Ever since Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen chatting at some Memorial Day BBQ, rumours have been flying that they’re back together, which is a total travesty. Now, some smarties have pieced together what are probably two entirely different incidents – John leaving her LA house one day, and a moving van bringing in some furniture another – to claim that he may be moving in. Say it ain’t so!

Luckily, that’s probably bullshit, and our beloved “source” claimed as much to E! Online, saying:

“They are just hanging out. They are not putting a label on it.”

Thank God. John Mayer is universally known to be The Worst, and you know “my perfect Katy” (LOL) deserves better. Any woman deserves better. My worst enemy would deserve better than John Mayer, people. Sigh. I guess this was always going to happen.

20. Chris Brown
19. Jesse James
18. Taylor Swift
17. Shia LaBeouf
16. Lindsay Lohan
15. Angelina Jolie
14. Jay Leno
13. Ashton Kutcher
12. LeAnn Rimes
10 and 11. Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian
9. Anne Hathaway
8. Justin Bieber
7. Madonna
6. Matt Lauer
5. Katherine Heigl
4. John Mayer
3. Jennifer Lopez
2. Kristen Stewart
1. Gwyneth Paltrow

This is a pretty good list. I’m shocked to see that Kanye West isn’t on here. I love him but I thought he was one of the most hated people around. I’m not sure if he’s psyched or pissed not to be included. I also didn’t realize that people hated Matt Lauer this much. Damn. Too bad this poll was taken after Justin Bieber’s idiotic Anne Frank statement or I’m sure he would be higher up. Kristen Stewart now has the dubious honor of being one of the most hated and least attractive female celebrities. Hey, good for her! At least she’s good at stuff!

Who is your ultimate most hated celebrity?

John Mayer is the worst ever of anything. Katy Perry deserves better. ANYONE deserves better. They broke up but apparently Mr. Mayer still loves her, or whatever.

According to E Online,

“John still very much loves her and has feelings for her,” a well-placed source exclusively tells E! News. “It was just going to be too much with what was on his plate.”

Yeah, okay, sure.

Rumor also has it that Ms. Perry would consider getting back together with him if he got his shit back together with himself.

NO. THIS NEEDS TO END. NOW. FOREVER.

If we all ignore John Mayer, maybe he’ll go away. I don’t even care about his music; I’m coming at this from a human standpoint. We don’t need John Mayer fucking with anyone anymore.

Am I totally off on this?

John Mayer doesn’t really know the meaning of the word “dignity”, so he had no problem navel-gazing about relationships on The Ellen DeGeneres Show this week (while simultaneously yammering on about what a private and personal thing it all is, naturally). The long and short of it is this, though: he’s no longer with Katy Perry and is continuing his “journey” to douchebagdom all by his lonesome.

“It was a very private relationship going in. It was a private relationship during, and it’s a private relationship still.”

“I can understand asking the question [about our split] based on some previous answers I have given, but I have finally learned how to put the wall between one thing and the other.

“I’ve been much happier since then. I’m on the same journey as everyone else. Coupling is a tricky thing. It’s a tricky thing. I want everyone to be happy.”

Aw, well isn’t that sweet – John just wants everyone to be happy! He should be pleased to know that Katy herself is so happy, she’s sworn off men altogether after dating him. This dude is so egotistical that he thinks people are asking him about the split because of things he himself as said, rather than, you know, because there are reports all over the media that they’ve split. Ah, the ego. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

Katy Perry and John Mayer were never going to last very long, and that’s just fine – he was a nice rebound for her after splitting from Russell Brand and that dude from Florence + The Machine‘s band and she was… I’m not sure what for him. In any case, they both cut their losses earlier this month and split and Katy decided to leave relationships alone for a while, and she still will… so long as Johnny Boy doesn’t want to get back together for some raunchy make up sex or whatever the hell these two did together.

From Heat (via DigitalSpy):

“There’s no question that Katy wants to settle down, but right now, she’s not ready to fling herself into another relationship.

“If anything, she’d be open to reconciling with John if he can get his act together.”

Perry’s friends reportedly feel that Mayer “emotionally bailed” on her and that they got together too soon after she broke up with ex-husband Russell Brand.

The insider added: “Katy’s friends feel her expectations may have been too high, and are now wondering if it was all a rebound after Russell.”

