Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is really sorry for being a total douchebag

justin bieber

Here’s what I want to know: who knocked some sense into Justin Bieber‘s dumb ass? For the past several years, he’s progressively become more and more of an absolute walking shitbag and it was actually starting to affect his career (read: his money). Because of this, he’s decided to turn over a new leaf and go back to being “kind and loving and gentle and soft” – his mom raised him to be a softy, after all!

This all stemmed from his appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week, which he was apparently really nervous about because he hasn’t done a public appearance for a while and he felt like everyone was judging him. That apparently gave him some food for thought and he’s a changed man now who wants your forgiveness, according to a video he posted on Facebook yesterday:

To be honest, I’m not sure where Justin is filming this video and why he’s in complete darkness and speaking in a whisper. Is he afraid some of his “hard” friends might hear him and make fun of him? It’s all so strange.

In any case, it’s hard to listen to this and be like, “Nah, fuck this kid” because he’s right – growing up in the business has GOT to be hard, and frankly he’s fared better than the likes of, say, Lindsay Lohan and co. That being said, he has been SUCH a righteous douchebag that it’s hard to take this seriously. But kids do dumb shit all the time and they grow and learn and change, and maybe someone around him DOES actually care about him enough to take the time to sort of mentor him and get him back on the right path. He wasn’t always so awful, so surely he could – if he really wanted to – return to being that humble, kind kid, right?

God, maybe *I* am turning into a softy! What do you think?

Has Justin Bieber really changed?
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Is Justin Bieber a changed man(child)?

justin bieber

Justin Bieber is one of the most notorious menaces to society in that he’s an utter dickbag with no sense of common decency or decorum and no idea about what it means to face consequences for his actions. He’s a joke, really – a literal joke, considering he’s about to be roasted by Comedy Central, apparently at his own request. It turns out, this roast might be a turning point for our pal Bieber, who is said to have been actually behaving himself pretty well over the past couple of months.

TMZ first reported … Justin himself asked to be roasted to celebrate his 21st birthday. We’re told he views it as a form of therapy … acknowledging hijinks from DUIs to pissing in kitchen buckets.

But here’s the thing … Justin definitely seems to have changed over the last 4 months. People around L.A. tell us he’s polite again, respectful and extremely generous. He went to Mozza in L.A. Sunday night but the restaurant was full. Two guys saw him and gladly moved to the bar so he could have a table. We’re told Justin walked up to thank them and then bought their dinner.

And Justin was in line at a restaurant a few days back and randomly bought a meal for some people behind him.

People who have regular contact with Bieber tell us they’ve seen a radical change. As one put it, “The person I knew is back.”

As for why the roast will be therapy … we’re told Justin thinks the evening will end the chapter of his life where he messed up. He’ll take his lumps, and then move on as a real adult.

I’m a bit too skeptical to believe that he’s actually got his shit together. He still LOOKS like too much of a toolbox to be taken seriously, and I don’t think staying out of trouble for 3 months means you’re suddenly a reformed character. Then there’s the fact that he’s marking the end of his dickhead era with… a celebration of himself. Instead of doing something massively worthwhile – say, something for charity that he actually takes part in instead of just throwing money at – he’s going to sit around and listen to people tell jokes about him. Well done, Justin. Truly selfless act.

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Justin Bieber is getting his own Comedy Central roast

justin bieber

Justin Bieber has already been roasted repeatedly by Saturday Night Live and pretty much the entire internet, but it’s time to make it official, eh? Comedy Central is actually giving Bieber his own roast, to be filmed in March. He’ll be present for the roast and is apparently thrilled it’s happening since he’s been begging for it for years (lol).

The world-famous pop star, 20, will be roasted by the network in a March 7 taping, the insider tells Us. (Ryan Seacrest was first to reveal the news on Tuesday, Jan. 19.)

The source tells Usthat Bieber will be present for the roast. In fact, the “Baby” singer has been wanting to take part in one for ages. “Justin has been asking us for years to roast him,” Comedy Central told Seacrest, “so we kept telling him to create some more material and we’re thrilled he listened.”

First of all, there’s no way in hell he’s been wanting to do this for ages. He’ll cry his eyes out once the cameras stop rolling – he has no idea what he’s in for. But kudos for the attempt to seem like you’re ~totally chill~ and can laugh at yourself. It’s completely unbelievable, but hey, A+ for effort.

