0Things Are Getting Serious Between John Mayer and Katy Perry

From the Gossip Center:

Reuniting again after a well-known break-up, Katy Perry and John Mayer have reportedly been spotted cozying up around Tinseltown.

On Saturday (November 10), the on-again couple attended a party at St. Felix in Hollywood to celebrate the birthdays of Hello Giggles blogger Sophia Rossi and “New Girl” co-creator Liz Meriwether. At the bash, the “Wide Awake” singer and her 35-year-old beau looked “so affectionate,” according to an Us Weekly source.

The insider noted that they looked to be “full on dating” and continued, “John had his hand on Katy’s back a lot, and they were kissing and holding hands.”

Ugh, ugh, and ugh. Can these two get more pathetic? Wait, let me rephrase that: can Katy Perry get more pathetic? Because we all know just how pathetic John Mayer is, and how he pretty much can’t get any lower no matter HOW many A-list starlets he ends up bagging, so I’m putting the whole thing on Katy Perry now. This is all her fault, and any silliness that ensures from here on out, she is *totally* asking for, because I’m sorry. But John Mayer is like the Homer Simpson of celebrities, belches, ass-gas and all.

Gross.

November 14, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

1TMI: Katy Perry and John Mayer Have Annoyingly-Loud Sex

From Hollywood Life:

Katy Perry apparently had trouble satisfying Russell Brand’s wild sexual urges, but John Mayer certainly isn’t complaining! Instead, it’s Katy’s West Hollywood neighbors who are complaining, as the couple like to “have very loud sex, keep very late hours and like to turn up the tunes.”

Oh my God—seriously an image I did not need in my head an hour before dinner. John Mayer? Bumping Katy Perry’s ugly with his own ugly? And being loud about it? Sheesh. It’s like an appetite suppressant and birth control all in one shot.

Also, so I used to have this friend who’d, like, have sex with guys and from the time that the pumping started ’til the time that the pumping stopped, she’d make a noise that … God. I don’t even really know what you’d call it. It wasn’t exactly a bleating noise, nor was it a wailing noise, it was … oh! It was this!:

Also, if you ask how I know this, it’s because my friend liked to have sex in the other room. It wouldn’t matter what other room, per se, as long as the room in question was adjacent to a room where people were partying, or studying, or trying to make a really difficult soufflé, because yes, that used to happen, too.

But that’s what I would imagine Katy Perry‘s like in the sack. She’s probably all flailing arms and “Eee! Eee! Eee!”

October 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

17Oh Boy, Aren’t Katy Perry and John Mayer Just the Cutest?

No. The answer to that question now and forever is certainly, unequivocally ‘no’. And that will never change no matter how many Seal-and-Heidi-Klum-like Halloween costumes they put on throughout the years of their unhealthy relationship. No.

This is what Katy Perry and John Mayer wore to a Halloween-themed birthday bash for Katy herself, who’ll turn twenty-five a little bit later this week. Other celebrities in attendance included Kristen Stewart, Matt Dallas (who is an Actor), and Shannon Woodward, who’s on ‘Raising Hope’. In case you were curious as to what Katy and John were pretending to be, however, John was a vampire hunter and Katy, his seductress of a vampire prisoner.

Don’t go rushing out to buy girlfriend a gift, though, guys—this is what Katy wants you to do:

“Transcendental meditation changed my life. For my birthday I would love to pay it forward. In lieu of gifts, donate (to the David Lynch Foundation)… Your donation is not only special to me, but to all of the people whose lives you will help through the lifelong gift of meditation.”

Must be a big week for obnoxious pains-in-the-ass to have birthdays. Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian … are we sure Kanye West and Taylor Swift don’t have birthdays coming up in the next few days, too? F-cking cheeseballs.

October 22, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

0Here’s Some More Photos of Katy Perry and John Mayer Because They’re Still So in Love

And doesn’t Katy just look so proud to be out and about with the dude who she begs to stay with her every two weeks on the dot? Gosh. Young love, you know? Except that it’s not all that young, because Katy’s twenty-eight and John‘s thirty-five, as of the day before yesterday. No, we can’t blame silly naivete for John and Katy’s boomerang relationship, but I think we *can* blame the fact that they’re both supreme asshats on the fact that they just can’t keep it together.

I mean, honestly. Can you imagine being Facebook friends with either one of these people? Changing their status from “in a relationship with …” to “single” to “it’s complicated” all within the same month? I can’t stand that kind of garbage on Facebook as it is, so to have to endure it on a regular basis because technology gives us new and improved ways to be completely self-absorbed, obnoxious attention-seekers? I’ll clue you in on a little secret, guys—John Mayer? He likes boobs. Katy Perry? She likes drama. Could there be a better pairing, taking that very valuable information into consideration? I hardly think so.

October 18, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah

3Katy Perry and John Mayer Are Back Together Again Again

This is a photo Katy Perry and John Mayer, taken on Sunday evening. They’re in New York, and John Mayer was seen opening doors for her. Since it’s probably not all that common for exes to go on cross country trips together, and since every dude friend I’ve ever had would rather watch a door hit me in the face rather than hold it for me, I’m assuming that this means they’re back together. Again.

In case any of you are new here, this is the third time these two have gotten together. They started dating, John dumped Katy in an email, they got back together, then they broke up again because John couldn’t keep it in his pants. And that brings us up to date. Johnty Mayerry*: on again.

Honestly, this whole thing is just a big ol’ sad mess. Not because of the relationship itself – that’s just gross – but because Katy obviously doesn’t have one of those brutally honest friends to tell her to just stop. You know, that friend who just goes “girl, no” whenever you try to justify your dumb actions. Katy needs that friend so badly.

*Obviously not my strongest work, but it made me giggle. Have any of you guys tried those caffeine pills? I just took one of those caffeine pills.

October 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily

2John Mayer Dumped Katy Perry a Second Time

Well, no, that’s allegedly not exactly what happened, but it’s what I’m betting happened. Come on, Katy begged John to take her back the first time he dumped her, so who’s to say that John didn’t kick her ass to the curb again? Here’s the thing—if you’re a dick like John Mayer, this is how it goes: once you gain that upper hand in a relationship, and it’s plain as the nose on your face that the other person in the relationship is way into it more than you are, it’s a f-cking game. It’s a “keep you around ’til something better comes my way,” and it’s probably what John Mayer lives by.

Sources are saying that Katy dumped John, but let’s be real—John has no friends (or, let’s be honest, “friends”) to speak of, therefore he’s got no one to leak statements to the media. He does the shit himself, and this time around, I don’t think he could be bothered to care. Katy, on the other hand? Doubtless she wants to look the fool a second time, so her people are probably working overtime to leak the right statements to the right outlets. Here’s the unofficial version of what happened:

“John just can’t commit, and he kept luring Katy back with promises that was going to change, but then he didn’t. Katy was pretty crazy about him, so she kept giving him another chance. John liked Katy, so he wanted to keep her in his life, but it just wasn’t up to Katy’s standards. She needs the guy to be on board 100 percent and she was sick of John disappearing for five days at a time, then booty calling her, then straightening up and treating her well, only to go back to his old behavior a few days later.”

And, honestly speaking, I just don’t see this being legit. I see Katy hoping that John would change his ways (because all that up there about him sounds spot-on), and when he didn’t, she got sad. And sad Katy is probably not all that much fun in the sack, and isn’t that what John is all about anyway? This is the dude that wrote ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ ffs, not ‘You’re No Fun in the Sack, But I’m With You ‘Til the End of Time Anyway’.

Who ended it, guys?

October 8, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah