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John Mayer

2John Mayer Talks Addiction

A photo of John Mayer

… to Twitter! LOL! What, did you think we were going to get into something deeper, like his addiction to poon? Not this early, friends. No, this time, John Mayer is getting into his hardcore Twitter addiction, the one he kicked last September:

“I realized about a year ago that I couldn’t have a complete thought anymore, and I was a tweetaholic,” Mayer said. “I had four million Twitter followers, and I was always writing on it. And I stopped using Twitter as an outlet and I started using Twitter as the instrument to riff on, and it started to make my mind smaller and smaller and smaller. And I couldn’t write a song.”

So I guess John has let enough time pass to get back in touch with himself, and now he wants to make sure that other Twitter addicts know the danger. He wants to spread the gospel, so to speak, of the evils of the Twitter. Great going, John! Now if you could just stop being a total douchebag OFF the internet as well, we might be getting somewhere!

August 7, 2011 at 7:00 am by Emily
Filed Under: John Mayer

2Guess Who John Mayer’s Banging Now?

A photo of John Mayer

Ok, before we get started I just want to make sure you guys know that this story is from Star, so let’s not pretend it’s the gospel truth. Let’s go into this knowing that there is a chance it could be nonsense, but with open minds and open hearts, all right?

It’s Miley Cyrus.  John Mayer is banging Miley Cyrus.  Allegedly.

Here’s Jezebel’s summary of the story from Star magazine:

Miley Cyrus and John Mayer are “Made For Each Other.” Um. What. Apparently they were getting all touchy-feely over Grammys weekend, and she was following him around all night at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party. Backstage at the Grammys, Miley was rubbing John’s back, and when he thought no one was looking, he leaned over and kissed her. “It was quick and intense and a bit shocking, but it also seemed sweet,” an eyewitness claims. ”Afterward, Miley slapped his butt and told him, ‘You rock!’” Running to get a barf bag, brb. Miley has told friends that she believes she can make John a one-woman man, and thinks they are great together because she’s as wild as he is.

Is this not the most plausible tabloid story you’ve ever seen?  I mean, it’s not like John is a stranger to the young, impressionable type, and it’s not like Miley hasn’t hooked up with worse dudes.  I actually think that Miley and John could make a pretty decent couple:  John could buy her the booze she inevitably craves but can’t legally purchase, and Miley could be John’s new ass hat.  It’s a perfect fit for everybody.

February 17, 2011 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: John Mayer, Miley Cyrus

3Love It or Leave It: John Mayer Grows His Hair All Pretty

photo of john mayer with beard long hair pictures

I know that the big thing these days is for men to grow their hair and their beards and what not (my husband is going through the phase right now and I have to say – it’s hot hot hot), but some celebrities – like Tom Brady – don’t look so good. And by ‘don’t look so good,’ I mean they ‘look like a demented serial killer who slicks his hair back with motor oil and has a pretty serious underbite FOR SOME PRETTY SERIOUS BITING.’

I also get the feeling that as John Mayer ages, he’s going to look a lot like Jerry Garcia. And while that is a sad, unfortunate testament to good old Jerry, it’s even worse for John. Why? Because John probably SMELLS the way that good old Jerry does. Like, this very minute as he continues to decompose in his early grave, God rest his soul.

January 12, 2011 at 8:00 am by Sarah
Filed Under: John Mayer

2John Mayer ‘Quits’ Twitter

photo of john mayer eating his phone, john mayer quits twitter

John Mayer’s Twitter account, which has been a point of contention for many people including ex-girlfriends, attractive black women who agree that Mayer is racist, and other groups that just downright despise John Mayer for being John Mayer (oh! Like me!), is officially off.

The douche’s Twitter account had over 3.7 million followers — for some reason that’s probably akin to watching a train filled with puppies derail — but Mayer recently said that he has plans to communicate with fans via his blog instead of tweeting to his heart’s content.

My thoughts?  Oh, yes.  It’s a lie, it’s a sham, it’s a total farce. John Mayer, communicate with fans via anything other than Twitter? Ha!  Nope. He’s gonna start showing up at people’s front doors now. You just wait and see.

And please start with me, John.  I have a giant wad of raw hamburger that I’d love to shove down your throat.

September 14, 2010 at 6:28 am by Sarah
Filed Under: John Mayer, Twitter

34Jessica Simpson’s Pregnant?

picture of jessica simpson looking pregnant

I think Jess would make a good mom.  Really, I do.  She’d be super-awesome at bedtime stories, throwing crazy voices for all of the characters in the book and making things up as she went.  She’d wear vintage aprons, do a lot of baking, and plan scavenger hunts for her kids.  She’d mop and wax the floor while simultaneously balancing a teething baby on her ample hip, and after a long day’s work, she’d put the kids to bed and curl up on the sofa with a box of Ghirardelli.

Just more things that make me love this girl like she was my own, and these are some reasons as to why I’d be so stoked if she were pregnant.  I wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t ask any questions, wouldn’t pry into finding out who the father was (unless it were, uh, John Mayer) — I’d just be like, “Yeah, Jess.  Yeah.  Do your mom thing.  Own it, girl.”

July 5, 2010 at 8:24 am by Sarah

14Things I Never Thought I’d Say (Ever): The Situation Puts John Mayer to Shame

NASHVILLE, TN - JUNE 09: Musician John Mayer and TV personality Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino attend the 2010 CMT Music Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on June 9, 2010 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images)

If there’s anything I can’t stand more than poofy-haired, whiny, crooning “racist penis” John Mayer, it’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. So to give The Sitch any credit whatsoever really pains me in a way that I can’t completely convey to you.

The two were photographed at last night’s CMT Music Awards, The Situation looking like something you could wash your clothes on and oil a lawnmower with at the same time, and Mayer looks like he swallowed a small, bloated child. Whole.

Mayer was there to perform onstage with Keith Urban, but I’m still not sure why the cast of Jersey Shore was in attendance. Many would think that’d be like Adolf Hitler kicking it at his neighbor’s bar mitzvah or something. … Oh, wait. I get it now. It was a live televised event that people watch. I guess that was the hook. Gotcha.

Whatever. You know you’re on your way out when a greasy reality TV faux-star puts you to shame.

Both of you fools: Pull your damned shirts down.

June 10, 2010 at 9:25 am by Sarah