Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jon Gosselin

Jon Gosselin Continues His Tour of Teenage Behavior

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The video isn’t embeddable, but you must click this link to watch Jon Gosselin do an exclusive interview with ABC Wednesday night. About Hailey Glassman, he says “I love her more than I did Kate.” He says Hailey gives him the respect and encouragement “that a man needs,” which was obviously absent in his relationship with Kate, and then he harps on about how you can’t choose who you love.

I don’t necessarily disagree with the statements he’s making, but, in the way he delivers those statements, he manages to sound entirely like a 12-year-old boy pleading his case to a teacher who flunked him because he didn’t do any of the homework all year. He’s desperate and unsure of himself and self-centered and the dog ate his homework and he loves the dog soooo much; he may even love the dog more than algebra. And why doesn’t anyone understand how hard it is for him to have a dog who eats his homework every goddamn day? Life is so unfair. The world needs to know how unfair his life is.

Kate’s response statement:

“For the sake of my children I maintain that I’m not going to go into details of aspects I believe should remain private.”

TEAM KATE.

Regis Was Wrong

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A couple of weeks ago, Regis suggested to Kate Gosselin that he believed reconciliation was on the horizon.  She just stared blankly and they mercifully cut to commercial.  Lest any of you are holding out hope, Jon Gosselin is crystal clear on the possibility of a Jon & Kate Plus 8: Together Again in a new Good Morning America interview (it airs tomorrow).

“Our relationship will never be fixed,” he tells ABC News’ Chris Cuomo. “… I don’t trust her anymore. I was abused … I was beaten down … I’m not going back to that life style.”

“She knows the truth,” he says. “I wish to God, she would speak from emotions … She’s not speaking from the heart. Please — the stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV.”

Oh, yes.  I think “The stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV” should be worked into traditional wedding vows for everyone.  Jon Gosselin has lost all ability to edit and I’m really enjoying watching from the sidelines.  He’s like the kid who was raised in a strict Mormon household and then leaves home and moves to Manhattan.  He’s drunk with self-empowerment and personal freedom.

The breaking point in the marriage, according to Jon, came when he wanted to go out with his friends.  In case you didn’t know, I had a very similar fight in one of my own relationships.  When I was 14.

“In 10 years, I’ve never gone out … When she said, ‘I don’t want you going out,’ I … I used to say, ‘OK, I’m not going to go out.’ I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ‘You know what? I want to see my friends. I’m going out,’” he says. “That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate … I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision … I was beaten down for so long, I couldn’t even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what’s she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously. You know.”

At this point, Jon is spending time reconnecting with his family — his family that all obviously hated Kate.  “My mom and my brothers, they say to me, ‘It’s so good to have the real Jon back. It’s so good to have the warm, loving, kind, caring person that we knew you when you were … before you got married.’  I’ve changed for her. Because I loved her … But don’t forget who you are. That’s what happened to me.”  Yeah, I’m sure his folks said that to him.  “We’re so glad you’re back Jon.  We’re so happy you decided to quit marriage to the mother of your eight children and hook up with young twenty-somethings everywhere, all whilst wearing skull and rose t-shirts.”

Jon also griped about his $22,000 therapy bill — I can’t believe TLC hasn’t taken care of that — and hopes that Kate gets help for her issues.

“I learned about myself. If she’s not going to therapy, she’s not going to fix herself, then it’s not going to work. It takes two people,” he says. “I have a $22,000 therapy bill. I mean, I tried to have marriage counseling. I did it myself. She refused to go.”

Reflecting on his failed marriage, Jon says, “I felt maybe I was too passive. Maybe I didn’t stand my grounds 10 years ago — even to stick up for my kids. But it’s gone. I can’t get that back.”

“I don’t cry, I cried at my dad’s funeral. That’s it,” he says, “but like, I’ve cried more now in the last, like, eight months than … my whole entire life.”

What does Jon want to say to viewers?

“I just want to let the world know that I’m a real person with feelings,” he says. “OK, I’ve made mistakes. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go out to the clubs. But we all learn from mistakes, except mine are public.”

You know what, dude?  Your mistakes are public because every time you fuck another sorority girl and then justify it, you call your agent to set up an interview.  I’m sure a lot of what you said is true and I’m sure Kate has plenty of negative she could say about you.  She’s doing this controlled, pursed lips, politically correct thing and you’re giving away all the fodder that could be bound into a 99-cent bargain bin paperback.  I’m sick of the whole fucking lot of Gosselins.  Team Jon & Kate Evaporate!

