… to Twitter! LOL! What, did you think we were going to get into something deeper, like his addiction to poon? Not this early, friends. No, this time, John Mayer is getting into his hardcore Twitter addiction, the one he kicked last September:

“I realized about a year ago that I couldn’t have a complete thought anymore, and I was a tweetaholic,” Mayer said. “I had four million Twitter followers, and I was always writing on it. And I stopped using Twitter as an outlet and I started using Twitter as the instrument to riff on, and it started to make my mind smaller and smaller and smaller. And I couldn’t write a song.”

So I guess John has let enough time pass to get back in touch with himself, and now he wants to make sure that other Twitter addicts know the danger. He wants to spread the gospel, so to speak, of the evils of the Twitter. Great going, John! Now if you could just stop being a total douchebag OFF the internet as well, we might be getting somewhere!

Ok, before we get started I just want to make sure you guys know that this story is from Star, so let’s not pretend it’s the gospel truth. Let’s go into this knowing that there is a chance it could be nonsense, but with open minds and open hearts, all right?

It’s Miley Cyrus.  John Mayer is banging Miley Cyrus.  Allegedly.

Here’s Jezebel’s summary of the story from Star magazine:

Miley Cyrus and John Mayer are “Made For Each Other.” Um. What. Apparently they were getting all touchy-feely over Grammys weekend, and she was following him around all night at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party. Backstage at the Grammys, Miley was rubbing John’s back, and when he thought no one was looking, he leaned over and kissed her. “It was quick and intense and a bit shocking, but it also seemed sweet,” an eyewitness claims. ”Afterward, Miley slapped his butt and told him, ‘You rock!’” Running to get a barf bag, brb. Miley has told friends that she believes she can make John a one-woman man, and thinks they are great together because she’s as wild as he is.

Is this not the most plausible tabloid story you’ve ever seen?  I mean, it’s not like John is a stranger to the young, impressionable type, and it’s not like Miley hasn’t hooked up with worse dudes.  I actually think that Miley and John could make a pretty decent couple:  John could buy her the booze she inevitably craves but can’t legally purchase, and Miley could be John’s new ass hat.  It’s a perfect fit for everybody.

I know that the big thing these days is for men to grow their hair and their beards and what not (my husband is going through the phase right now and I have to say – it’s hot hot hot), but some celebrities – like Tom Brady – don’t look so good. And by ‘don’t look so good,’ I mean they ‘look like a demented serial killer who slicks his hair back with motor oil and has a pretty serious underbite FOR SOME PRETTY SERIOUS BITING.’

I also get the feeling that as John Mayer ages, he’s going to look a lot like Jerry Garcia. And while that is a sad, unfortunate testament to good old Jerry, it’s even worse for John. Why? Because John probably SMELLS the way that good old Jerry does. Like, this very minute as he continues to decompose in his early grave, God rest his soul.

John Mayer’s Twitter account, which has been a point of contention for many people including ex-girlfriends, attractive black women who agree that Mayer is racist, and other groups that just downright despise John Mayer for being John Mayer (oh! Like me!), is officially off.

The douche’s Twitter account had over 3.7 million followers — for some reason that’s probably akin to watching a train filled with puppies derail — but Mayer recently said that he has plans to communicate with fans via his blog instead of tweeting to his heart’s content.

My thoughts?  Oh, yes.  It’s a lie, it’s a sham, it’s a total farce. John Mayer, communicate with fans via anything other than Twitter? Ha!  Nope. He’s gonna start showing up at people’s front doors now. You just wait and see.

And please start with me, John.  I have a giant wad of raw hamburger that I’d love to shove down your throat.

I think Jess would make a good mom.  Really, I do.  She’d be super-awesome at bedtime stories, throwing crazy voices for all of the characters in the book and making things up as she went.  She’d wear vintage aprons, do a lot of baking, and plan scavenger hunts for her kids.  She’d mop and wax the floor while simultaneously balancing a teething baby on her ample hip, and after a long day’s work, she’d put the kids to bed and curl up on the sofa with a box of Ghirardelli.

Just more things that make me love this girl like she was my own, and these are some reasons as to why I’d be so stoked if she were pregnant.  I wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t ask any questions, wouldn’t pry into finding out who the father was (unless it were, uh, John Mayer) — I’d just be like, “Yeah, Jess.  Yeah.  Do your mom thing.  Own it, girl.”

If there’s anything I can’t stand more than poofy-haired, whiny, crooning “racist penis” John Mayer, it’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. So to give The Sitch any credit whatsoever really pains me in a way that I can’t completely convey to you.

The two were photographed at last night’s CMT Music Awards, The Situation looking like something you could wash your clothes on and oil a lawnmower with at the same time, and Mayer looks like he swallowed a small, bloated child. Whole.

Mayer was there to perform onstage with Keith Urban, but I’m still not sure why the cast of Jersey Shore was in attendance. Many would think that’d be like Adolf Hitler kicking it at his neighbor’s bar mitzvah or something. … Oh, wait. I get it now. It was a live televised event that people watch. I guess that was the hook. Gotcha.

Whatever. You know you’re on your way out when a greasy reality TV faux-star puts you to shame.

Both of you fools: Pull your damned shirts down.

Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston have more in common than just their Good Morning America appearances this morning. Both women have dated John Mayer, who dished details on each of their sexual prowesses in a recent Playboy interview… So I guess it makes sense why there’s not a photo of them together?

Simpson, who appeared earlier this week on the David Letterman Show was grilled by Letterman regarding her past with various — ahem, rather attractive — love interests, but I found it funny that while exes Tony Romo and John Mayer were discussed, no one thought to bring up who Simpson’s now allegedly dating:  Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan.

However, Billy’s gonna try to ride this “unnamed” buxom female celeb train until its fame wears off, evidently, because he’s once again speaking out on Jess’s behalf.   John Mayer most recently opened his loose-lipped flap to Playboy magazine regarding his and Simpson’s nuclear sexual past and Jess was none too happy about it, as she claimed on Letterman.

After Corgan was audibly snubbed during the interview with David Letterman, he’s still standing by his woman and sounds off to Rolling Stone about his thoughts on the comments that Mayer made off the cuff:

“He’s trying to destroy his career … Rather than take a year off or change his musical direction, some part of it is irritating [John Mayer's] soul to the point where he’s trying to blow it up.  Certainly a talented guy, but empathetically, it’s hard to watch someone literally burn their career to the ground speaking as somebody who’s done it.”

After some more vague rambling, Corgan states:

“For any person who has celebrity to drop rocks at somebody else’s feet like that, there’s things you should really just keep your mouths shut on.  There’s things that should just be left alone.”

And then the clincher that Corgan dropped a few weeks ago to the same publication:

“If people knew her [Jessica Simpson] like I knew her, they would love her like I do.”

Aww … Someone’s pissed that they’re still not yet getting any from Hollywood’s favorite, elitist gift horse.

I wrote earlier today about the outfit Jess wore to her David Letterman appearance — a lot of you loved it, but I still think it’s kind of ridic.

Now that we actually have footage of Jessica on the show — talking about Tony Romo and John Mayer (“He gave away my game!!), among other things — I have a very important question: Why can’t she talk like a normal human being??? Doesn’t it seem like she’s holding her mouth a little tight? It doesn’t look like she recently got Botox or anything, but there’s definitely something odd going on.

That said, it’s a pretty adorable interview, and I like her a lot more after watching it.

Lastly: How fucking amazing is the quality on YouTube these days??? This is a damn sharp video. Pretty soon I’ll be able to sit in bed all day and my entire life will just play out over the Internet. Oh, wait. That already happened.

“He didn’t make me go brunette! John doesn’t get credit for making me brunette. He’d like to think so, but he doesn’t deserve the credit.”

-Jessica Simpson attempts to tell Allure that John Mayer didn’t make dye her hair when they were dating, but I’m not so sure I believe that.

Earlier this week a truly epic Playboy interview with John Mayer was released and it caused quite the public reaction. Between John spilling details on his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston and his use of the most hated racial slur ever, not too many folks walked away from reading it unoffended. Especially upset about some of John’s remarks is actress Holly Robinson Peete, who sat down with People to discuss what was said about her.

Q: Would you have been so flattered by John Mayer stating you’re “gorgeous” if you’d read what he said in the rest of the interview?

A: The answer is no. I would never have been as flattered. As a matter of fact, it went from a compliment to being an insult. That anyone would think that I would be so giddy about this young man’s compliment that I would compromise my integrity as an African American woman is the most disturbing part for me. I foolishly and impulsively commented (to E!) on a sound bite from an interview that was sent to me by a girlfriend and I didn’t know the context at all. … Clearly, after I understood how John Mayer’s comments were bookended by racial insensitivities and this racially charged, rambling diatribe that denigrated black women, it became a whole other animal.

Q: How do you feel about what Mayer said?

A: I was disgusted and offended. Especially when I started reading his surrounding comments. In the whole body of the article, there wasn’t anything that wasn’t offensive. … It was beyond inappropriate. It’s crucial for African American women to understand that I would never knowingly gush about such a compliment had I had any clue that it was bookended by these racially denigrating comments about black women. I feel disgusted by it. I went from flattered to flat-out pissed.

Q: Do you feel John Mayer is a racist?

A: Is it possible to say something racially charged, bigoted and flat out ignorant and not be a racist person? That’s the question. My impression is that it’s possible, but I want to make it clear that this guy has some major issues to sort through and a whole lot of apologies to make. I heard some apologies about the N-word, and I’ve seen him crying, which seemed sincere. But I don’t know if he understands how much he hurt black women’s feelings.

Q: Has he reached out to you to apologize?

A: He was very remorseful about the fact that I was inadvertently tangled up into this mess. He reached out to me via email. … He did not apologize for his comments. … At this point, it doesn’t feel right for me to totally accept his apology. It’s time for him to really just drop the frat boy act and take responsibility for everything that he said, no matter how painful it’s going to be for him.

While Holly has every right to be upset, I think she also needs to thank John for making her somewhat relevant again. Kidding, kind of.

It’s been an awesome couple of days for Jessica Simpson, who recently had her vagina’s addictiveness flouted in a Playboy article by John Mayer. He called her “sexual napalm.” The exact quote:

“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them … Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm … There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

Yesterday, Jessica tweeted:

interesting day so far…hmm…at least i am boxing 2-a-days this week

And then when TMZ asked her if she had a comment (video above), she bitterly laughed it off and said she didn’t.

Ummmmm, okay, look, if some guy gave that interview to Playboy about me, I would be thrilled. I would be beyond delighted. I would get a T-shirt made that said “I AM SEXUAL NAPALM” and then I would wear it everywhere. When people asked me what my name is, I would be all like “Well, Playboy just calls me ‘Sexual Napalm.’ So that’s kind of what I go by these days. Did I mention John Mayer would sell all his shit to keep fucking me? Because, yeah. Dudes want to snort me, that’s how good I am in bed.”

You need to own this, Jessica.