The film’s called ‘Frozen Ground’, and it’s based on the life of serial killer Robert Hansen (played by a man I love, John Cusack). Nicolas Cage is, obviously, if you’ve already watched the trailer, the cop who pursues Cusack’s character, and Vanessa Hudgens is the sweet, innocent … teenage stripper (?) who is abducted by the serial killer, and who eventually escapes—the first escapee from Hansen, and the escapee who put Hansen behind bars.
And while I know it’s a real story and all, it’s still a little too ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and ‘Kiss the Girls’ for me, but it’s got John Cusack. And Nicolas Cage. And I could even get past the whole Vanessa Hudgens thing, but only if there’s nudity. Because Vanessa Hudgens nudity is still pretty hot, even though it’s definitely pretty old.
Could we just maybe get some John Cusack nudes up in here this afternoon, maybe? Because that would make today a success.
Here it is: the first official trailer for The Raven, starring John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe. Who! Incidentally! Is caught in the middle of a string of gruesome murders, each of them copycatted from a Poe suspense story. And IT’S UP TO EDGAR ALLAN POE TO STOP THE MYSTERIOUS MURDERER BEFORE THE MURDERER KILLS SOMEONE VERY CLOSE TO EDGAR ALLAN POE. That is what I deduced entirely from the trailer, like the masterly detective I am.
But I can’t believe how seriously this trailer takes itself! Usually I am thrilled by movie trailers; I want to go right out and watch the movie advertised, no matter how piss-poor the preview. But not this time, Poe! Instead, I am eyeing you warily! My mother told me to never trust a man with such manicured facial hair, and she was right. How can I take that goatee seriously? I ask you.
The trailer isn’t all bad. I can pick out “Pit and the Pendulum” and maybe “Masque of Red Death.” And I mean, I was a big fan of Sleepy Hollow, and I started to really enjoy From Hell upon seventh or eighth viewing. Hmm. Best guess: the mustache/goatee combo is supposed to trick us into thinking we’re watching Johnny Depp.
John Cusack creeps me the fuck out with his Twitter page and he’s about to do the same thing in his new movie, The Raven. John is playing Edgar Allan Poe, and while I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him act well enough to believe he can pull this part off, he certainly got his shit together in wardrobe.
“No comment. I mean, you could fill in the blank, I bet,” the 41-year-old actor says when asked how Cusack has handled Piven’s recent success. “It just says so much about a person if he has space for other people’s success,” he says.
“I have always been so proud of my friends’ success. I own that proudly because I come by it naturally. I was raised on that spirit of collaboration. … You start getting into trouble in life when you start comparing and contrasting your life to anyone else’s. You don’t win when you do that.”
So Cusack is jealous of Piven? This sounds too loony to be true, and it could be a practical joke. Yes, that must be it, because I’ve never had a guy friend knock me for being the biggest writer on the planet, though clearly that’s the case.
If it is true, guys, c’mon. Let’s not let the system get in the way of a few beers and some laughs. Jobs come and go, women hate us, we gots to stick together my brothers.