Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts Has No Sense of Humor. Gee, Really?

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Per usual, Julia Robert’s hook nose is out of joint about something that the rest of the world probably finds (if not mildly amusing) totally innocent.  Julia “I’ll Take Your Husband Off Your Hands” Roberts has taken task with Julia Stiles — her costar in Mona Lisa Smile — for participating in a spoof video that makes fun of eco-conscious celebs.  

Julia Roberts – a famously eco-conscious mother of three who uses flushable diapers, drove a Toyota Prius and even helped invent a “green” household cleaner – isn’t laughing at her former Mona Lisa Smile’s co-star’s joke.

“While Julia thinks Julia Stiles’ heart is in the right place, she shouldn’t make fun of others who are trying to help the environment,” said the source.

“Julia thinks her former co-star would be better off directing her humor at people who are trying to destroy the planet… not those helping it!”

Normally, I don’t put much stock in National Enquirer print articles, but this is Julia Roberts we’re talking about.  This is Julia Roberts we’re talking about — I believe every. single. word.

Hey, Julia — instead of destroying people’s marriages, why don’t you try to find single men to impose your sanctimony upon?

My “Eat, Pray, Love” Nightmare Continues

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Julia Roberts insists on continuing to star in the film version of Eat, Pray, Love and has not yet been replaced by Rachel McAdams, despite the many phone calls I have made to the studio. (And contrary to what the harassment suit would like you to think, the phone calls were not threatening, they were helpful.)

Here’s Julia ruining a perfectly good movie in Rome today, on the Piazza.

It’s Actually Happening: Julia Roberts Begins Filming “Eat, Pray, Love”

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Listen, I don’t harbor Wendie’s all-consuming hatred for Julia Roberts, but Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite books ever, and I’d never pictured Julia Roberts in the lead role. I was thinking of someone younger, someone more playful, more malleable. Maybe a Kate Hudson or a Rachel McAdams or a Charlize Theron. Definitely not Julia Roberts.

It occurs to me that what I’m doing here is exactly what sometimes bothers me about my own readership — I found a book that I love, that I relate to, that speaks to me, and of course now I want the main character to be exactly like me, and I’m upset that she might not be. It’s something I see in the (fabulous!) hate/complaint emails I get from my own readers. I read why they’re upset, and then it occurs to me that, mostly, they’re disappointed because I’ve said or done something that makes me less similar to them. This is what I’m doing here. I’m disappointed, because I wanted Elizabeth Gilbert to be just like me, and that’s not how Julia Roberts is going to play her.

Anyway. The bright side? Javier Bardem is going to play Felipe. SWOON! I hope he’s all like “HEADS OR TAILS LIZ???” and then shoots Julia Roberts in the head.

The Wedding Is Off!

Bradley Cooper

It’s time for me to say “Goodbye” to my fiance, Bradley Cooper.  I could handle the “dates” he had with Jennifer Aniston and Renee Zellweger.  I found a way (denial) to handle the gay rumors.  But now, he has gone and betrayed me in the worst and most unspeakable way possible.  He is forever tainted.

Here are some pictures of Bradley on the movie set of his upcoming flick, Valentine’s Day.  Pictures of him and … Julia.  Roberts.  What’s next, Bradley?  A cameo on Mischa Barton’s soon-to-be-released, soon-to-be-cancelled Beautiful Life?  You break my heart.

Julia Roberts: Runaway Mouth

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So Beet emails me today and says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Do you want to cover this Julia Roberts story?  I know you have issues with her.”  Isn’t she the politest Managing Editor yet?  What she really means is that I have a completely irrational, illogical and completely inappropriate level of hatred for eighty percent of Hollywood including Julia Roberts.

In my defense, I don’t hate for the sake of hate.  Julia Roberts is a trout-mouthed homewrecker.  And not just a homewrecker, because everyone makes mistakes, but also just a general biznacho.  As expected, she was a study in grace and poise last night as she participated in a tribute to Tom Hanks at the Lincoln Center in New York City.  It went something like this:

“Alright well, it’s late and I’m paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee.  So Tom, everybody f—–g likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson, Hanks' wife], and her t–s were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her a– was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that’s new? Tom Hanks, what the f–k?”

Then she turned her aimless rant to a critique of Tom’s body of work:

“I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn’t even know what the f–k that movie was about!”   [Regarding his movie, The Terminal], “You in the airport with the accent? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn’t know. I love you, and I didn’t know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same f—–g dress tonight as your publicist!”

Then she had to wrap it up so she could, you know, go pee:

“Listen, I’ve got to get home. But this much we know … I will say this: Tom Hanks, ‘I love you.’  It’s so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space.  Thank you, whoever just made it light. [Lost creator] J.J. Abrams, are you here?”

I think that this is a good time for me to reiterate that this was a tribute, not a roast.  Isn’t Julia the classiest and most sober broad ever?

Update: Beet here, interrupting Wendie and her “issues.” :) We have the vid now:

Entertainment Blogger Screws Over Company And More Evidence That Julia Roberts Is A Total Bitch

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Roger Friedman is a long-time Fox News entertainment blogger, and according to the parent company of Fox News and 20th Century Fox, he’s out of a job today.