No shit, Sherlocks. Is there any other reason to go out with John Mayer? She probably knew he was easy to get really wanted the D that night (and ended up getting stuck with him) or something, I don’t know. The human brain is capable of wondrous, magnificent things, but figuring out what would make any woman want to touch Mayer with a ten foot pole is beyond its capabilities.

Katy Perry and John Mayer always seemed like a weird ass couple that couldn’t possibly last very long. Turns out, they lasted exactly seven months and now they’re dunzo – despite all those engagement rumours that popped up over that ugly ass Cracker Jack box ring.

From People:

The couple, who had been dating for the past seven months in what was their second chance at love, have again parted ways, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

The split comes less than a month after Perry, 28, was spotted wearing a ruby from Mayer, 35.

They were first linked last summer, less than a year after Perry and Russell Brand divorced. And while Mayer and Perry split briefly last August, they quickly reconciled and embarked on what seemed to be a growing love affair.

While the reasons for the split are unknown, I have a pretty good idea: John Mayer is a world class moron who also makes awful faces when he’s singing his soulful jazz music or whatever the hell he does anymore. I mean, Russell Brand was a bad pick, but at least he had a bit of finesse about it all.

I think Katy should take a break from the bros for a while and stay single… or give me a ring.

Katy Perry can’t shit without someone speculating whether it means she’s planning to get married again, and the rumours  hit fever pitch again this weekend when she was seen out with boyfriend/professional douchebag John Mayer on Valentine’s Day wearing a heart-shaped ruby ring.

First of all, even Katy – she of whipped cream rocket boobs and glittered cupcake dresses – isn’t tacky enough to have a heart-shaped engagement ring. Second of all, she’s not stupid enough to get married so soon after her divorce from Russell Brand (who described her as “perfect from top to bottom“) and to someone like John Mayer.

Here’s the ring in question, made by Santa Barbara-based jeweller Daniel Gibbings:

That ring looks like it came from a Cracker Jack box, but I bet it was expensive. Let’s all just stop trying to marry Katy Perry off again and let people wear jewellery without it meaning something other than “I really like this piece of jewellery”, okay?

Katy Perry, despite what most people think, is a smart and thoughtful woman. Instead of hopping on the Welcome Back Chris Brown Express, she’s allegedly letting friends know that she doesn’t approve of Rihanna dating Chris Brown. The lovely Rihanna and the lovely Ms. Perry became friends after sitting together at last year’s Grammy Awards. Look, let’s make something clear: Katy Perry is not victim blaming. She’s not telling Rihanna not to date Chris Brown; she’s recognizing that this is a choice her friend is making and she’s stepping aside. On the other manicured hand, however, there were reports that Rihanna didn’t want to be Katy’s friend because of who Katy is dating, Mr. John Douche-Of-The-Universe-Now-And-Forever Mayer. When asked about it, Rihanna told Rolling Stone,

Katy Perry can date anyone she wants.  Besides, who the f-ck am I to say anything?  I could never given relationship advice to anybody!

Oh my. Was Rihanna taking a dig at herself there?

All we know for sure is that Perry and Mayer sat nowhere near Rihanna and Brown and there was no interaction. We also know that Ms. Perry did not once compliment Chris Brown. And who would do that? Oh, right, someone like you.

Via US Weekly.

The look of terror: Stern asks Brand if he's made love to Demi Moore.

How do we all feel about Russell Brand? I’ve never been able to come to terms with my own feelings for the man. He seems awful and gross and yet he wrote something quite moving and wonderful about Amy Winehouse after her death. I don’t find him funny but I don’t find him unfunny, either. But if Katy deemed him a worthy chap, then perhaps he is. Although they did wind up divorced. He came to her honor though, refusing to speak ill of her while being interviewed on The Howard Stern Show (Is that STILL a thing?), though Mr. Stern did his damnedest. He “went there” when he asked this:

What do you make of you ex-wife dating John Mayer? It’s like doesn’t she know he’s a worse womanizer than you?

The charming Mr. Stern also added,

No, but seriously, you know I knew from the beginning you’d never stay married.

Wow! Stern and Brand (that sounds like a law firm) went on to discuss Mr. Brand’s love of yoga, which lead him to meeting his friend Demi Moore. Brand insists that they’re not anything more than friends, saying,

I really like her. She’s a beautiful person.

Not quite enough for dear Howard, who persisted,

But you’ve not made love to her yet.

