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Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Is Just The Worst

A photo of Justin Bieber

So Justin Bieber has this thing about wearing saggy britches. And not just regular saggy britches, no. Saggy britches like this:

A photo of Justin Bieber

I know, aren’t those the most awful pants you’ve ever seen? That’s part of why he’s the worst.

The other part of why he’s the worst is because of that picture up at the very top, the one where he’s in the skintight jeans. He posted that picture on Instagram and said “To those of u who tell me not to sag my pants. Double think that.” What a little bitch.

But really, all that tight pants picture does is make me think about how hilarious it would be if Justin Bieber starred in a remake of Grease. Blasphemous, yes, but hilarious nonetheless. And then Taylor Swift would play Sandy, and Miley Cyrus would play Rizzo. I bet Miley could do a mean “There Are Worse Things I Could Do.”

So you know, maybe Justin Bieber isn’t the worst. Maybe Justin Bieber is just a visionary.

Justin Bieber is Abusing People Now

Namely, his bodyguard, who he allegedly “punched repeatedly” in the chest, and it’s also the very same bodyguard to whom is allegedly owed somewhere in the neighborhood of $400k in unpaid overtime. Isn’t Justin just the best, guys? And by “best,” I mean “worst punk-ass little shit to ever scar the world to the core”?

Selena Gomez Dumped Justin Bieber for Sure

photo of selena gomez pictures
From Us Weekly:

No wonder Justin Bieber has been acting out: Days before the pop star, 18, was caught smoking pot in shocking TMZ photos, he and girlfriend Selena Gomez have parted ways yet again — this time for good, multiple sources tell the new Us Weekly, out now.

Although Bieber and the singer-actress, 20, journeyed to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico for a New Year’s trip, their happy holiday was cut short when Gomez abruptly flew home to Los Angeles on Dec. 30. “They had another huge fight, and Selena won’t forgive him,” an insider tells Us Weekly of the perpetually on-again, off-again pair.

It certainly seems final this time — with Gomez spending New Year’s Eve at an L.A. house party with pals, while Bieber rang in 2013 with rapper pal Lil Twist at L.A. club Couture, where he flirted with various girls. “He’s been really down about the breakup,” a source admits.

Citing Bieber’s “bad influence,” another pal insists: “Selena is done with him.” For more details on the breakup, pick up the new issue of Us Weekly, on stands Friday.

Can I tell you how glad I am to hear this? Not that I’m really partial to either Justin Bieber or Selena Gomez, but this young kid is going to have a long road ahead of him, and I have a feeling he’s going to be the male Lindsay Lohan, because really, why not? We haven’t had a crazy young dude wrecking the whole shit since … well, I don’t even know when. Selena Gomez, however, just doesn’t really strike me to be into that kind of stuff. Selena Gomez just doesn’t seem to be a big, stupid drama queen, nor does she seem like she’s into going through the motions of playing mother to a faux-bad boy gone … well, faux-bad.

My opinion? Maybe Justin Bieber can start dating Lindsay Lohan. Wouldn’t that just be so, so super?

Miley Cyrus is Mad That Justin Bieber’s Fans Are Cutting Themselves

photo of justin bieber pictures smoking pot photo
OK, brace yourself, guys, because this morning is about to get even more absurd than it already is, what with Taylor Swift getting dumped for the zillionth time in a row.

The latest story is that Justin Bieber‘s f-cking weirdo fans have banded together to cut themselves in an effort to make their favorite popstar stop all the pot-smoking, because duh, like, pot smoking is so, so bad and only scumbags do things like that*.

Things are getting so crazy that even dang ol’ Miley Cyrus is jumping into the fray, calling all of Justin’s fans who are considering cutting themselves stupid and “disrespectful.” From TMZ:

The hashtag #cut4bieber has become the top U.S. trend on Twitter … after people began posting photos featuring bleeding arms, allegedly the result of “cutting” by disappointed fans looking to pressure the singer into giving up his pot habit.

In fact, someone even started a website encouraging Bieber fans to cut themselves and post photos of the carnage …. until Bieber gives up marijuana for good.

But moments ago, Miley Cyrus weighed in on the troubling trend — retweeting a messaging saying:

“#cut4bieber? Cutting is NOT something to joke about. There are people who are actually suffering from self-harm, this is so disrespectful.”

Oh my God. #cut4bieber? Can we maybe change that to “#die4bieber”, because the whole idea of people being so stupid as to cut themselves because Justin Bieber, an eighteen-year-old kid who’s got the world by the balls, wants to smoke pot, kind of makes me want the human race as a whole to just keel over, because guys, we have all apparently failed miserably.

*Only scumbags do not do that. Sure, there are probably scumbags who do smoke pot, but not all people who smoke pot are scumbags. I mean, scumbags work at the bank, scumbags take care of poor, innocent children in daycare centers, and scumbags even teach at University. There are also plenty of people who work at the bank, or who take care of poor, innocent children in daycare centers, and who even teach at University who probably smoke pot and who aren’t scumbags. See? Things are just so diverse—it’s impossible to lump all people into one category and then cut yourself over the category that you don’t like.

Justin Bieber Is So Sorry About All The Weed

A photo of Justin Bieber

Are you happy now? Have you gotten your fill of shaming poor little Justin Bieber, or do you still have some more insults to throw at him for smoking that wacky weed? Did you forget what it was like to be a rich and famous 18-year-old boy? Do you have no humanity? No decency?

Well, regardless of all that, this is not about you. This is about Justin, and how even though he makes mistakes, he’s still a wonderful person, a bright, beautiful star in this dark, dark world. Here are some tweets he tweeted yesterday that prove just how wonderful – and just how sorry – he really is:

everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up.

back on tour tomorrow. ready to see u all smile. time to do what im supposed to be doing. performing. #BELIEVEtour

i see all of u. i hear all of u. i never want to let any of you down. i love u. and..thank u. #beliebers

like i said…2013…new challenges. new doubters…Im ready. We are ready. see u all tomorrow and everyday after that. #BELIEVEtour

goodnight ladies. #muchlove

So there you go, doubters. Justin Bieber has acknowledged that he is only allowed to do one thing in this life: excite the young girls of the world. He is allowed no mistakes, no breaks, and no setbacks. Justin Bieber is a machine, and as such, he was in the studio this very morning recording a song to smooth this whole thing over. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming, based on this tweet from Justin’s manager, Scooter:

up early working hard to get this last minute very heartfelt song the kid just wrote onto the #BelieveAcoustic album. #11songs

So what do you say? Can you forgive him yet?