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Kate Middleton

5Kate Middleton May Need To Be Hypnotized To Give Birth

prince william kate middleton

Kate Middleton is just like us, you guys — she’s a little afraid of giving birth. So she’s going to get hypnotized. Allegedly. And then it’s around that point she stops being “just like us.” I guess we could do that too, but…do we? I think we just go for the epidurals instead. I don’t know why I’m saying “we” — I don’t have kids and I never want to. Anyway, Kate Middleton, ladies and gentlemen. From Daily Mail:

The Duchess of Cambridge is reportedly considering hypnosis to deal with the pain of childbirth. The ‘hypno-birth’ would mean that her labour pains are lessened without using drugs, according to Grazia magazine.

Advocates of the technique say that it helps women use their mind to seize control of the birthing process and learn techniques that allow the production of oxytocin, a pain relieving hormone which stimulates the uterus. Women undergoing a hypno-birth may still use pain relief – such as an epidural, a pain-killing injection, many women find that they don’t need any additional anaesthesia.

Grazia quoted a source who said: ‘Kate has researched various birthing methods. She wants it to be naturalso hypno-birthing is one option that appealed and she ahd been reading up on it and listening to CDs to get into the right frame of mind. Some of her friends have used this method and swear by it. Kate wants to do it her way and be relaxed.’

A royal spokeswoman said she was aware of the report, but declined to confirm or deny it.

‘We appreciate it’s a happy occasion…but there are some matters which should remain private to the duchess.’

This is as close to a confirmation as anything I’ve ever seen from the royals’ publicists. GOOD LUCK UNDER HYPNOSIS, KATE!!! Meanwhile, unrelated, vaguely, isn’t Kate Middleton the skinniest pregnant woman you’ve ever seen? Mother of God.

All you moms who gave birth in some form: HOW? HOW DID YOU DO IT?

June 13, 2013 at 4:30 am by Catherine St. Ives
Filed Under: Kate Middleton

2Kate Middleton To Move Into Parents’ Mansion After Giving Birth

kate middleton

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, is going to move in with her parents after giving birth (according to The Daily Mail, so who knows really). Good for her! The move isn’t going to be permanent, of course. She plans on spending the first 6 weeks there with her baby (girl?), and no nurse.

In a break with royal tradition, Kate, 31, will not employ a maternity nurse after the July birth.

Instead, she has told friends, she will live with her parents for at least the first six weeks after leaving hospital.

Kate says she ‘just feels safest and most secure’ with her family and believes that no one could be better placed to teach her about bringing up a baby than her mother, who has three children of her own.

She will particularly need her advice and moral support when Prince William returns to work as a helicopter pilot after taking his paternity leave.

Sources have confirmed that William and Kate’s plans to move into a new apartment in Kensington Palace in time for the birth have hit a huge stumbling block.

This follows the discovery of asbestos – which has to be cleared before the couple themselves, let alone a new-born child, can set foot inside.

Kate’s parents, Michael and Carole Middleton, recently bought a £4.85million Georgian manor in rural Berkshire with plenty of space for their first grandchild to run around.

A recent visitor said Carole, who is ‘over the moon’ at the prospect of being a grandmother, is busy overseeing the redecoration of the house – including the installation of a new kitchen and ‘nursery-style’ room.

‘Carole fully intends to be part of this baby’s life and Catherine, for her part, plans to spend a lot of time with her parents, especially while she is waiting for the new apartment to be completed,’ they said.

[William and Kate] had hoped to move into their new home, the 57-room Apartment 1A – well before the arrival of their first child.

Wait, what the hell do they mean by “57-room”? Do they mean 57 rooms?? What??

So anyway, it’s nice to know that even Fancy-Ass Kate Middleton is moving back in with her parents, at least for a little while, even though it’s in a mansion, and not really like anyones’ life at all, yeah, never mind. Unless she’s in there nursing her baby while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which I don’t think ever happened and ever will. I mean, come on. No way she’s a fan of that mess.

April 22, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives
Filed Under: Kate Middleton

2Royals Are Just Like Us: Kate Middleton Likes ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’

Today in “My, Aren’t We Relatable?” news, Kate Middleton apparently really likes Keeping Up with the Kardashians and started watching it after she heard that Kim Kardashian is fond of her. William apparently makes fun of her – nay, takes the piss out of her – for watching that trash, but she will not be deterred!

From The Daily Star:

A source close to the Princess told us: “Ever since Kim started mentioning Kate a lot in public, the Princess has started watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians religiously.

“She thinks the family are hilarious. People forget that Kate is just a normal girl, who married into royalty, and enjoys the same trashy TV shows most people do.”

But she hasn’t managed to get Prince William, 30, into the Krazy antics of the famous telly family.