“Made love”? Good heavens, Mr. Stern is quite the proper 1800s gent, isn’t he? To which Russell shouted, “I’VE NOT MADE LOVE TO HER YET.” Good on you, old boy. Stern also accused Brand of not having safe sex, based on how he looks. I can’t really blame Stern there. And Brand, with as good an attitude as ever,

I do use one every time I have carnal relations. You can’t have germs flying about everywhere.

In conclusion, Demi Moore and Russell Brand are absolutely going to contain their germs together.

John Mayer has a lot of feelings, people. I mean, have you listened to ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’? If the answer is “unfortunately, yes” and you still have ears, listen up. You see, John knows he’s been promiscuous in his dating life and treated women like garbage, but now that Katy Perry has tamed him and taught him the error of his ways, he realizes he was probably wasn’t all that nice to his past girlfriends, a lengthy lists which includes Jennifer Aniston, Minka Kelly and Taylor Swift.

Appearing on CBS Sunday Morning, John said:

“I was just a jerk.”

That’s it. Not “I was a jerk, but I’ve got my shit together now” or “I can’t believe what an absolute asshat I was! So glad I’m not like that anymore!” Instead, you can take it or leave it because he doesn’t care one way or another what you think:

“It’s very liberating when you finally realize it’s impossible to make everyone like you. I wanted everybody to like me. I thought I was one shuck and jive away in every direction.”

As my mother used to tell me as a kid when I was desperate for one of those Cabbage Patch dolls with the hair you could actually crimp, “People in hell want ice water.” So basically, dream on. The day everyone – or even a fraction of the population – likes John Mayer is the day I start selling all my belongings and preparing for the end of days.

Here’s John talking about his new, sturdy relationship with Katy Perry:

I haven’t had any trouble in my private life at all. It’s been … I mean, I’m quite happy. I’m happy in all aspects of my life. I’m very happy in all aspects of my life.

And John on being wary of photographers:

I used to be incredibly put off by somebody taking a picture, thinking as if in some way it was it was invading my brain. But all it is, is you can see where I was last weekend. That’s all … That’s not tremendously frightening to me.

On Frank Ocean (?):

Frank is such an interesting, deep, touched, wonderful guy. He’s fascinating to me. He’s so great.

And last, on how he’s improving himself and his life and what we can expect in the coming days:

I’m interested in living more of a life that’s invisible to everybody and more vibrant to a fewer people that are in my life.

Oh, but wait. John Mayer was spotted getting cozy with ‘Girls’ star Allison Williams in New York City this past weekend, so there is still that, right? A leper never really loses his spots or whatever, don’t you know.

Katy Perry and John Mayer started dating sometime in July of last year. Since then, they’ve broken up a few times, been photographed together a few times, and so now they’re totally ready to start having babies. Obviously.

Katy Perry is reportedly preparing “her body and mind” to have a baby.

Since going public with their relationship in December, Katy has been inseparable from her boyfriend John Mayer. The pop star is completely taken with John, with claims she is considering starting a family with her beau.

“She’s gained a few pounds,” a source explained to British magazine more! “Katy is taking a much needed break from work, and perhaps even getting her body and mind ready for pregnancy.”

The couple went on holiday to Hawaii over New Year, where John’s affection for the pop star was reportedly even clearer. The rocker was apparently unable to keep his eyes off Katy. An insider observed that John was constantly taking pictures of his girlfriend, claiming: “He couldn’t stop snapping away. Katy was happy to oblige – she found it very amusing.”

Katy was previously married to British comedian Russell Brand, with their divorce finalised in July 2012. John has dated celebrities such as Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift and Jennifer Aniston. Sources confide that John fell for Katy because of her self-sufficient nature.

“Katy is so independent and not needy and clingy like other girls he dated,” the source stated.

John recently sparked rumours that he may be planning on proposing to the California Dreams singer after he was spotted perusing engagement rings.

I don’t think I can explain why, but I can definitely see this being at least partly true. One of the reasons that Katy’s marriage to Russell Brand didn’t work out was that Russell really wanted children, and Katy said she did too, but when he talked about it, she shut him down (did you see her movie? This is in there.), and he wasn’t into it. If she had gotten pregnant, I think she’d still be married right now, but she wanted to focus on her career. Which, you know, that’s fair, but she told Russell a different story for a good long while.

But now that she doesn’t have an epic tour to do or new music to release, I can see her getting into a more laid back lifestyle. But mostly, I can see her having some kind of unhealthy, codependent relationship with John Mayer. And he’s a real bad boy, not a reformed one like Russell. I think she’d consider locking this thing down with a baby.

What do you think?