Justin Bieber‘s dad always gives me the creeps. Not in any major way, like I definitely wouldn’t speculate that he’s a bad guy or a bad father or anything, but I just...
You guys, today is a big day. It’s a huge day. And do you know why? It’s because Justin Bieber, our resident heartthrob, is turning 18 today. Do you know what that means? ... Because, you know, that’s a thing, being pre-engaged. It’s when you’re engaged to be engaged. It’s sort of like how right now I’m planning on planning on... And for once, I’m not trying to mock him by saying that. No, today, really and truly, Justin Bieber is a hero. He’s a good person, he’s a sweetheart, and I respect him. ... First of all, it should be completely appalling to you that Justin Bieber wants to remake any movie at all. Do you remember his work on CSI? It wasn’t that good, and he was just a... That’s usually what that means, right? When Lindsay Lohan dyes her hair blonde, it reflects the amount of crazy she’s got in her system at that particular given time. When... Don’t worry, I don’t really believe that, that Justin Bieber is the new King of Pop – I actually believe that Justin Bieber is the new King of Dumb Tattoos and... Justin, listen. Listen, sugar. You know I love you. You know that I care about your well-being more than my own. You know that I would do anything at all in my power to make you happy... Can he ruin Christmas? He sure can! Can he make your daughters scream his name? 24/7, y’all. Can he name all the continents? Um … psh, unimportant! What we want to know is... By now, it’s pretty obvious that Justin Bieber loves Christmas almost as much as Courtney Stodden. He’s brought us so much seasonal joy with his Christmas songs, and now... I have a lot of fun pretending like Justin Bieber is the world’s most beautiful, most wondrous man, but just this once I’m going to drop the act and just say that wow, this kid... See, now, if I close my eyes for the first few seconds, it’s not so bad. But then I hear that awful, whiny “Baby” voice, and I’m brought back to the reality of...
Justin Bieber
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