Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Joan Rivers

Quotables: Joan Rivers Rips on Goldie Hawn, Betty White

“She’s been pulled so tight, they say, that when she swallows she has an orgasm.”

Joan Rivers gives David Letterman the inside scoop on Goldie Hawn’s plastic surgery.

Oh gosh. When I read this, I screamed. I literally screamed. It’s gems like these…! I’m telling you, there’s a reason Joan Rivers is America’s second-best living insult comic. (As for Melissa Rivers? Well, I am forever grateful to her for signing my Los Angeles Avengers Arena football.)

But Joan wasn’t done, going on to insinuate that Betty White slept her way to the top.

“She is known in the business as ‘Bendover Betty,’” Rivers announces. Letterman looks genuinely embarrassed. Come on, Dave! I thought everyone knew, at least in her prime, Betty White was a man-eater on the prowl. And—while you wouldn’t guess it from her Password appearances—Betty White will do nudity. Will she ever! She is a sex panther! My last boyfriend slowly worked his way through the 2011 Betty White pin-up calendar, and all I can say is, yowza.

Elsewhere, Rivers admitted she pulled a Whitney Houston joke from a recent episode of E! Fashion Police:

“Once somebody’s dead [we pull it],” she said, “That’s why I won’t do a Betty White joke, because I’m so scared.”

Bam! Pow! If I were Betty, I’d be terrified of Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers’ Halloween Costume Is Sincerely Terrifying

A photo of Joan Rivers

Happy Halloween, friends! Since today is supposed to be such a spooky day, I figured that we’d kick it off with one of the spookiest things I can think of: Joan Rivers! Joan is dressed up as poor little Suri Cruise, and we can’t see it, but I’m sure the rest of the costume includes heels and a palpable sense of entitlement. Oh, and penis candy. We can’t forget the penis candy!

Are you as scared as I am?

Image courtesy of USA Today

Quotables: Joan Rivers Loves Ryan Gosling Too!

A photo of Joan Rivers

“He is handsome, he is great… I love him. I read that his greatest love is an 11-and-a-half-year-old dog… In human, that’s about 78 years. So Ryan… Guess who else is 78 and also likes it doggy style?”

- Joan Rivers, as usual, doesn’t hold back about her feelings for Ryan Gosling.

You know, it doesn’t really matter if you love her or if you hate her, but Joan Rivers does have this certain kind of fearlessness about her, and she goes after what she wants, and you can’t not respect her for that. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised if we got some pictures in the next few months of Ryan carrying Joan through airports with love. Would you be into it?

Good Face Gone Bad: Joan Rivers’ Real Face, We Hardly Knew Ye

It seems like as soon as plastic surgery for cosmetic purposes became “a thing,” comedian Joan Rivers started doing it. It’s not like she’d been shy about it– no one laughs harder about the state of her face than Joan herself– but I don’t think those of us who were born after her rise to fame truly understand the extent of work she’s had done.

You’ll probably be shocked to see the ways Joan’s face morphs over the years as you click through the gallery below. The changes beg you to ask why someone would feel the need to change their personal appearance this much in the first place.

I love you, Joan! Please stop getting nose jobs and face lifts and unnecessary fillers injected!

Quotables: Joan Rivers Weighs In on Jennifer Aniston’s New Hair

A photo of Joan Rivers

“I would like to take Jennifer Aniston and put her hair over her fucking face! I’m so bored with her and her stupid movies. They’re all the same, I don’t know how they get financed.”

Too true, Joan.

So when I was planning out what to say for this little piece, I was all set to defend Jennifer.  I mean, it’s not like I love her weak new haircut or anything, but I typically like to cheer for the underdog.  But then I checked her IMDB page and the only thing she’s ever been in that I particularly care for was The Iron Giant, and I don’t think that really counts.   So better luck next time, Jennifer.

Joan Rivers Offers To Foot The Bill For Lohan’s Rehab

Joan Rivers created a new enemy in Lindsay Lohan last week after she Tweeted a couple jokes at the actress’ expense. Sensing that laughter isn’t the best medicine in this case, Joan decided to take a more sincere approach. Last night the aging comedian appeared on The Insider and offered to pay, along with her daughter Melissa, for Lindsay to seek treatment. Real treatment. The kind where you can’t “get your nails done.”

I’m not sure if Joan is being for real or if she’s just seeing this as another opportunity to keep her name in the press, but the offer to pay for Lindsay’s rehab was pretty nice, I thought. Too bad Lindsay beat her to it.

Samantha Ronson Shows Chivalry Via Twitter

So on Friday, Joan Rivers took to her Twitter account to let people know her feelings on Lindsay Lohan’s current situation:

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.

Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.

Lindsay Lohan had “Fuck You” painted on her nails. What people don’t know is that the judge had “Eat me you party skank,” painted on hers.

Well, Lindsay’s awesome former girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, did not take too kindly to those words, so she told Joan about it:

Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can’t hear. #bully

It looks to me like Samantha totally won that little Twitter battle, because Joan didn’t respond to that.  Lindsay did though – with a retweet, a “thank you,” and a winky face.  A beautiful ending to such a remarkable tale of courage.