It all started Thursday, when Friedman wrote a review of the not-yet-released, 20th Century Fox production, X-Men Origins:  Wolverine. An illegal copy was leaked to the internet; a disaster that could cost the studio “millions in box office receipts.”  The studio was quick to respond, distancing itself from its sister company, Fox News:

“We’ve just been made aware that Roger Friedman, a freelance columnist who writes Fox 411 on Foxnews.com — an entirely separate company from 20th Century Fox — watched on the Internet and reviewed a stolen and unfinished version of ‘X-Men Organs: Wolverine.’ This behavior is reprehensible and we condemn this act categorically — whether the review is good or bad.”

So, yeah.  Screwing over your own company will get you fired (even though, as of now, Friedman claims that he has not been terminated.)  End of story.  But this dude has been on my radar for awhile now, because of something that actually happened a couple of weeks ago.

Everyone jumps on me for my distaste towards America’s Sweetheart Homewrecker, but here is more evidence that she just is not a nice person.  On March 16th, Friedman attended the premier of Julia Robert’s flop movie, Duplicity.  He approached her, asking for a comment and she was beyond an ignorant bitch.

Once, Warren Beatty, whom I do consider the smartest guy in Hollywood, told me: “The biggest mistake you can make is to think no one’s reading what you write.”

But that’s Warren, he’s in a different league, and he knows everything going on around him.

Not so Julia Roberts, apparently. Mother now of three kids, she probably doesn’t have the time to read anything. She certainly doesn’t read this column. When she saw me last night at the premiere of her sleek new thriller, “Duplicity,” Roberts didn’t hesitate to cut me dead. She was rude, downright nasty, and dismissive. She snubbed me in front of other people to make her point, and later cut in between me and director Tony Gilroy to make her point. Her behavior was unexpected and chilling.

So what was the problem? Her officious publicist, Marcy Engelman, said: “She knows you broke the embargo on her play and wrote bad things about her.”

Indeed, a top agent at the party said, “Julia said, ‘that’s the man who writes bad things about me.’”

Not only is Julia Roberts a little fucking crybaby, she’s a little fucking uninformed crybaby.  The play that Marcy Engelman is referring to is Roberts’ 2006 Broadway debut, Three Days of Rain.  You may remember this as the production in which Julia Roberts was universally panned.  Would you like to see the review that this bastard Roger Friedman wrote?

As for Julia: She was very good on Saturday afternoon. We heard her clearly in the last row. She has a strong stage presence and I suspect it will just get better and better as she warms up for opening night. She is funny and charming when appropriate, somber and grim with conviction too. She has all her lines digested and you cannot take your eyes off of her. She actually injects some life into that first-act character with some real Roberts sarcasm. It’s most welcome. In the second act, though, she combines her best riffs from her performances in “Steel Magnolias” and “Ready to Wear,” among others.

And she does not look thin, gaunt or unhappy. Quite to the contrary, she has a supple energy. Our audience went wild for her, with a standing ovation and cheering. So there.

As our usher said, she’s already very good and by opening night, pow!

So retract those claws, kitties. And get ready. No, she’s not Cherry Jones or Phylicia Rashad — yet. But she’s a movie star and can act circles around anyone, and she’s going to be a sensation in the papers on the morning of April 20.

My guess is this will open the door for her to alternate doing plays and movies, and that can only be a good thing.

I feel bad that Roger Friedman was so stupid as to not only admit to watching a bootleg copy of a movie produced by his own employer, but that he thought it prudent to publish a review for it as well.  But I love and adore him for exposing Julia Roberts for the vindictive little wench that I’ve always known was lurking behind that flounder face.

Julia Robert’s Movie Didn’t Do So Well. Julia Robert’s Movie Didn’t Do So Well.

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Get it?  Do you get it?  I’m saying everything twice because Julia’s movie, Duplicity, tanked on its opening weekend.  Sigh…I make me laugh.

Here’s the deal:  Duplicity is probably a pretty good movie; it pulled in $14.4M.  But it’s where society is at right now.  We want senseless crap that requires as little processing as possible.  I think Dr. Phil calls the food version of this phenomenon Low Response Cost…vittles that you can mindlessly ingest.  Therefore, Duplicity was trumped by the #2 bromance flick, I Love You, Man which saw $18M in ticket sales.

Knowing was the number one movie of the weekend, pulling in $24.8M.  This film has to do with astrophysics and catastrophe avoidance.  Fuck, there goes that whole mindless fun theory.  Disproved once again.

Regardless of the reasons for Julia’s decline, what I really can never forgive or forget is Huffington Post’s headline regarding this week’s box office receipts:  Cage Creams Bromance And Julia Roberts.

Gross.  Gross.

1. “Knowing,” $24.8 million.

2. “I Love You, Man,” $18 million.

3. “Duplicity,” $14.4 million.

4. “Race to Witch Mountain,” $13 million.

5. “Watchmen,” $6.7 million.

6. “The Last House on the Left,” $5.9 million.

7. “Taken,” $4.1 million.

8. “Slumdog Millionaire,” $2.7 million.

9. “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail,” $2.5 million.

10. “Coraline,” $2.1 million.