Wow. This is just a whole lot of information about our dear Justin Bieber all at once. I’m still in too much shock to accurately describe all of the things that Justin is being sued for, so let me just give you some of the facts from the filed suit that TMZ obtained:
– “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”
– “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”
– “[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”
– “Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. ”
The lawsuit concludes … “I’m an emotional mess … America must boycott biebers music!”
Yeah, did you catch that bit in the first item? This lawsuit was filed by Selena Gomez‘s dad. Can you believe Justin would do all these things to his future father-in-law? I wouldn’t have thought so, but all the details are just so convincing. How could someone make this up? Justin got Selena pregnant on his Canadian bear skin rug, all right? And Usher sodomized him with a firework. This is clearly a loving, devoted father who’s been terrorized by his daughter’s boyfriend. He wouldn’t lie about this stuff.
October 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Probably, you guys. Probably, right at this very moment, they’re kissing for the very first time as husband and wife. Ok, and just now Jessica Biel started sobbing with joy. That’s still happening. Still happening, ok, and just now, Justin Timberlake winked at a bridesmaid.
Of course, I can’t be sure that that’s exactly what’s going on, but I bet I’m pretty close. See, Justin and Jess, eternal lovebirds, are in Italy right now, and so is Andy Samberg and important people in the music business and probably Lance Bass. There are pictures, even. And why would all these people be gathering in Italy?
Because Jessica finally has this thing on lock. Congrats, girl. Very well played.
October 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Ah, leave it to Justin Bieber to achieve the complete opposite of what he set out to do. Go figure.
Here’s what Justin had to say about bullying:
“By now, we’ve all seen news reports of things that started out as jokes or private conversations that have ended up as headline news. Now I don’t want to stop you from using the internet or connecting with each other online, but I want to make sure you’re aware of what’s going on out there and what you can do to stop yourself from making a small mistake that could follow you for the rest of your life or ruin someone else’s.”
And yeah. It’s a good message. But I feel awfully conflicted when I hear these words come out of a face that I want nothing more than to punch. Hard.
October 12, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
At least according to his stolen laptop, which apparently had a lot of personal “footage” on there. The only “footage” I could see causing a problem for Justin would, of course, be a sex tape. Are we going to see a Justin Bieber sex tape? God, I don’t know. The idea positively frightens me, and before I can actually consider what that might be like, I’m brought to think of Hulk Hogan and his sex tape, where he bangs the chick and immediately starts talking about how much of a pig he is because he ate [fill in the blank] not ten minutes ago. I think it’d be like that. I also think it’d probably involve that weird thing that people used to do, which I’d call “drinking tons of milk and vomiting over hotel balconies,” because I’m certain that’s what an eighteen-year-old punk who thinks his dick is God’s gift to older women the world over would think is some darn good FOREPLAY.
I mean, don’t ask me why. It’s not like I was the one who had the foresight to steal his notebook, it’s just my suspicions. You know.
October 11, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Well, “champion” is probably not the appropriate word here, because I bet poor little Justin Bieber totally ralphed after the first round. But Justin Bieber did play beer pong. And that’s the important story here.
He might not be enrolled in school … but Justin Bieber is definitely getting a taste of the college experience … ’cause we got a photo of the Biebs playing an intense game of BEER PONG.
Even though he’s underage, we know Bieber pounded some beer during the game … just like every other underage college kid across the country.
The question — which country?
One source connected with Bieber — who was not there — says the game went down on Canadian soil … or in Georgia (he travels a lot, it’s hard to keep track). Either way, the source says it happened a year and a half ago, which would have made Bieber 17-years-old … and too young to legally booze in either country.
Another source — who was there — swears it happened in Alabama back in June … which still makes Biebs too young to booze.
And the photo? You’re going to just love the photo:
That’s what Justin Bieber looks like at parties. That right there. So take a good, hard look, Beliebers, because that is what you’re fantasizing about. A baby-faced young man who wears a backpack and a handkerchief to parties. Just think about that.
October 9, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily
That’s Justin Bieber, the new King of Pop, if you’ll remember, grabbing his crotch with a gloved hand during a concert and not vomiting. Now, I was busy either playing with blocks, learning to hold my head up, or not being born yet during Michael Jackson‘s heyday, but wasn’t this sort of his thing? Isn’t this particular move already taken?
Mull it over, friends, but in the meantime, here’s another photo from Justin’s concert:
Justin Bieber: King of Pop and Angel of Song. Inspiring, isn’t it?
Images courtesy of Oceanup