0BREAKING: JENNIFER ANISTON STILL NOT MARRIED

Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theoefwrox Theoreusxz Theroux but they haven’t yet married. I’m really bad at spelling Theroux on the first try. But I try, and I like to show you that I try. Teamwork, everyone.

So what’s the holdup, Jennifer Aniston? Please tell us about something that has absolutely nothing to do with us and explain right now why you’re not a wife. From People:

As fans eagerly wait for her to become Mrs. Theroux [LOL PEOPLE CALM DOWN, THIS SOUNDS LIKE NARRATION IN THE BEGINNING OF A DISNEY MOVIE], multiple sources tell PEOPLE that plans for the much-anticipated nuptials have slowed down.

A few months ago, arrangements were in full swing, says a source who speaks to Aniston often. “Wedding bands were designed and Jen was deciding on a dress,” says the source. The actress had a date in mind, too – this spring.

Now, with both Aniston, 44, and Theroux, 41, overloaded with work commitments and a massive house renovation, “wedding talk has stopped.”

[...] With their packed schedules and the challenges of combining their lifestyles, “they need to figure out a way to create a life that makes them both happy,” says the first source. Still, “Jen can’t wait to be [Justin's] wife.”

Oh, okay, good. I was worried there.

I don’t see them getting married. I’m not sure why. But when I close my eyes, the beautiful yet incredibly boring Aniston-Theroux wedding isn’t swimming into focus. What do you think?

June 13, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

3Jennifer Aniston Is “Spontaneous”, Still Doesn’t Have a Wedding Dress

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux might be ready to tie the knot soon, but that doesn’t mean the wedding planning is in the bag. In fact, quite the opposite – it hasn’t really started. Before the peanut gallery chimes in, it’s not because the ceremony is never going to happen and is a total disaster waiting to happen, okay? It’s just Jen’s spontaneous side!

From Life & Style:

“I don’t have a dress,” she said. “I like to be very spontaneous.”

A vision of Jennifer as a blushing bride, complete with a gown for her milestone marriage is “something that will probably come together at the last minute” says the actress.

When asked about planning, Jen wouldn’t dish too much, only offering a reply that it “might make me crazy.”

Yay for procrastination! I mean, a wedding ceremony (especially when you’re a celebrity) isn’t really something you can half-ass, but I admire Jen’s dedication to putting shit off ’til the last possible second. And who knows, maybe that’ll be the secret to success.

April 23, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

3Will Branglina Steal Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Day Thunder?

Oh no they didn’t! Except, you know, they apparently did. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got engaged ages ago, but Mister Chanel just got their 90-day wedding license last week and they could be tying the knot this May. Hurrah! Everyone loves a wedding… except for Jennifer Aniston, whose own ceremony to fiancé Justin Theroux is supposed to be happening around the same time. Escandalo!

From The Sun:

Brad got a wedding licence at the end of last month — which stated they must marry in 90 days.

The deadline could see the big day for the pair clash with the nuptials of Brad’s ex JENNIFER ANISTON — which would spark a bitter bun-fight over celeb guests.

A source said: “Brad and Angelina left themselves short of time to sort out their wedding because of the licence deadline. A few months is nothing when you’re planning a wedding — especially one as major as theirs.

“Everything points to them getting married in May just after the Cannes Film Festival ends, because they’ve got their hearts set on tying the knot in France.”

There were also apparently some rumours that Jennifer was going to attend Brad and Angelina’s wedding as a “gesture of goodwill” – which, for the record, f-ck that – but if he’s doing all this to rain on her parade, he can forget about her turning up.

“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests.

“She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars.”

Y’all know I am adamantly Team Jen and I think Brangelina are total assholes (you know, besides all that amazing charity and activism they participate in) and somehow Jen got all the stick for being cheated on, but whatevs. I’d go to both weddings, just for the free booze.

March 11, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

3Will Jennifer Aniston Change Her Name?

Is Jennifer Aniston thinking about changing her name to Jennifer Theroux after marriage? Sources say yes.

America’s sweetheartplans to secretly take Justin’s last name. “She plans on changing her name to Theroux. She likes the way it sounds and jokes that [Jennifer Theroux] sounds very posh.

When Ms. Aniston married Brad Pitt — wait hold on, does that not seem like a million years ago? Can you even picture them as a couple anymore? Does anyone else feel really old? Anyway, when they married she legally changed her name to Jennifer (Joanne) Pitt but still went by Jennifer Aniston. In this case, with her upcoming marriage to Justin Theroux, she’s thinking about not only legally changing it, but changing it “for the public” as well. Like when Courteney Cox changed her name to Courteney Cox-Arquette. And then in the first episode of Friends after she was married, every cast member had “-Arquette” added to their name. Okay now does anyone else feel really old?

Do you think she’ll do it?

February 28, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

2Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want Another Brad Pitt Situation With Justin Theroux

Oh, Jennifer Aniston. She had such a bad rap as a serial dater and desperate harpy – that is, before she settled down with fiancé Justin Theroux (which earned her the title of homewrecker, considering he was in another relationship at the time). Still, I can’t help but like her for reasons I can’t explain, so don’t ask me. Perhaps it’s a mix of my attachment to Friends, slight pity/solidarity over the whole Brad/Angelina thing and jealousy over how amazing her hair is at all times. Either way, I’m Team Jen. Is that still a thing, or did it stop in like, 2009?

Anyway, as Jen and Justin prepare to walk down the aisle, she’s apparently tried to nip any problems in the bud before they start by sending the couple to a marriage boot camp, where according to Grazia, they had to partake in therapy sessions, couples’ massages and screaming their feelings out. Sounds… fun? A source told the magazine that “she thought it would be a good idea to start married life rid of any problems”.

However, UPDATE! According to HollyScoop, Jen’s rep denied any such boot camp attendance, saying, “It’s all just more rubbish! Not true at all.”

Well, as if they’re going to admit it! But listen, whatever works. We can all use a little therapy sometimes, I guess?

February 6, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer

4Jennifer Aniston Is Engaged!

But hey, for real, ok? Like, for real. This isn’t just the thousandth rumor this month or anything, this is actually, really and truly, for real. You can tell it’s for real because Justin’s rep made a statement to People about it. Look:

Jennifer Aniston is getting married to boyfriend Justin Theroux!

“Justin Theroux had an amazing birthday on Friday, receiving an extraordinary gift when his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston, accepted his proposal of marriage,” his rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

Aniston, 43, and Theroux, 41, an actor-screenwriter, have been dating for more than a year.

The couple – who both starred in Wanderlust – were first spotted together in May 2011.

“They are great friends,” a source told PEOPLE at the time.

During an interview on Good Morning America the next month, when asked about her personal life, Aniston couldn’t hide her emotions.

“Yes, I’m very happy. I’m extremely lucky, and I’m extremely happy,” she said.

You know what must suck though? Having your love life inspected so closely and judged so thoroughly because your husband cheated on you. That must really, really suck. But I’m definitely not above it, because my first thought was “oh, that’s weird timing.” And I know that Jennifer’s whole entire life doesn’t revolve around Brad Pitt. I know that. But I can’t fight this. I’m just one person, and I’m not strong enough.

August 13, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily