Don’t worry, I don’t really believe that, that Justin Bieber is the new King of Pop – I actually believe that Justin Bieber is the new King of Dumb Tattoos and Douchebaggery – I only said that because this kid will absolutely not shut up about Michael Jackson in this interview he did with V Magazine.

On his hopes and dreams: My goal at the end of the day—right now—I want to be successful and be great at what I do. But eventually, I want to become the best at what I do. I want to be the best. In the world. I want to be better than anybody that’s ever done it. And in order to do that, I need to strive to be the best, be good to people and treat people with respect, and work as hard as I can. Because for me, I work so hard and this consumes my life, and it’s not worth it if I’m not the best.

On “the best”: I mean, I consider Michael Jackson the best. If I could be at his level… But I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m not saying it’s going to happen within the next three years. But hopefully by the time I’m 30, people will remember me. I think people will remember me at this point, but I don’t want people to just think of me as a teen sensation. Because I could probably just sell out, and then in two years not put out another album, and just become Justin Bieber the teen superstar. But I don’t want to be that. I want to transition, and become the greatest.

On his plans to keep it clean: There are people who try to grow up too fast—they’re 18, so they’re like, I’m not a kid anymore. People need to know I’m not a kid anymore. But at the end of the day, I’m not completely grown-up. I’m still learning. I’m going to grow up how I grow up. I’m not going to try to conform to what people want me to be or go out there and start partying, have people see me with alcohol. I want to do it at my own pace. But I’m never going to make myself so the kids and the parents don’t respect me. There’re some artists that [parents won’t] let their kids go and see because they think they’re a bad influence. I want to be able to do what Michael did—he always sang clean lyrics—and it was always that little kids loved Michael and grandparents loved Michael. I don’t want to start singing about things like sex, drugs, and swearing. I’m into love, and maybe I’ll get more into making love when I’m older. But I want to be someone who is respected by everybody. Because right now, the young people are who make society. Young people determine what’s cool. Young people determine what’s going to be in style. So I always stick with the young people, that’s what I say.

More on Michael Jackson: Michael had a really bad childhood. I was blessed with a great childhood. My mom loved me. My dad loved me. I’m now a teenager and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything in my life. I’ve gotten to experience everything I possibly could. I don’t look back and think, Ugh, I wish I would have been able to do that. Maybe [Michael] missed out on a lot, so he tried to [re-live] his childhood when he was older. But I’ve got such good people around me, I’m not worried.

On admiring Lil Wayne and Kanye, and also Michael Jackson: I can’t say I look up to them, but I definitely like what they do. I think that they’re amazing. But are they on Michael’s level? I don’t think they’re on Michael’s level. Well, Kanye is on a different level. I mean, Kanye is probably my favorite producer. He’s a musical genius. But, he’s not on Michael’s level. I think that in order to be on Michael’s level you have to reach as many people as Michael reached, and Kanye doesn’t reach as many people. No one really does.

But what about you, Justin?

(more…)

Justin, listen. Listen, sugar. You know I love you. You know that I care about your well-being more than my own. You know that I would do anything at all in my power to make you happy, and if there was something that wasn’t in my power to do, I would research the necessary magic spells, Satanic rituals, and blackmailing techniques that would give me that power. I would do anything for you, Justin, and you know that because of all those letters as I sent you and also that one VHS tape with hopefully unnoticeable stains that was returned to me (the postal service, LOL, so annoying!). But listen. We need to have a talk.

I looked the other way when you started dating Selena Gomez, because I know it’s just some PR move and that you don’t really love her and that you didn’t really hold hands at the IHOP, and despite what my letters sent in the December of 2010 and the January of 2011 say, I know that you weren’t and aren’t trying to hurt me. I looked the other way when you did that song with Chris Brown, because I want you to do well in your career, no matter how gross Chris Brown is. I even looked the other way when I saw that video of you that displayed your inability to name all seven continents, because I thought it was kind of cute and that it was something we could do together, learn first grade geography. But this? This is too far.

When you got your first tattoo with your dad, the one on your ribs of the Hebrew word for “Jesus,” I was furious. You remember. I thought it was awful that you were tainting your pure tender flesh with permanent ink, no matter what the message was. I thought that you had forever defiled yourself, and that was very upsetting to me. And you knew that, Justin, you knew that. I mentioned it in many letters, my disappointment. It wasn’t a secret.

Over time, I grew to accept the tattoo. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, because it was. It was way hard. But when you love someone, when you truly love someone with all your heart and soul, you accept them completely, no matter what. “So he wanted to get a Jesus tattoo,” I said. “Is that the end of the world?”

