Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kate Middleton

One Part of The Royal Wedding I Can Get Behind: The Cake

I told you the other day that I was so fed up with Royal Wedding fever that I was basically annoyed to the point of petty anger, but here’s one aspect of the whole shebang that I’m willing to concentrate on: THE CAKE, Y’ALL.

Personally, I get sick of cake after a bite or two, but a well-made pastry ain’t nothing to scoff at, and this delicacy? It’s fit for a future king and his bride, that’s for damn sure.

The flavor was William’s favorite chocolate biscuit cake (once again, Kate’s preferences are swept to the side) and the design is pretty traditional, but the details are phenomenal. Check out the closeups in the gallery. Is that a freakin’ tassel made out of icing? Incredible. And definitely classier than whatever that squinty-eyed husband thief LeAnn Rimes and her gross husband ate at their tacktastic wedding last week.

One thing? I’d be afraid to touch this thing with a knife. Sometimes they make these wedding cakes so pretty that it’s a complete shame that someone’s gotta bring a knife to it, but I guess we know all about pretty things getting knives waved at them around these parts, huh?

Princess Weddings Through the Years: Kate Middleton Trumps Them All

photo of princess katherine middleton pictures photos wedding coverage royal pics

Ah wedding dresses. Or rather, wedding dresses of people who don’t bat an eye when it comes to dropping a small fortune on them. Above and below, you see the various wedding fashions dating back to the, like, early part of the twentieth century, all the way to today.

Who’s your favorite wedding princess?

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OMG The Royal Wedding Kiss!

The kiss is just about at the minute mark, and the rest of the clip is basically just a bunch of royals on the balcony at Westminster Abbey waving and egging the crowd on while watching the Queen look like she wants to kick some little boy ass.

ALSO. Wouldn’t it be totally awesome if Prince Harry decided to go and hook up with Pippa Middleton? I mean, both of these siblings, Harry AND Pippa, look like total hell-raisers, and I think they’d nicely balance the somber and reserved Prince William and now-Princess Kate quite well, don’t you?

I’m pulling for it, you guys. Let’s make it happen.

And Here’s the Royal Wedding Vows If You Also Happened to Miss Those

I know, I know. I said I was going to just stop this madness, but I can’t help it. I mean, I said I wasn’t going to eat the rest of that chocolate bunny head last night, but what happened? TOTALLY FUCKING ATE IT.

That’s what this wedding is like. I promised myself I’d stay away from it, but here I am. Sneakily at it, fearing that someone’s going to catch me gorging myself on something that’s just soooo bad, but you just can’t tear yourself away from it.

I love how Kate had a REALLY HARD TIME keeping a stoic face, and you just KNOW she was thinking about how many McQueen fashions and Louboutins she was going to be able to buy in the coming months. No, I’m kidding. She was totally thinking about how crazy it was going to be to shag later tonight as an official Princess.

ALRIGHT, Here’s Some Royal Wedding Photos I Guess

photo of princess kate middleton and prince william pictures photos

I promised myself I wouldn’t cave and buy into the hype that surrounded the wedding, and I did SO WELL, you guys. I wasn’t one of those who got my ass up at three this morning, tiptoeing to the living room to watch two people that I could give a rat’s ass about tie the knot and stumble back to bed an hour later, still half-asleep, with visions of Hollywood-white teeth and polite waves in my head. I did, however, check out the photos when I first got up this morning, and I have to say: my God in heaven, Kate Middleton looked beautiful. Like, she’s a pretty girl as it is, but she looked BEAUTIFUL. She was the embodiment of what a princess should look like, and it totally appealed to the little six-year-old in me who’s still looking for a frog to kiss (totally found him – warts and all. I sleep next to him at night, you know).

Anyway, congratulations to the couple, for real – you guys looked amazing, and I’m so glad that your day has been great so far, but now … Can we get on with our lives, please?

Perfect Little Kate Middleton is All Ready For Her Dumb Wedding

Lookie what we have here! A whole set of photos of that skinny little future princess Kate Middleton arriving at the London hotel where she and her family will be staying tonight in anticipation for tomorrow’s Royal Wedding (and I capitalize those words because everyone else does, not because I think they’re worthy of capitalization.)

Sarah already said today that she and Sassy Gay Friend don’t care about Kate and William‘s big day, but I’m going to go ahead and tell you that I’m flat-out annoyed by it. Kate’s no Diana and there are bigger things going on in the world than the marriage of a future King and his girlfriend. Why is all of this attention being paid to a couple of rich monarchs?

Is Kate pretty? Of course! Do I think she probably would have beaten the shit out of me in high school (despite the stories out there that say she was bullied herself?) Oh, hell yes. This girl totally gives me shit talker/backhanded compliment giver vibe. I don’t trust her, I’m over the fact that I’m supposed to be excited or intrigued by this whole event. And Prince William? Woof. Remember when he used to be hot?

I’ll tell you who is excited about all of this hubbub. My favorite aunt, who’s “Royal Wedding Tea Tray” has been set up in her Massachusetts living room for the last week. I just sent a picture of it to Twitter, check it out. God bless her, huh?

Sassy Gay Friend Doesn’t Give a Crap About the Royal Wedding Either

I know I’m probably in the minority along with Sassy Gay Friend, here, but I’m gonna lay it out for you: I could give a crap less about what’s going down across the pond tomorrow. Really. I mean, it’s been fun talking about Kate Middleton and how patient she’s been and stuff over the past eight years while Prince William dealt with sexuality issues or whatever, but after tomorrow, the Prince and Kate are going to fall off into general obscurity, until the Prince starts sticking his royal wang into the hot, buttered biscuits of another … person.

Then we’ll pay attention again for a few minutes, but ’til then? I’m with SGF when I say ‘who the eff cares,’ how about you?