This is what happened at Britney’s recent London show, where Joe was a guest star, and later, the victim of her on-stage pole assault. In fact, it was so traumatizing for Joe that it took him hours to recuperate and make an attempt at a half-hearted Tweet “thanking” Britney for her cooties:

What a great night! LONDON! you rule! what a way to end the @britneyspears tour. And.. @britneyspears thanks for the strip tease.. ;)

Yes, thanks. Thanks kind of like, “Thanks for running my foot over with a grocery cart in the cereal aisle, you blind old bitch,” or “Thanks for accidentally telling the boss that my ‘doctor’s appointment’ was actually a spa day, you f*ck.” I get where you’re going with this Joe, and believe me – I feel more than just sympathy for you. I feel embarrassment, too, because your crappy haircut is almost worse than what happened on stage.

Is “penis” an OK word for you guys in the headlines? I mean, I wouldn’t want to get any of you in trouble at work or anything if your boss happened to walk by and it appeared – APPEARED – that you might be investigating the specifics of a Jonas brother‘s wang. I remember how it used to be before I started working from home: the hot, sweaty panic that’d ensue if someone happened by and you just couldn’t close the browser in time. Ugh, hate that. Now that I work from home, however, I only have to worry about my husband walking by and wondering why I’m Googling “Disney star penis sizes.” Generally, though, I have no explanation for it, but whatevs.

Anyway, our friends over at The Dirty have an exclusive insider that supposedly got a lot of information from Demi Lovato about her still-kinda-private breakdown, and no Disney stars were left unscathed.

On the Joe Jonas relationship:

She openly admitted to members and patients in rehab, that she has had sexual intercourse with Joe Jonas and it started since the beginning of Camp Rock. That they would frequently do it and that the Jonas Brothers Purity ring was complete crap. None of the brothers followed that rule and was a “publicity gain” to make fans and more endorsements come in that was enforced by their father who was Demi’s manager. Joe and Demi dated earlier in the beginning of the Camp Rock Rise of Fame but she revealed that he was a “player who was in it for sexual gain” and his penis was “small.”

On punching a member of her staff:

Demi told staff that she had been frequent (sic) partying and had an experience with drugs and that Alex Welch threatened to tell her family, manager and people from Disney; but Demi responded that it was “none of her business” and than physically attacked her which she realized was her breaking point and that she needed help.

On drug use and sharing with her peers:

She was a frequent marijuana user and would “smoke weed with Miley Cyrus”. She also tried Cocaine and Heroin at a party but decided she hated it.

Do I believe it? Mm. Parts, yes. The part about Miley Cyrus being a pothead, definitely. You could see that a mile away. The mole also got their attack details right, but Joe Jonas with a small penis? Let’s be realistic. We all know that it’s KEVIN who’s the eenie weenie short short man out of all the Jonaii.

This video of a Paramount exec calling up Joe Jonas to tell him that he didn’t land the role of Spiderman due to his set of particularly thick thighs has been floating around the ‘nets today, and while I don’t think it’s real (just a very good impression), I can’t help but laugh knowing that this is exactly how such matters are handled in this town.

Well, it’s actually not exactly how they’d be handled. Normally a call like this would go to a manager and then the manager would have to break the news to their client that they’re a little too bottom heavy to make the cut, but the passive-aggressive tone? The semi-ass kissing? The “I’m too busy for this but hey! It’s Joe Jonas!” attitude? Oh, that is SO VERY Hollywood.

Let’s just celebrate the idea that we may have gotten the Gift of Garfield because a certain JoBro hasn’t been doing his squats, okay?

Demi Lovato recently admitted herself to a treatment center for help with her cutting and emotional problems and while everyone is citing a fight with one of her back up dancers as what made Demi realize she needed help, these problems have been going on for some time.