That being said, I wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity to see Justin Bieber ripped a new asshole, so I’ll check this out. Well played, Comedy Central.

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‘Saturday Night Live’ really understands Justin Bieber

justin bieber kate mckinnon

Saturday Night Live is, with few exceptions, an absolute trainwreck in recent years. It’s not funny, the cast is a fucking mess (for the most part) and they just can’t seem to get their stride like in past generations. They’re working on it, and there are certainly moments of brilliance, but it’s not completely solid. But let’s concentrate on the positive, shall we?

Kate McKinnon is one of the most talented comedians on the show, and her impression of stars like Ellen DeGeneres and Justin Bieber are just fantastic. It was the latter, little Justin and his recent Calvin Klein ad, that was the subject of a few commercial shorts during this weekend’s episode. Here, see for yourself:

So good!

Also, Mark Wahlberg’s wife, Rhea, has something to say about Justin’s ad, and it’s petty as hell:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much, considering Mark’s just as much of a wanker as Justin, but ooooookay.

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Justin Bieber threatens to sue over his small dick pictures

justin bieber

Last week, a site called Breathe Heavy apparently got a hold of some photos showing Justin Bieber before and after Photoshopping for his new Calvin Klein campaign. The comparison was hilarious – in the final product, his biceps were enlarged, his stomach chiseled more and most notably, his dick was made bigger. As in… it was doubled in size.

Of course, this did not go over very well with JB himself, whose manhood was gravely insulted. He immediately sprung into action, threatening a lawsuit which caused the site to retract the before pics. Here’s what they posted:

Team Bieber sent BreatheHeavy a cease and desist letter because of the alleged un-retouched Calvin Klein photo we posted, asking we remove the picture in question as well as provide a retraction.

Because BreatheHeavy is not about making anyone feel bad or intentionally stirring the pot (and are definitely not here for lawsuits), we shall retract the story per request.

Bieber denies the photo is real, and I respect that and will believe him.

SMH, right, right… Bieber also had his personal trainer give a statement on how big his junk is. Here’s what Patrick Nilsson, a grown ass man, actually told Access Hollywood:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy,” Patrick told Access, explaining that Justin’s junk was not massaged or touched by Photoshop.

“I sound weird saying that, but yes,” he continued, not explaining how he discovered this juicy bit of personal Biebs info.

Wow. I must say, there’s no easier way to spot a dude with a small dick than by seeing a man so hell bent on proving just how big his is. Way to go, Bieber – you’ve just convinced everyone you’ve got a Lil’ Smokie in your shorts (and now I want to vomit even typing that).

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Surprise! Justin Bieber was Photoshopped in his Calvin Klein ad

calvin klein justin bieber

When Justin Bieber revealed his new Calvin Klein ad earlier this week, anyone with a brain and a working set of eyes very quickly called bullshit on the whole thing. Like, sorry to ruin your fantasies, but the Biebs does NOT look like that. He does not have biceps like that. His dick is not that big. Just no.

Some naysayers called us haters, but those of us who knew better stayed strong… and now the real before and after pictures have leaked. And yeeeeeep, they were Photoshopped to high heavens.

justin bieber photoshop

I mean, look – who’s REALLY surprised? Did anyone honestly expect Bieber to have anything but a small dick? Did anyone truly believe he was that big and buff? No, and that’s okay – Photoshop happens to the best of ‘em.

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Justin Bieber wears junk-hugging Calvin Klein underwear

calvin klein justin bieber

File this under “Shit I Never Asked to See” – Justin Bieber‘s campaign for Calvin Klein underwear is out, and it’s… interesting.

The photos were shared by Justin himself on his Twitter page today, and a bunch of pre-teens probably discovered their privates for the first time today as they gazed upon the fabric that surrounds his.

Just a few questions:

1. Why does Justin Bieber think he’s David Beckham?

2. Who was the Photoshop specialist hired for Justin’s crotchal region? That’s right, crotchal.

3. Why does Justin’s head look too small for his body?

4. Why?

Anyhow, I’m sure SOMEONE out there will enjoy these. Don’t say I never gave ya anything!

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