5Justin Bieber Is A High School Graduate!

Aww, Justin, I’m so proud! So far this year, The Biebz has been named the new King of Pop, he’s changed the world of music forever, and his penis has been christened “Jerry.” This guy is unstoppable. But now that he’s got a high school diploma, he can go on to college, right?

Nah, he just got the stupid thing because of his mom:

Justin Bieber is growing up. Beyond the fast cars, sexy women and mature new sound, the 18-year-old pop star is now a high school graduate.

The “Boyfriend” singer revealed the good news to the U.K. paper The Daily Telegraph. “I just finished high school. I passed my test — I’m free! It was hard doing school and work every day,” he revealed.

The fact that Bieber made the effort to fit in his schooling is fairly impressive. His girlfriend, Selena Gomez, also made time in between her hit TV show, busy touring schedule and film career to graduate from high school in 2010. But there are dozens of young stars in Hollywood, such as Beyonce, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, who didn’t finish school once their careers took off.

And although he’s done now, finishing school wasn’t his highest priority. “[Graduating] was something my mom really wanted me to do, so I had to do it for her,” he admitted, adding that he’s more a fan of the school of life. “I mean, this kind of lifestyle has given me a different perspective on life. I’ve been able to travel the world. At school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. I’m not really into that stuff. I like to be out there.”

“I’m not really into” reading and writing. That’s what Justin Bieber just said.

But really, I’m proud that Justin Bieber finished high school. It’s an important accomplishment, and he must have worked extra hard to do all the work and write songs about crazy girls who started paternity scandals for you and hanging out on the beach with your girlfriend. But really again, Justin finished right on time, and that’s kind of impressive, right? And I can’t even blame him for not wanting to go to college. College just isn’t for some people, and I’m thinking that insanely rich 18-year-old boys with fancy cars, cute girlfriends, and absolute dream jobs are those sort of people.

Also, look at that picture of Justin up there. Does anyone else think he looks like a really, really pretty woman? Because I’m thinking he looks like an absolutely gorgeous woman. Is it ever a thing to develop a girl crush on a feminine looking boy? Is he wearing lip gloss? So many questions. So much gorgeous.

May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily

1Justin Bieber’s ‘Boyfriend’ Video is Here

You know, it just does not matter to me, no matter how old Justin Bieber gets, he’s always going to be that whiny, weird, floppy-haired little kid singing “Baby, baby, baby oh baby,” and that’s just not hot. Neither is this video. And did he really say, “Say hello to falsetto”? Because that’s the cheesiest thing since Velveeta. Even though, you know, Velveeta’s not, like, real cheese. And the “rapping” really kills me. Seriously. I’m dead over here.

All I know is that I’m super, super glad that I’m not a young girl growing up in 2012. Because while my generation had to deal with the likes of *N Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and Hanson, that’s way better than experiencing little Justin Bieber and his crap-bag music at such a tender young age. I just can’t imagine how I would have turned out otherwise. I guess when you’re so busy “changing the world of music,” small, insignificant things (like musical quality) tend to slip through the cracks. I get it—it happens.

Are you guys thrilled over ‘Boyfriend’? For those of you who waited for it anxiously, is it everything you ever dreamed and more? And last, can we finally, now, stop talking about Justin Bieber since it’s pretty clear that the music isn’t going to change? Ever?

May 4, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

5Justin Bieber’s Fans Have Named His Penis

I don’t know how this happened, and I don’t understand it. I don’t get why fans would feel the need to name a celebrity’s penis, or why fans feel the need to name the penis belonging to Justin Bieber, specifically. I mean, have any of you ever even considered the fact that Justin Bieber probably has a penis? No, because it’s weird, right? It’s weird and creepy and it’s baffling, it really is.

But regardless of how creepy it is – which, just in case you’re still wondering, it’s really, really creepy – here are the facts: sometime within the past week or so, Justin Bieber’s penis was christened. It became a trending topic on Twitter, and when a London DJ asked the Beliebers if they had any questions they wanted him to ask The Biebz when he interviewed him next, a lot of the questions were about Justin’s … uh … manhood.

Which, by the way, is named Jerry.

From the Huffington Post:

Justin Bieber’s crazy fans have given his penis a nickname — Jerry — and it’s been trending on Twitter all week. We were under the impression that the majority of Bieber’s fans were under the age of 14, so we’re kind of creeped out.

In preparation for his interview with Bieber, London DJ James Barr took to Twitter to ask fans for questions, and one wanted to know how Jerry was enjoying the U.K.

The confused DJ asked “who is Jerry?” only to learn it’s the nickname fans bestowed on Biebs’ manhood. Naturally, in his interview with Bieber, Barr had to know if the 18-year-old old pop star was embarrassed.

“My fans are a little inappropriate,” Bieber told Barr, as a smirk spread across his face. “It’s funny. My fans are kind of inappropriate.”

Why did the Beliebers choose the name Jerry? Bieber has no idea either. “I don’t know, it’s just what they named it,” he said. “Jerry seems kind of like … ‘My name is Jerry…’”

Jerry. Really, Jerry? Justin’s right, it is sort of bland. I’m sure the Beliebers have some crazy reason for it though, one that I probably don’t want to hear because it’s too creepy to fathom. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Here’s a few things that pop up on Twitter when you put in a simple search for Jerry:

Me: mom I’d treat jerry really good ;) Mom: WOW Me: do you know who that is? Mom: Justin’s WEEWEE me: OH MY GOSH MOM mom: owww ow

Imagine Justin coming online and seeing ”We Want Jerry Inside Of Us” trending. LMFAO. I’D LOVE TO SEE HIS FACE.