A source close to Joe Jonas, Demi’s last boyfriend, spoke to People and said that the two split because of Demi’s behavior:

…while Joe, 21, was dating Demi, she “was a true teenager in love.” But despite her feelings for the middle Jo Bro, he had to end things because “Demi’s attitude and behavior were out of control.” The report continues on to say that she was “a mess” and “tortured.”

It seems that Joe saw the troubling signs in Demi long before she broke down at the airport. The source also insists that everyone knew about her problems, including her battle with cutting: “‘It wasn’t a secret. She was getting help.”

There’s nothing funny about this, per se, but I would have killed to have been a fly on the wall during one of Joe and Demi’s fights. She’ll be fine. She definitely will. She’s 18 and doesn’t appear to be too into partying (I choose not to believe the reports that homegirl is a cokehead), but I’m sure those fights were some epic teenage drama.

And about this Camp Rock business … I have to admit: I was a big fan. I’m not normally a Disney-watcher (I’m twenty-seven years old, for fuck’s sake), but I stumbled upon the debut of Camp Rock a few years ago when it first aired and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. No matter how I wanted to flip past the channel, I couldn’t. The only way that I was able to stop the madness was when my husband came home from a golf tournament that night — as soon as I heard the key in the front door, that shit was gone. Could you imagine? How embarrassing. Much to my poorly-executed chagrin, however, he turned into bed early and I was able to resume watching … Camp Rock. Loved it. And it’s become The Day After Tomorrow for me — one of those movies that just has to be watched when it’s on television, regardless of what’s going on that day or night.

Is it one of my favorite movies? Hardly. Would I go out and rent it, or worse, buy it? Fuck to the no. One thing I will say, though: Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam debuts September 3rd at 8 PM ET sometime soon, and I am all about that shit.

I mean, uh, cool for them.

Wow. Sometimes news comes across my desk and it kills me to report it, but that’s my job. It’s not all unicorns and Kardashians over here, you know?

So Joe Jonas and Demi Lovaoto have supposedly broken up, and according to the hamface who got the exclusive, not only did the break up happen over the phone, but Joe had his dad break the news to Demi. That’s right, Joe Jonas had his father break up with his girlfriend. How low is that?

Demi’s not heartbroken over it, though. The source said that Demi got her tears out and is already moving on and exploring her dating options. Damn. Demi Lovato is single and almost legal. Shoot. Her stock is through roof. Your loss, JoJoBro.

… And with his ever-present purity ring, would you expect it any other way?

Yeah. Anyway. Joe Jonas claims that he’s going to release a solo album, so it looks like the days of the JoBros are quickly coming to a close:

“There’s nothing to hide. We’re just waiting for the right timing. There’s a lot of Jonas stuff going on this year, so once there’s a place for that record, we’ll release it. You’ll hear a lot of new music from us.”

See, when I was a much younger girl, I loved Hanson. I mean, I fucking loved Hanson. I was one of those pathetic little fangirls that’d get all crazy when I saw televised appearances of the flaxen-haired singing trio and I’d cry if I’d see them in person (which I did, many, many times). I was sick; it was a sickness. I went to their concerts, made scrapbooks of news articles that I had clipped from magazines and played their music, like, incessantly. It was bad, and it’s embarrassing now, but I can really feel for the girls who are so wrapped on the Jonas thing — it’d be like Isaac (yeah, my totally favorite dorky-assed Hanson that I so would have married at the age of thirteen) announcing that he was leaving the band back in 1995 or whatever. I’d have been devastated, so I totally feel you kids of today’s world. I feel you.

Nah, I’m actually just joshin’. Lovato tweeted a photo of herself looking a bit worse for the wear earlier today, but it’s just a sneak-peak at her upcoming stint on Grey’s Anatomy.

The episode, “Sonny With a Chance”, debuts next month and centers around Lovato’s schizophrenic episodes and subsequent hospitalization at Seattle Grace.

Will you be watching — you know, even though it wasn’t Joe Jonas who clawed her eyes out, and hell, why should he?  It’s not like she keeps fawning over him and swooning all over the place about how dreamy and prince-y he is or anything.

People.com has this story up right now. Their headline is “Demi Lovato Wants the World to Know She Loves Joe Jonas”, which made me LOL. I was pretty hard on these two at first, but then I thought about it and I was like, “Fuck it! Their young kids in love.” And Demi’s gushing about Joe during an interview with a Canadian entertainment show sounded pretty much like any high school aged chick going on and on about how bananas she is about her boyfriend. Remember your high school sweetheart and you thought you’d totally “found the one” and that you guys would “be together forever” and “keep the baby if you got pregnant”? That’s what she sounded like.

The choice quotes from her interview:

On dating Joe: “It’s amazing! It’s a great feeling! When you’re in love, you want the world to know!”

On their gossip rag nickname: “They call us ‘Jemi,’ which I think is pretty funny,”

On how out-of-control wild it is that she’s a celebrity and that someone might recognize her and ask her about her boyfriend that she publicly swoons over: “It’s really weird, because random strangers will be like, ‘How’s Joe?’ And I’m just like, ‘What?’ But it’s fun. It’s really special, and we’re having a good time.”

Anyway, so I’m totes on team Jemi now, guys! Great for them! They’re like the new Justin & Britney (OMFG, they fuckin’ wish.) Their break up will probably be epic. Not like “Demi has sex with Wade Robson and they both write break up albums and ridiculously dramatic music videos to explain their side of the story and then they have a dance-off in an NYC nightclub to ‘settle the score’”-awesome, but I bet some kind of scandalous business will go down.

Miley is appearing on tonight’s Idol airing, 8 PM ET, to help the contestants prepare for life in the spotlight and will lend her musical expertise to the remaining eleven finalists.

Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato will perform their tween-saccharine-sweet-gag-me-anthem, “Make A Wave”, on the live results show tomorrow at 9 PM ET and Cyrus will be performing her hit “When I Look At You.”

No word on if Billy Ray will be skulking in the wings, prompting her to grind on the judges.

Access Hollywood

I don’t know if any of you guys saw that movie, Camp Rock, but man, the sexual tension on the Disney set was thick enough to cut with the dull edge of a chastity belt.   I’ll admit freely that I succumbed to the cheesy-awesomeness of the flick, despite the fact that I had to hide my viewership from the rest of the people who live in my home, ’cause I was properly mortified at my own morbid fascination.

However, in a recent interview with Bush, Demi Lovato “accidentally” confirms that she and the eldest Jonas are, in fact, dating.  When asked about her preference in Jonas brothers, she admitted that she and Joe are best friends and that led to the obligatory trap of “are you fucking going to church together?” Demi confirmed that she and Joe were “best friends” before entering into the wilderness of a committed relationship and that she’s now being treated to “the most amazing places.”

And just in case you were wondering, you skeevy bastard you, yes, they are fucking going to church together.

Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas are totally dating, you guys. Demi spilled the beans yesterday in an interview with Billy Bush and called Joe, “perfect”. Ugh. Here’s how it played out:

BB: Have you ever dated a Jonas Brother?

DL: Um, maybe?

BB: Which one? Joe?

DL: Yeah. He’s actually… he’s my best friend.

BB: So you guys went from boyfriend-girlfriend to best friends?

DL: No kind of the opposite.

BB: Oh? So you’re dating him now?

DL: Umm, yeah he is my best friend and he is incredible.

I don’t know why we’re supposed to care about this. All these kids claim to be virgins, and if you’re not fucking, you’re not really dating. I’m sorry if you disagree, but I live in 2010. If a guy won’t sleep with one of my friends, I tell her to never call him again. Now, do I think that Demi and Joe Jonas are “totally doing it”? Yeah, I think they probably bone constantly because they’re hot and 17 and living adult lives, but they want us to talk about them like they’re virgins… so who the hell cares that these two sit around and hold hands? Not me! I’m sure this is news for someone, but not this slut!