And by ‘eat my hat,’ I clearly mean ‘eat a gun,’ but didn’t think it was entirely appropriate to blast the words EAT A GUN! in the headline of this post. I mean, some of you are at work, and a headline of such nature would surely attract the boss’s attention (unless you are the boss, and in that case, kudos to you). I’m not looking to get anyone fired today, you know.

Anyway, Celebrity-Gossip.net is reporting that Kat Von D just might be pregnant, and the father of said zygote is none other than Jesse James. I mean, yeah, Von D could very well be carrying the child of Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, because I’ve heard that Nazi reproductive organs can do some pretty creepy telepathic things, but I’m sort of doubting that.

What are they basing their speculation upon, you’re wondering? The apparent “baby bump” that Von D was sporting when the couple went public with their hand-holding and sloppy-smooching last week, which we covered here at EB.

But me?  Nah.  I don’t think it’s a baby bump. I think Kat just likes to eat entire cans of Pringles (ranch, notably, as they’re my favorite and fuck, this is my half-baked explanation) on the couch while she and Jesse play Scrabble and Sudoku night in and night out.

Your thoughts — is Kat carrying the spawn of Satan Jesse, or is the absurd rumor mill at it again? Check out the photos and decide for yourself.

TMZ has scored some exclusive photos of America’s Hottest Couple (ahem), and they are just as good as you’d expect them to be. I mean, it looks like Jesse’s put on some eat-yourself-sick-because-your-cash-cow’s-gone pounds, and it kind of looks like he’s trying to substitute his ex-wife with what’s really just a poor man’s Sandra Bullock, but hey. Everyone’s gotta just do their thing, right?  Jeez.

Images courtesy of TMZ

And she went through Twitter to profess her excitement over the new relationship. And then had second thoughts — about the tweet; shame on you. Who’d have second thoughts about dating Jesse James? — so she removed the tweet.

OK then.

That’s the oldest trick in the book, girl. You’re slinging Jesse’s anti-semitic pork tenderloin around. Own it. Love it. Wrap it up, for fuck’s sake.

Enjoy!

Well, it’s apparent that if you’re a ‘tough girl,’ are into body art, and like stars on your face, you have a shot with Jesse James. ‘Cause evidently, Jesse was spotted out with a new girlfriend this past weekend and it was none other than Kat Von D, queen of tattoos and punk rawkness, just like Dita Von Teese is queen of porcelain skin and burlesque.

Awesome. … For Jesse.

I know that, you know, everyone deserves love in some way, shape, or form, but what the hell is a self-respecting woman doing, crawling into Jesse James’ bed before the stank of Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has even been cleansed from his penis? Does that shit ever even come off? I just threw up in my mouth. For real.

In all reality, the two were photographed having dinner together somewhere in Las Vegas. If Kat has any concept of sexual health — or scruples to not get involved with a man who cheats and cheats and cheats — then it was purely business. And that was the direction I was leaning towards.

But yet. But yet. The two were said to have exited the restaurant later in the night holding hands. And that shot my hopeful theory all to hell. I know that sometimes people hold hands because they’re friends, it’s your mom, because it’s chic, and because Americans like to be like Europeans with their trendy traditions, but Jesse James? He knows as much about class and polish as he does about marriage vows.

Kat Von D set up shop in a Borders to sign copies of her new book High Voltage Tattoo.

High Voltage Tattoo is a graphic perspective on today’s global tattoo culture by Kat Von D, star of The Learning Channel’s L.A. Inkand one of the most talented and popular artists working today. Designed in a style that is reminiscent of a handmade Gothic journal with its red padded cover, ornate typography, and parchmentlike pages, it throws the door wide open to tattooing culture in the way only an insider like Kat can.

If you go a grab yourself a copy you’re in for a special treat boys and girls.

There is a knockout ten-page full-body spread of Kat—clad in a yellow bikini and seven-inch, rhinestone-studded red stilettos—that catalogs in detail all her personal tattoos on her front, back, left, and right sides—even her hands and head.

Once you go ahead and jump onto the “head tattoo” train that’s pretty much end of the line for most folks, but not Ms. Von D. It’s only a matter of time before Kat unveils her hooha tat. I’m not sure about how the skin there would take the ink, but given her vast tattoo related experience I’m sure she could find a way…and then put photographs of it in a book for the rest of us to admire.

I’m sure Kat Von D is trying to make some manner of statement by showing up at this post-Grammy party looking like she just escaped from the set of a cheesy horror flick, but I don’t know what it is.

Maybe it’s “Your children should be in bed, and nowhere near me.”

Maybe it’s “And you thought clowns were scary?”

Maybe it’s “If my boots were any higher, I would be having sexual intercourse with them.”

I mean, seriously, is it just me, or does she look like she’s got a penis poking out of those pants?

Weird, weird, weird.