No, she doesn’t have any major motion picture projects going on, either, that might draw her out and sap the energy out of her. That’s why I’m banking on the fact that Suri Cruise is a vampire, and she’s slowly sucking the life out of her mother, Katie Holmes. It explains a lot. The penis gummies. The myriad faces that a child shouldn’t even be able to make. She’s supernatural. And she’s hungry. And she was possessed, too! Have we forgotten that so soon? Just LOOK at the circles underneath Katie’s eyes. If that’s not the victim of a vampire right there, folks, just wasting away before our very eyes, I don’t know what to tell you. You need to watch some more movies about creatures of the night, because you’re totally overlooking the obvious.

Because there’s positively no way that Tom Cruise would have anything to do with this. He’s not keeping her locked up four out of seven days, wired to weird machines that conduct odd Scientology-related tests on Katie, because that’s just not Tom’s style, no. Tom would rather let his daughter take the rap for sucking the ever-loving life out of the woman who brought her into this world, because it keeps him in the clear. It allows him to deviously plan out how to clone Katie and how to turn the world’s population into pod people who bear a striking resemblance to his dear wife.

Nope. I see right through it, guys. I get what’s going on here, and it’s just. not. nice.

Oh, and if you don’t want to partake in any of my delusions, Katie just looks like crap, alright? She looks like crap and that fedora is a nightmare. That simple and cut-and-dry for all of the rest of you? Yes, but not nearly as fun? Yeah. Thought not.