But this, Justin. This is the end of the motherf*cking world. Are you kidding me with this? Have you lost your goddamn mind? A tattoo of Jesus’ face on your precious leg? A sizable tattoo covering up your tiny angel calf? What is the meaning of this, Justin? Tell me why you did it, just tell me why. And then remove it. You get it removed THIS INSTANT, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Ok, sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I lost my temper for a minute, but you know I love you. You know I just want the best for you. Here, I’ll run and make you another collage to prove it. And, in turn, put on some pants so I don’t have to see your ruined flesh.

Love,
Emily

Can he ruin Christmas? He sure can! Can he make your daughters scream his name? 24/7, y’all. Can he name all the continents? Um … psh, unimportant! What we want to know is if he can freestyle over a Notorious B.I.G. song.

Check out the video, you guys. All your questions will be answered, and all your dreams will come true.

By now, it’s pretty obvious that Justin Bieber loves Christmas almost as much as Courtney Stodden. He’s brought us so much seasonal joy with his Christmas songs, and now it’s time that he brings us the same joy by talking to us about his favorite holiday:

On Santa: My mom always told me there wasn’t a Santa. This was her logic: She thought if I grew up knowing about Santa then finding out he wasn’t real, that it would be like she was lying to me. And then when she told me about God, I maybe wouldn’t believe her. So she just wanted to be straight-up and honest with me all the time. But I didn’t tell my friends or ruin it for anyone — I was a good kid!

On Christmas traditions: We played a game on Christmas Day where everyone brought a girl gift and a boy gift. You roll the dice and if you get doubles, you get to pick a present and if you don’t, it’s the next person’s turn. Then, the next time you roll doubles you get to choose someone else’s present and switch. One time I really wanted a Game Boy but I ended up with pots and pans, which was disappointing. I think I gave them to my mom.

On “the best present ever”: I remember getting my first red bike which didn’t have training wheels on it. I was stoked. I thought it was the best present ever. It took me a little bit to learn how to ride it; I banged myself up, but I learned.

On his two- and three-year-old siblings, Jaxon and Jazmyn: When it comes to my little sister and brother, I spoil them. With Jazzy, all she has to do is cry and she gets what she wants. She’ll be getting a lot of Christmas presents.

But do they know he’s famous? Jaxon doesn’t really know. Jazmyn knows a little bit but she doesn’t really know the extent of it. She knows that I sing, she loves my songs and she’ll sing along to them — she’s really cute like that. And she has just now started calling me “Justin,” but for the past year she called me “Bieber” because that’s all she could say. It was like, “Bieber! Bieber!”

His Christmas wish: To be honest, I really don’t have any Christmas wishes this year… I just wish to be happy and that everyone be healthy in my family. And I wish that everybody gets to hear my Christmas album — and hopefully like it.

Do you love him more? Because I love him more.

I have a lot of fun pretending like Justin Bieber is the world’s most beautiful, most wondrous man, but just this once I’m going to drop the act and just say that wow, this kid is the biggest bag of douches* that I’ve ever seen. The way he carries himself, his behavior, even just his little voice in this promo as he talks about making your daughters scream, it’s all just uncomfortable and somewhat nauseating, right?

*Did I ever tell you guys about my first encounter with douches? I was probably 11 or 12, and my cousins and I were giving our grandmother’s house a thorough cleaning because she told us that if we didn’t she’d hit us with the riding crop (and she totally would – I never got the crop myself, the closest I ever came to it was when I refused to eat dinner at her house and offered to receive a little tap if I could just go outside and play, but my cousins definitely did). I was cleaning the bathroom, and I opened the closet door and all these boxes fell and hit me. They were douches. Douches rained from my grandmother’s closet, so I put the back in an orderly fashion, and later I asked my grandma what those things were, and she told me to go outside and hush. I think that’s why the term “douchebag” hits especially hard for me. And that’s my favorite story about douches.

See, now, if I close my eyes for the first few seconds, it’s not so bad. But then I hear that awful, whiny “Baby” voice, and I’m brought back to the reality of what’s seriously going on. Also, does Mariah Carey just not dance anymore? Is her majesty above having to move on the set of a music video? She’s just content to pick up a tibia and toss it behind her every now and again, is that what this is?

Finally, the whole thing just sounds so damned auto-tuned. It’s not even real. It’s a bad dream, and I’m going to wake up any minute now.

… Any minute now, right? OK?