14But Hey, How Awful is Kate Middleton’s New Portrait?

Awful, right? Pretty damn terrible. Kate Middleton is undeniably a beautiful woman, but this painting (it is a painting, right?) makes her look old, wrinkly, and frankly, dirty. Other words I’ve seen used on the Internets? “Lifeless.” “Ghastly.” “Gloomy.” So needless to say, I’m not the only one who pretty much thinks it’s the most awful thing I’ve seen this year. Others, however, have described the portrait as “just amazing” (Prince William said that) and “absolutely beautiful.” Uh, also Prince William.

Survey says? Put the paintbrush down, yo.

January 11, 2013 at 11:30 am by Sarah

1What the Royal Couple Would Look Like This Christmas if They Sold Out

Photographer Alison Jackson is back at it with the spoof photos of the Royal Couple, and this time she envisions what Christmas would be like in Prince William and Duchess Kate‘s household.

Naturally, the photos are a farce, and while the lookalikes are rather good, there’s still something missing. Like, oh, I don’t know, realism. Do you really think that Kate would be serving f-cking potatoes while Prince William kicks back at the dinner table? No, for two reasons: the Duchess doesn’t seem to roll like that (meaning any man of hers will serve himself or get f-cked), and also, they probably have someone to feed them. Last, poor Kate probably can’t keep anything as heavy and starchy as potatoes down these days, but hey. Who am I to rip the photos? They’re fun and they’re frivolous and if there’s anything we need more these days than fun and frivolity, I can’t imagine what it could be.

Love them and these pictures. Too fun.

December 18, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

9There’s a Royal Baby on the Way!

From CNN:

Britain’s Prince William and Catherine Middleton are expecting their first child after 19 months of marriage, the palace announced Monday.

The royal revelation came as Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, was admitted to a central London hospital with acute morning sickness Monday afternoon. She is expected to be in King Edward VII Hospital for several days, the palace announcement said. William and Catherine were married on April 29, 2011, in London’s biggest royal wedding in three decades.

The baby would be the first grandchild for the heir to the British throne, Prince Charles, and the late Diana, Princess of Wales. “As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter,” the statement said.

She is not yet 12 weeks pregnant, Clarence House told CNN, so the palace is not announcing a due date for the child. Prince William is at the King Edward VII hospital with Catherine, the palace says.
The news immediately became a top trending topic worldwide on Twitter.

British Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to tweet his joy: “‘I’m delighted by the news that the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a baby. They will make wonderful parents.’#royalbaby”

British Labour Party leader Ed Miliband tweeted “Fantastic news for Kate, William and the country. A royal baby is something the whole nation will celebrate.”

Ooh, gosh, how exciting! Can you imagine how adorable a Will and Kate baby’s going to be? And Kate‘s going to be such a great mom! I can’t wait to see her bump and glow! It almost makes me want to get pregnant all over again! (Almost. Almost.)

Tickled over this news. Positively ticked, guys.

Congratulations to the new family!

December 3, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah

4There Might Be Photos of William and Kate Having Sex, Hope You Love It!

It’s been two whole days since we first saw Kate Middleton, current Important Person and future More Important person, topless. How is the world holding up? You haven’t noticed any signs of the apocalypse, have you? No? Well, that’s probably because the bomb hasn’t dropped yet. The “bomb,” of course, being the photos of William and Kate boning. Ewwww.

From TMZ:

The editor of the French magazine that ran topless photos of Kate Middleton is suggesting she has SEX PHOTOS of the Royal couple in her possession but has decided not to run them … yet.

Closer editor Laurence Pieau revealed the bombshell today while defending her decision to publish the topless pics of Kate … saying “I won’t hide the fact that there are more intimate pictures that exist that we haven’t published and will not publish. These images are full of joy, not degrading.”

She didn’t specifically say sex pics … but she didn’t have to. It’s pretty clear what she meant.

So why would she even tell the public about the unseen “intimate” photos?