We’re told: “Will doesn’t watch the show with her, and makes fun of her for liking it so much. It doesn’t bother Kate, though. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

Do I think this is true? Not a chance. Shit, I’m not even royalty and I don’t have time in my day to watch the Kardashians (though I have, in past, kept those E! marathons on, not gonna lie). For some reason, I just can’t see Kate – who I was shocked to find out is my age when I first saw her – plopping down on the couch with a sleeve of Oreos and a bottle of Stella cidre (well, especially not when pregnant) to watch a bunch of airheads bop around Los Angeles and speak in screechy voices. Sorry, I’m calling bullshit on this one.

April 12, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

2Is Kate Middleton Having a Daughter?

kate middleton pics

If you want to put the Queen back in hospital, tell her you’re having a girl rather than a son who can carry on the royal lineage. We don’t know that that’s the case, of course, but Kate Middleton may or may not have inadvertently hinted that this baby of hers is of the lady variety.

From The Telegraph:

It was the merest slip of the tongue, but the Duchess of Cambridge may just have given away the sex of her baby as she chatted to a member of the public on a visit to Grimsby on Tuesday.

After being given a teddy bear as a gift, the Duchess said: “Thank you, I’ll take that for my d …” She stopped herself before going any further, but when a well-wisher asked if she was in the process of saying “daughter” she replied: “We’re not telling.”

The Duchess, who is due to give birth in July, also claimed not to know the sex of her baby, who will one day be monarch, but her comment will be seized upon by royal watchers the world over who are eager for any clues about whether she is expecting a boy or a girl. Precedent dictates that the sex of royal babies is never announced in advance.

The Duchess also said her baby had been kicking “very much” and joked to a fan that she might have to wait a long time before she is queen.

Hmm. Maybe it was a legit tongue-tied moment or perhaps she really is having a girl. So long as it looks better than this CGI rendering, I think we’re in business. This baby needs to get born already. If it’s a girl, how much do we want to wager on Diana being the middle name?

March 6, 2013 at 6:30 am by Jennifer

6God Help Kate Middleton and Prince William If Their Baby Looks Like This

A South African geneticist has nothing better to do with his time, apparently, because he’s managed to put together a composite of what Kate Middleton and Prince William‘s baby might look like throughout its life. Suretha Erasmus from Johannesburg composed photos that account for variations of skin and hair colours but did not take into account the fact that this looks like shit.

[Image removed upon request]

The f-ck is this? Did they just cut out the shapes of William and Kate’s photos and put some Glamour Shot wigs on top of the young adult photos? ‘Cos that’s sure what it looks like. If this is the kind of equipment geneticists are working with, I fear for the field. We can grow new body parts from stem cells, but we can’t get a computer program that makes composites that don’t look like someone’s Livejournal fan art.

February 28, 2013 at 9:30 am by Jennifer

13Kate Middleton Bikini Photos Going To Press: So What?

Prince William and Kate – I’m sorry, Catherine - Middleton decided to take a break from the shit weather the UK’s been getting this winter (and, okay, always) and have a little holiday in Mustique, the private $50,000 per night island in the Caribbean. Of course, where the stars go, the cameras will follow and as the future of the monarchy, eyes were heavily on the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as they always are – even more so now that there’s a royal baby on the way.

The Italian magazine Chi came under intense scrutiny this week after publishing photos of the pair strolling the beach, Kate in a bikini, offering the first glimpse of the royal baby bump. The UK went absolutely buck wild, lashing out at the publication for violating the royal family’s privacy and calling for an immediate ban of the photos. Blah blah blah.

As you may or may not remember, this is not the first time private pictures have been published in the press. Still, this situation pretty much has about 0% in common with that incident, given that the previous photos were taken by photographers hiding in bushes, peeking into a private villa of a topless Kate Middleton. Chi’s pictures were taken on the beach where Kate and William mingled with other beach-goers in public view and probably would have known there might be cameras – professional or iPhone – on the loose.

Here’s the thing, though: who really cares? I’m pretty much full-blown English at this point, having lived in the UK quite a bit and planning to move here for good, and while I love the royal family and support the monarchy in its limited capacity, I just don’t get it. The UK is so hypersensitive about these photos that when ITV’s This Morning accidentally displayed the Chi cover unblurred yesterday, they issued a network-wide “unreserved” apology for their disrespectful error. Like, what? I don’t see you apologising to Lady GaGa for showing pictures of her falling off her God-awful hoof shoes or Lindsay Lohan falling out of yet another club with a nose full of coke.

I get that the nature of their role as public figures is more dignified and upstanding than most typical celebrities, and I also fully appreciate the invasiveness of the paparazzi and the inappropriateness of private snooping on stars for the sake of that one photo to make them big money. It’s a serious problem, and no one is arguing that. But seeing Kate Middleton in a bikini is not going to make the UK economy collapse or the anarchists to come to power. In fact, the bigger fuss is made about it, the more they’ll circulate and the bigger an issue it’ll become.

February 14, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer