Today's Evil Beet Gossip
John Mayer

John Mayer Still, Like, Totally Loves Katy Perry

katy perry john mayer douche

John Mayer is the worst ever of anything. Katy Perry deserves better. ANYONE deserves better. They broke up but apparently Mr. Mayer still loves her, or whatever.

According to E Online,

“John still very much loves her and has feelings for her,” a well-placed source exclusively tells E! News. “It was just going to be too much with what was on his plate.”

Yeah, okay, sure.

Rumor also has it that Ms. Perry would consider getting back together with him if he got his shit back together with himself.

NO. THIS NEEDS TO END. NOW. FOREVER.

If we all ignore John Mayer, maybe he’ll go away. I don’t even care about his music; I’m coming at this from a human standpoint. We don’t need John Mayer fucking with anyone anymore.

Am I totally off on this?

John Mayer Confirms What We Know But Didn’t Care About: He Broke Up With Katy Perry

katy perry john mayer

John Mayer doesn’t really know the meaning of the word “dignity”, so he had no problem navel-gazing about relationships on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week (while simultaneously yammering on about what a private and personal thing it all is, naturally). The long and short of it is this, though: he’s no longer with Katy Perry and is continuing his “journey” to douchebagdom all by his lonesome.

“It was a very private relationship going in. It was a private relationship during, and it’s a private relationship still.”

“I can understand asking the question [about our split] based on some previous answers I have given, but I have finally learned how to put the wall between one thing and the other.

“I’ve been much happier since then. I’m on the same journey as everyone else. Coupling is a tricky thing. It’s a tricky thing. I want everyone to be happy.”

Aw, well isn’t that sweet – John just wants everyone to be happy! He should be pleased to know that Katy herself is so happy, she’s sworn off men altogether after dating him. This dude is so egotistical that he thinks people are asking him about the split because of things he himself as said, rather than, you know, because there are reports all over the media that they’ve split. Ah, the ego. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

Katy Perry’s Still Done With Men… Unless John Mayer Wants to Get Back Together, Or Whatever

john mayer katy perry

Katy Perry and John Mayer were never going to last very long, and that’s just fine – he was a nice rebound for her after splitting from Russell Brand and that dude from Florence + The Machine‘s band and she was… I’m not sure what for him. In any case, they both cut their losses earlier this month and split and Katy decided to leave relationships alone for a while, and she still will… so long as Johnny Boy doesn’t want to get back together for some raunchy make up sex or whatever the hell these two did together.

From Heat (via DigitalSpy):

“There’s no question that Katy wants to settle down, but right now, she’s not ready to fling herself into another relationship.

“If anything, she’d be open to reconciling with John if he can get his act together.”

Perry’s friends reportedly feel that Mayer “emotionally bailed” on her and that they got together too soon after she broke up with ex-husband Russell Brand.

The insider added: “Katy’s friends feel her expectations may have been too high, and are now wondering if it was all a rebound after Russell.”

No shit, Sherlocks. Is there any other reason to go out with John Mayer? She probably knew he was easy to get really wanted the D that night (and ended up getting stuck with him) or something, I don’t know. The human brain is capable of wondrous, magnificent things, but figuring out what would make any woman want to touch Mayer with a ten foot pole is beyond its capabilities.

Katy Perry and John Mayer Split, An Angel Gets Its Wings

katy perry john mayer

Katy Perry and John Mayer always seemed like a weird ass couple that couldn’t possibly last very long. Turns out, they lasted exactly seven months and now they’re dunzo – despite all those engagement rumours that popped up over that ugly ass Cracker Jack box ring.

From People:

The couple, who had been dating for the past seven months in what was their second chance at love, have again parted ways, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

The split comes less than a month after Perry, 28, was spotted wearing a ruby from Mayer, 35.

They were first linked last summer, less than a year after Perry and Russell Brand divorced. And while Mayer and Perry split briefly last August, they quickly reconciled and embarked on what seemed to be a growing love affair.

While the reasons for the split are unknown, I have a pretty good idea: John Mayer is a world class moron who also makes awful faces when he’s singing his soulful jazz music or whatever the hell he does anymore. I mean, Russell Brand was a bad pick, but at least he had a bit of finesse about it all.

I think Katy should take a break from the bros for a while and stay single… or give me a ring.

Katy Perry Might Be Engaged to John Mayer, But Probably Not

Katy Perry can’t shit without someone speculating whether it means she’s planning to get married again, and the rumours  hit fever pitch again this weekend when she was seen out with boyfriend/professional douchebag John Mayer on Valentine’s Day wearing a heart-shaped ruby ring.

First of all, even Katy – she of whipped cream rocket boobs and glittered cupcake dresses – isn’t tacky enough to have a heart-shaped engagement ring. Second of all, she’s not stupid enough to get married so soon after her divorce from Russell Brand (who described her as “perfect from top to bottom“) and to someone like John Mayer.

Here’s the ring in question, made by Santa Barbara-based jeweller Daniel Gibbings:

That ring looks like it came from a Cracker Jack box, but I bet it was expensive. Let’s all just stop trying to marry Katy Perry off again and let people wear jewellery without it meaning something other than “I really like this piece of jewellery”, okay?

Katy Perry Severs Rihanna Friendship

rihanna katy perry fashion show bff

Katy Perry, despite what most people think, is a smart and thoughtful woman. Instead of hopping on the Welcome Back Chris Brown Express, she’s allegedly letting friends know that she doesn’t approve of Rihanna dating Chris Brown. The lovely Rihanna and the lovely Ms. Perry became friends after sitting together at last year’s Grammy Awards. Look, let’s make something clear: Katy Perry is not victim blaming. She’s not telling Rihanna not to date Chris Brown; she’s recognizing that this is a choice her friend is making and she’s stepping aside. On the other manicured hand, however, there were reports that Rihanna didn’t want to be Katy’s friend because of who Katy is dating, Mr. John Douche-Of-The-Universe-Now-And-Forever Mayer. When asked about it, Rihanna told Rolling Stone,

Katy Perry can date anyone she wants.  Besides, who the f-ck am I to say anything?  I could never given relationship advice to anybody!

Oh my. Was Rihanna taking a dig at herself there?

All we know for sure is that Perry and Mayer sat nowhere near Rihanna and Brown and there was no interaction. We also know that Ms. Perry did not once compliment Chris Brown. And who would do that? Oh, right, someone like you.

Via US Weekly.

Russell Brand Uses Condoms And Will Probably Bang Demi Moore

russell brand demi moore sex

The look of terror: Stern asks Brand if he's made love to Demi Moore.

How do we all feel about Russell Brand? I’ve never been able to come to terms with my own feelings for the man. He seems awful and gross and yet he wrote something quite moving and wonderful about Amy Winehouse after her death. I don’t find him funny but I don’t find him unfunny, either. But if Katy deemed him a worthy chap, then perhaps he is. Although they did wind up divorced. He came to her honor though, refusing to speak ill of her while being interviewed on The Howard Stern Show (Is that STILL a thing?), though Mr. Stern did his damnedest. He “went there” when he asked this:

What do you make of you ex-wife dating John Mayer? It’s like doesn’t she know he’s a worse womanizer than you?

The charming Mr. Stern also added,

No, but seriously, you know I knew from the beginning you’d never stay married.

Wow! Stern and Brand (that sounds like a law firm) went on to discuss Mr. Brand’s love of yoga, which lead him to meeting his friend Demi Moore. Brand insists that they’re not anything more than friends, saying,

I really like her. She’s a beautiful person.

Not quite enough for dear Howard, who persisted,

But you’ve not made love to her yet.

“Made love”? Good heavens, Mr. Stern is quite the proper 1800s gent, isn’t he? To which Russell shouted, “I’VE NOT MADE LOVE TO HER YET.” Good on you, old boy. Stern also accused Brand of not having safe sex, based on how he looks. I can’t really blame Stern there. And Brand, with as good an attitude as ever,

I do use one every time I have carnal relations. You can’t have germs flying about everywhere.

In conclusion, Demi Moore and Russell Brand are absolutely going to contain their germs together.