Jon Gosselin Says Kate Abused Him

We already discussed that Whitney was on GMA today, but one of our old EB faves was also on the show. Jon Gosselin took to the hot seat to answer some questions about his divorce from Kate and with his usual mouth full of marbles, he told Chris Cuomo that despite all of his hard work, Kate’s busy book tour schedule and her “abuse” is what drove the two apart. He makes his ex out to be a control freak bitch who left him at home to watch after their children. Ah, such a victim.

Let’s get something straight: These people are living a lifestyle that’s afforded to them because Kate pumped out sextuplets after already having twins and to many, that is an interesting story. I’m sure, when faced with the option, more people would rather talk to the mother that housed these children in her body than the father. That’s just how these things work. For Jon to take issue with the fact that he’s not making money off the extremely rare conditions that his children were born under the way he wants to, that’s just pig-headed and selfish. While another man would be proud of his wife and the way that they’ve both capitalized on this natural circumstance together, Jon Gosselin takes it as abuse. And he’s really gotten his way now, hasn’t he? Now Kate is always at home with the children and he’s gallivanting around the world with hideously tacky and unsavory people. He sure got her!

You know, I’m thinking that a 22 year old girlfriend may be exactly what he’s mentally capable of handling.

Beach Blanket Bimbo

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I don’t know how much more I can take, but Jon Gosselin hosted a Las Vegas pool party this weekend and I thought you should know.  The promoters of this party probably paid valid U.S. currency for this cheeseball to appear.  Money.  Though I’m sure, with a little negotiation, he probably would have agreed to be paid in cases of Magnum XLs and a lifetime supply of street vendor pretzels.

I put a few more pics of JG in the gallery because I know we have some Jonophiles around these parts.  Please take special note of the girl who has angel wings tattooed directly above her twat.  I’m staking claim right now and calling her the next Mrs. Jon Gosselin.

Lookin’ Good, Kate!

Kate Gosselin was on Larry King tonight looking gorgeous (not exactly well-rested, but calm and beautiful) and basically doing exactly what she’s been doing for months now — looking like the way better parent. However, she doesn’t straight-up come out and diss Jon — she says he’s a good father, but they differ on the actions he’s taking right now. Very nice, Miz Gosselin.

Also — say what you will about Larry King, the man’s a brilliant interviewer.

I Blew Out The Candles … And My Wish Came True

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Last Saturday was my birthday.  Incidentally, thank you for the onslaught of well-wishes that many of you sent me through email, Twitter, and Facebook.  My husband made gluten-free cupcakes and family gathered ’round.  I hemmed and I hawed and couldn’t decide what my birthday wish should be.  My kids are healthy and happy, my spouse is great, I love what I do.  So I wished for the only logical thing:  That Jon Gosselin would finally fall off into the pit of obscurity.  Apparently, it was a powerful candle-blow, because that exact thing might be happening.

It could be a pre-emptive strike if TLC is going to fire him for violating the morals clause in his contract, but Gosselin told Us “I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I’m living. This is 24/7.  I don’t even want to do taping for the show anymore.”

Sadly, Jon has no escape unless he can find an IT company that’s willing to a) allow him to wear Ed Hardy t-shirts to the office and b) pay him $75,000 a week to manage their network.  “I have two houses and eight children to take care of and I need to work.”

So, I know the economy is tough, but are there any takers?  Really, you’d be getting an adequate computer dude and you’d probably become the most beloved corporation in all of America if you would just hire Jon Gosselin.  Take him off our hands, please!

When you think about it, isn’t it sad that the Gosselins get paid a huge sum of money — and need to keep doing it to pay for their house — to do what the rest of us do for free and off-camera?  Parent.

Maybe That Divorced Dads Pilot Didn’t Get Picked Up?

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Jon Gosselin has opened up a lemonade stand to help supplement his income.  Sure, the paps are reporting it as Jon participating in a fundraiser in hopes of keeping the local volunteer fire station open (and if that’s even true, I’m sure they were filming it for a J&K+8 episode), but I think we know the truth.  Speaking of truth …

Jon seems to be trying to communicate something via his shirt.  “Lies.”  I’m getting all Carnac the Magnificent on your ass — if the answer is “Lies” what is the question?  Some possibilities:

1)  What am I really good at telling?

2)  What, in my opinion, was the basis of my marriage to Kate?

3)  How do I keep my two young and blond girlfriends happy?

4)  How will I keep my kids from hating me when they get older and read all about me?