She could be trying to paint herself as a heroic figure who SAVED the Royal fam from further humiliation … or she just issued a thinly-veiled WARNING to Buckingham Palace: Back off the lawsuit, or else.

Too far, Closer editor Laurence Pieau.  Too far. And if that wasn’t too far, then the news that popular porn site YouPorn wants the photos bad and is making it known that they have an “open checkbook” certainly is. So, once again, ewwww.

Here’s my thing about all of these photos: I think they’re weird and creepy. It’s not like Kate was on a beach or at a hotel, she was staying at a relative’s private estate in France, and she was just hanging out with her husband, and some creepy old photographer hung out in some tree a couple miles down the road (look, judging by the quality of the photos, he was either really really far away or he needs to invest in a better camera if he wants to do this for a living) and took pictures. It’s not wrong because of who Kate Middleton is, it’s wrong because it’s a complete invasion of privacy. I’d feel the same way if there were pictures of Lady Gaga snorting a line off Terry Richardson‘s junk inside her own apartment. It would be like if you were walking around your own house naked and someone saw a crack in the blinds and snapped some photos. It’s weird. Please stop.

Unfortunately, no amount of weirdness can stop me from loving that one topless photo of Kate, the one up at the very top. She looks like she’s doing a little topless jig, and I will never not think that that’s the best thing that Kate Middleton has ever done.

UPDATE: Some Italian magazine claims to have over 200 new pictures that they plan on publishing tomorrow. The royal legal team is aiming to stop it. Will they succeed? Will tomorrow bring new photos of the royal titties? Only time will tell!

September 16, 2012 at 8:00 am by Emily

37Well That Was Fast.

So we talked about Kate Middleton’s nudieness earlier today, and French magazine Closer made good on their promise to release the pictures while I napped and tried to sweat out the DayQuil OD I’m in the process of having. The Royals, though not initially sure they were going to pursue legal action over the photos, have decided to do so, and have also released this statement:

“Their Royal Highnesses have been hugely saddened to learn that a French publication and a photographer have invaded their privacy in such a grotesque and totally unjustifiable manner. The incident is reminiscent of the worst excesses of the press and paparazzi during the life of Diana, Princess of Wales, and all the more upsetting to The Duke and Duchess for being so. Their Royal Highnesses had every expectation of privacy in the remote house. It is unthinkable that anyone should take such photographs, let alone publish them.”

Yeah, well, in the meantime, you can check out Kate Middleton’s nudie photos in the gallery. It’s all cute. And I didn’t nearly expect Kate to have such dark nipples. I always imagined her with larger, peach-colored ones rather than the ones she actually has. But hey—cute is cute!

(more…)

September 14, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

24So I Guess There’s Kate Middleton Nudes Out There Somewhere

Looks like Duchess Kate is about to join the ranks of Prince Harry—in her very own topless scandal! Word on the street has it that French magazine, Closer followed Prince William and Kate on a vacation to Provence, where Kate, naturally, engaged in some topless sunbathing. Closer, sending out the above photo teaser yesterday, claims that the photos will be released later today, and the Royals are pissed. A spokesperson for the family claims that Will and Kate are “saddened” and angry, and that a “red line” has been crossed.

From a French magazine website called Closer (well, at least the Google-translated text, anyway):

“A little more than a year after their marriage, the royal couple was offered a romantic getaway, far from the protocol and etiquette in their very own garden of Eden.”

“Almost alone in the world … because Closer was there! After the holidays of Prince Harry in Las Vegas, discover the very sensual shots of Kate Middleton and her husband Prince William.

“Discover the incredible pictures of the future Queen of England as you’ve never seen her before … and as you will never see her again!”

What do you guys think—are you in agreement with Will and Kate, that a “red line” has been crossed (why red? Why not black? Why not teal? It is, after all, the color of gangrene, and what’s nastier than that)? Or do you think that it’s, you know, not really that big a deal?

September 14, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah