Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Justin Bieber

‘Saturday Night Live’ really understands Justin Bieber

justin bieber kate mckinnon

Saturday Night Live is, with few exceptions, an absolute trainwreck in recent years. It’s not funny, the cast is a fucking mess (for the most part) and they just can’t seem to get their stride like in past generations. They’re working on it, and there are certainly moments of brilliance, but it’s not completely solid. But let’s concentrate on the positive, shall we?

Kate McKinnon is one of the most talented comedians on the show, and her impression of stars like Ellen DeGeneres and Justin Bieber are just fantastic. It was the latter, little Justin and his recent Calvin Klein ad, that was the subject of a few commercial shorts during this weekend’s episode. Here, see for yourself:

So good!

Also, Mark Wahlberg’s wife, Rhea, has something to say about Justin’s ad, and it’s petty as hell:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much, considering Mark’s just as much of a wanker as Justin, but ooooookay.

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Justin Bieber threatens to sue over his small dick pictures

justin bieber

Last week, a site called Breathe Heavy apparently got a hold of some photos showing Justin Bieber before and after Photoshopping for his new Calvin Klein campaign. The comparison was hilarious – in the final product, his biceps were enlarged, his stomach chiseled more and most notably, his dick was made bigger. As in… it was doubled in size.

Of course, this did not go over very well with JB himself, whose manhood was gravely insulted. He immediately sprung into action, threatening a lawsuit which caused the site to retract the before pics. Here’s what they posted:

Team Bieber sent BreatheHeavy a cease and desist letter because of the alleged un-retouched Calvin Klein photo we posted, asking we remove the picture in question as well as provide a retraction.

Because BreatheHeavy is not about making anyone feel bad or intentionally stirring the pot (and are definitely not here for lawsuits), we shall retract the story per request.

Bieber denies the photo is real, and I respect that and will believe him.

SMH, right, right… Bieber also had his personal trainer give a statement on how big his junk is. Here’s what Patrick Nilsson, a grown ass man, actually told Access Hollywood:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy,” Patrick told Access, explaining that Justin’s junk was not massaged or touched by Photoshop.

“I sound weird saying that, but yes,” he continued, not explaining how he discovered this juicy bit of personal Biebs info.

Wow. I must say, there’s no easier way to spot a dude with a small dick than by seeing a man so hell bent on proving just how big his is. Way to go, Bieber – you’ve just convinced everyone you’ve got a Lil’ Smokie in your shorts (and now I want to vomit even typing that).

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Surprise! Justin Bieber was Photoshopped in his Calvin Klein ad

calvin klein justin bieber

When Justin Bieber revealed his new Calvin Klein ad earlier this week, anyone with a brain and a working set of eyes very quickly called bullshit on the whole thing. Like, sorry to ruin your fantasies, but the Biebs does NOT look like that. He does not have biceps like that. His dick is not that big. Just no.

Some naysayers called us haters, but those of us who knew better stayed strong… and now the real before and after pictures have leaked. And yeeeeeep, they were Photoshopped to high heavens.

justin bieber photoshop

I mean, look – who’s REALLY surprised? Did anyone honestly expect Bieber to have anything but a small dick? Did anyone truly believe he was that big and buff? No, and that’s okay – Photoshop happens to the best of ‘em.

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Justin Bieber wears junk-hugging Calvin Klein underwear

calvin klein justin bieber

File this under “Shit I Never Asked to See” – Justin Bieber‘s campaign for Calvin Klein underwear is out, and it’s… interesting.

The photos were shared by Justin himself on his Twitter page today, and a bunch of pre-teens probably discovered their privates for the first time today as they gazed upon the fabric that surrounds his.

Just a few questions:

1. Why does Justin Bieber think he’s David Beckham?

2. Who was the Photoshop specialist hired for Justin’s crotchal region? That’s right, crotchal.

3. Why does Justin’s head look too small for his body?

4. Why?

Anyhow, I’m sure SOMEONE out there will enjoy these. Don’t say I never gave ya anything!

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Justin Bieber lied about buying a private jet

justin bieber

Justin Bieber loves lying about shit he’s apparently bought but actually hasn’t. Remember when he tried to pretend like he bought a yacht, but it was actually some rich family in Florida’s boat? Or when he acted like he had a Bugatti which was actually Birdman’s? This time around, Justin is pretending that he bought his own private jet… but uh, he didn’t, actually.

TMZ has learned the jet Bieber posed on is a G4 — which is for sale — but was not purchased by JB. Sources with direct knowledge of the aircraft tell us Justin merely chartered it for a Christmas flight from Canada to NYC. In other words … just a really expensive Uber.

Justin captioned the pic … “New jet for Christmas, and she’s beautiful” — prompting many to believe he’d just made the biggest purchase of his life. Not so … though it’s true that it was new to him, and the 22-seat ride is undeniably beautiful.

Apparently JB is worth about $200 million, and a private jet (to buy) is $50 million, meaning 25% of his money would be gone. No surprise why he didn’t actually buy it. But like, who needs to be that much of a poser to pretend he has his own jet? Please, settle down, idiot. And get rid of the blonde hair.

In other bullshit Justin Bieber news, here’s a photo of him skateboarding in what appears to be a sweater vest:

justin bieber

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Justin Bieber is “super single” and ready to mingle, I assume

justin bieber

Step right up, ladies! Justin Bieber may have been rumoured to be dating Hailey Baldwin, but apparently that’s a load of bologna. In fact, he’s “super single” and ready to mingle with whatever lady lacks enough self-respect to go anywhere near him! Hurrah!

“People are crazy. I’m super single and this is my good friend u would know otherwise.”

I’m not quite sure that’s a sentence that makes any sense in the English language, but what the hell, let’s go with it. “This is my good friend u would know otherwise” it is.

For the record, Hailey also denies that they’re a couple, telling E! News:

“I’ve known him since I was so young – since I was like 13 – and we’ve just been good friends over the years. We have just stayed close and there’s nothing more to it than that.”

I love when celebs claim they’ve been friends since they were kids when it’s clearly they totally weren’t, but whatever. Live your lives, kids. I’m sure Selena Gomez is weeping over her greatest hits album as we speak.

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook

Justin Bieber is a bleach blonde now

justin bieber

Welp, I’m not quite sure what phase of his life Justin Bieber is currently in, but it’s one that includes him bleaching his hair and living as a blonde for now. Some have suggested that this move was to help him get over Selena Gomez, but I’m not sure I really get the logic. What, like women, he feels the need to make a big change to signify a new era in his life? Eh.

Anyhoo, can we also talk about these horrendous tattoos? I mean, what the hell is that? It’s all too much and NOT a good look. He seems to be purposely trying to ruin himself – hopefully he ruins himself straight on out of the spotlight.

Follow us on Twitter | Facebook