“Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Har har har, says the lady that gave birth only four weeks ago and is still sitting here in a damn robe and nightie (ooh! and slippers!) even though it’s almost four o’clock in the damn afternoon. I know I shouldn’t be using the pregnant Jess Simpson as fodder to wax comical over, but there’re limited topics that I can talk about today that don’t have to do with Coco’s NSFW Gigantor-boob or whether I should laugh or cry over Sofia Vergara’s Esquire interview, so it’s safe territory here, friends, talking about how glowy and flowy and apparently, bloaty, Jessica Simpson is, eight months into her pregnancy.
No, but seriously, Jess, I feel you. My water broke the day before my due date (while I was taking a lovely afternoon snooze, mind you), and even though nothing happened in the bed, I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Our home is an old, converted farmhouse and there’s no plumbing upstairs, so both of our bathrooms are on the first floor. Incidentally, there wasn’t even electricity on the second floor ’til, like, 2003 or something, but that’s a story for another day and another website. Maybe like, I don’t know, Home Depot.com or whatever. Anyway, it was a damn mess. Take my word for it, seriously.
The quote comes from Jess’s appearance last night on Jimmy Kimmel’s show, where she was undoubtedly asked about her pregnancy and her weight gain, and while it’s super-interesting (you know, all of it), there was *one* thing I was interested in a little bit more. The other celebrity guest on the show was only the SECOND-HOTTEST GUY on the PLANET, Gael Garcia-Bernal. My heavens, I’m getting all sweaty just thinking about that man. If you’ve got absolutely no interest in my water-breaking story, or in Jessica, comparing her vagina to a fire hydrant’s spigot, then you can mosey on down to the gallery, where I’ve so lovingly placed some photos of Gael Garcia-Bernal as he appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, OK? So go on – don’t say I’ve never done anything for you, alright?