I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this whole “Justin Timberlake went to the Marine Corps Ball” story. It has basically everything that I love, all wrapped up in one neat little adorable package: heartwarming tales, neat uniforms, a former boy band member, and also I cried. Really, what’s not to love?
Just in case you needed a little extra happiness in your day (even though I really don’t see why you would), here’s darling JT’s firsthand account of his Marine Ball adventures:
To all my family, friends and fans -
I’m writing this out to all of you after attending an event that turned out to be one of the most moving evenings I’ve ever had…
I had the honor and privilege last night of attending The Basic School Instructor Battalion 236th Marine Corps Birthday Ball at the Greater Richmond Convention Center with Corporal Kelsey DeSantis…
I knew I would have an evening that I wouldn’t forget… Something I could tell my friends about. What I didn’t know was how moved I would be by the whole experience.
If you’ll recall, over the summer, celebrity after celebrity got invited to the annual Marine Corps Ball. A fine young man asked Mila Kunis to be his date, and she accepted. Another fine young man asked Betty White to be his date, but she already had plans. And, of course, a young lady invited Justin Timberlake. And he obviously said yes.
I just think that this speaks so highly of Justin, don’t you? Sure, at this particular moment he looks like the most uncomfortable boy in the world, but he showed up. Last night, he could have been doing nearly anything his heart desired – he could have rode bikes with Jessica Biel, he could have banged Mila Kunis, he could have lovingly dressed a pony up like a unicorn and taken it for a walk under the stars with some Capri Suns and cute sweaters (which is what I would do if I had Justin Timberlake money) – but he didn’t. He flew out to Richmond, Virginia, put on his little tux, and escorted a Marine to a fancy ball, just like he promised. And I think that’s just wonderful.
Really, no joke, I could do that. I realized that about a year ago when Jimmy and Justin first paired up to conquer the history of rap. I realized that if these two released one of those 20 disc sets of popular hit songs for ten easy payments of $19.99, I would be all over it. I would make every single one of those easy payments, and I would weep with joy when I finally got that glorious set in the mail. And then I would listen to it, over and over and over. And I would hate myself a little, for I despise Jimmy Fallon, but I would also feel just so warm and cozy with these two fellas crankin’ out the jams.
Is this true? Is that what you American males are attracted to these days, Kate and Pippa Middleton? Because I’m sorry, but unless you’re really into fancy parties or fancy hats, then I really don’t understand what you guys and Justin Timberlake go for.
You know who Justin Timberlake looks in this video? Danny Masterson, or ‘Hyde’ from That 70′s Show. Seriously, all he’d need is the stoner squint and some glasses, and it’d be spot-on, even the mannerisms. And Ryan Gosling, goodness. He was just as sweet as pie. Not that I watched the Mickey Mouse Club when I was younger or anything (Are You Afraid of the Dark was more my speed), but are any of you who did, like, totally thunderstruck that these two, who got their starts on MMC, are two of the hottest tickets going today? And for the younger crowd (do we have a younger crowd?), who do you think, today, will be next decade’s hottest tickets?
Remember that time that everybody heard about Mila Kunis having racy pictures of Justin Timberlake on her phone? Remember when one of those pictures was supposed to be his penis? Well, you can just keep on dreaming about finding the fabled JT dick pic, because it’s just. Not. Real. Or so Justin and Mila’s people would have you believe…
‘At no time did Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis exchange inappropriate texts or emails… The insistence that there is any inappropriate correspondence between the two parties is entirely false. We would like to confirm that the photo addressed in the media of Ms. Kunis was in fact not from any phone but from an inactive email account that has not existed in three years. In regards to the other photos in question, they were never exchanged between the two parties. In closing, Mr. Timberlake would like us to make it clear that while he might write songs about putting things in boxes, he never has and definitely doesn’t make a habit of taking any photos of them and sending them… Ms. Kunis would like us to add that while she is a fan of the song, she does not have nor has ever had photos of any male parts in her possession.’
This is the cheekiest statement ever, isn’t it? It does absolutely nothing to make me think that there’s nothing going on between these two, and I really don’t think they even tried. However, the “Dick in a Box” reference is extremely appreciated.
Do you think these two are ever going to come out as a couple, or are we going to have to look at Jessica Biel‘s clingy face every single time we need a little JT in our lives?
This is a really fun blind item (aren’t they all?) and I wanted to share the adventure with you! This one’s a little harder than some, but, in my opinion, totally worth it. Ready?
There is a rumor going around that they are ring-shopping and getting engaged. No. While she may be looking at rings, he is not. These tales of ring-shopping and wedding-planning are pure gossip supplied by her publicist to make people think that their client is every man’s dream girl. She sure is… if your dream girl would never sleep with you. You see, she is a lesbian. A very pretty lesbian, but a lesbian nonetheless. Always has been. He was her beard. Even though they are still friendly (cordial would probably be more accurate ) he still agrees to be seen with her occasionally to keep tongues wagging. It’s over, and he has moved on to another hot actress… who really does sleep with him.
Ok, you might remember that I don’t care for Biel, but think about it. Remember that time that Justin called her the “most special person” he’s ever known and that he didn’t want to talk about the break-up because “I have to protect things that are dear to me – for instance, her”? She’s his BFF, you guys! That’s why you always see them doing bro stuff like riding bikes and jogging and looking not-so-in love. Oh, and remember this ensemble? Throw in all the rumors of Justin and Mila hooking up, and I believe I’ve just thoroughly convinced myself, at least.