First Justin gives a guy his iPad cover because he said he liked it now he gives a fan his shoes. Hey Justin, i like Jerry, can i have it?

I bet Jerry looks like the Empire State Building whenever Justin’s reading all these perverted tweets.

*20 years from now* Son: Mom, why’d name me jerry? You: … Justin: She loves jerry so much that’s why.

And just in case that wasn’t awkward enough for you, here’s the video of the interview so you can actually see Justin talk about his genitals:

Well, I think we’ve reached our quota of uncomfortable stories for the week, don’t you?

April 26, 2012 at 9:30 am by Emily

2Justin Bieber Wrote a Song About Mariah Yeater

… Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ‘Billie Jean’ as it is. It’s a new concept that crazed fans claim to have babies by their inspirational idols. Gah.

From Billboard:

[On April 23] in London [Bieber] told journalists that there would be a song about the [Mariah Yeater] situation on his upcoming June 19 album, “Believe.”

“There’s a song about that girl — Mariah Yeater — that said she was gonna have my baby,” said Bieber, as reported by several U.K. publications. “There are songs about things I’m going through. I wrote songs about different situations.”

Two days earlier, during his Saturday “#RandomTwitterHour,” Bieber posted, “Dear mariah yeeter… we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say…” with a link to a clip of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat character repeating “You will never get this.”

Bieber has previously said that his new album would “address the past and rumors,” and that he would be “clearing it all up in the music.”

The song about Yeater will not necessarily be on Bieber’s new album, the BBC reports. “We’ve recorded like 40 songs,” the teen superstar said Monday. “Every song has a piece of me, it’s hard to pick. I wrote almost all of them or co-wrote them.”

OK, so I guess Mariah Yeater wins, then. I mean, how many disturbed young women can say that they inspired a song to be written by theirs truly, Justin Bieber? How many chicks can say that they’re the modern day Billie Jean? How many young ladies have the weirdest f-cking torso I’ve ever seen? JUST ONE, GUYS. And her name is Mariah Yeater. Congratulations, girl. You’re forever going to be in the books for bat-shittiest Bieber fan of all time.

April 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah

4Justin Bieber is Opening a Whole Can of Worms by Talking to Mariah Yeater Again

Remember the chick that Justin Bieber supposedly sexed up and made a baby with? Mariah Yeater, she of the unstable tendencies and weird torso? Well Justin Bieber apparently can’t forget about girlfriend even if he didn’t knock her up, and he’s sending her messages via Twitter. From Justin Bieber’s own:

Dear mariah yeeter…we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say…

And you know what followed? This:

Dear heavens. If that doesn’t stir up an entire nest of crazy for poor old Mariah Yeater, then hell. I don’t know what will.

Image courtesy of Starz Uncut

April 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm by Sarah

0Justin Bieber Releases Teaser #3 for ‘Boyfriend’ Video

I know: you’re thinking, “Really, Sarah? Eleven whole hours since the site’s last post and there’s nothing better to talk about than Justin Bieber and his stupid video?” to which I’d answer, “Yes.”

This is Bieber‘s teaser-trailer for his new single, ‘Boyfriend’, which you probably heard first here earlier last week.

The thing that I really want to talk about, though, is not the teaser, because I’m sorry, I just can’t get myself all hyped up over Justin Bieber standing in the moonlight like he’s some kind of modern-day Michael Jackson. First, it’s too early in the day. Second, it’s too early to be looking for the “next” Michael Jackson. I’m still reeling from the real Michael Jackson‘s death, and that was almost three years ago. Let’s let sleeping dogs lie, OK? No, the thing that I want to talk about is the obsession that his fans have over him, so much so to the point where they post comments like this in the YouTube forum where I ripped this video from. Here’s the number one-ranked comment (out of approximately 7,006 comments, which are probably more even by now):

HOOOTTTTTT ;)
Mom: What the f-ck? was that?
Me : That was Justin Bieber Boyfriend video teaser 3#. Did u like it?
Mom: WHAATTT?!?! Did I like it.. I’m Believer now !
me: Lets to the believer dance :D

Does it get better than that? Well yes, it does. Little Justin himself claims that the new album, ‘Believe’, has a lot more rap on it (probably courtesy of his rapping alter-ego, “Shawty Mane,” and I want to kill myself for even having typed that – twice in a year is way, way too much). From MTV:

When Justin Bieber dropped “Boyfriend,” he definitely channeled his rapper alter ego Shawty Mane on the verses, spewing lyrics like, “If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go/ I can take you places you ain’t never been before/ Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know/ I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow/ Swag swag swag, on you.”

The song now has many fans wondering whether more rapping will appear on his upcoming album, Believe. When MTV News caught up with the teen star on the set of his “Boyfriend” video, he shared just how much rapping will make the final cut.

“There’s not a lot of rapping on the album,” he said. “As people know, I’m a singer, and I don’t want to get people confused with that, but it’s something that I love to do, so you guys will definitely hear more of it.”

So, what ruined your day the most – the fact that the video’s still not quite here, the fact that YouTube commenters are … well, they’re scary, or that there’s not a lot of rapping on the album, but – oh! light at the end of the tunnel – you’ll still hear “more of it” down the road? I know I’m throwing a lot of different things at you guys first thing in the morning, but when it comes to Justin Bieber, I just know that there’s nothing we can’t handle together.

April 11, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah