“Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Har har har, says the lady that gave birth only four weeks ago and is still sitting here in a damn robe and nightie (ooh! and slippers!) even though it’s almost four o’clock in the damn afternoon. I know I shouldn’t be using the pregnant Jess Simpson as fodder to wax comical over, but there’re limited topics that I can talk about today that don’t have to do with Coco’s NSFW Gigantor-boob or whether I should laugh or cry over Sofia Vergara’s Esquire interview, so it’s safe territory here, friends, talking about how glowy and flowy and apparently, bloaty, Jessica Simpson is, eight months into her pregnancy.
No, but seriously, Jess, I feel you. My water broke the day before my due date (while I was taking a lovely afternoon snooze, mind you), and even though nothing happened in the bed, I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Our home is an old, converted farmhouse and there’s no plumbing upstairs, so both of our bathrooms are on the first floor. Incidentally, there wasn’t even electricity on the second floor ’til, like, 2003 or something, but that’s a story for another day and another website. Maybe like, I don’t know, Home Depot.com or whatever. Anyway, it was a damn mess. Take my word for it, seriously.
The quote comes from Jess’s appearance last night on Jimmy Kimmel’s show, where she was undoubtedly asked about her pregnancy and her weight gain, and while it’s super-interesting (you know, all of it), there was *one* thing I was interested in a little bit more. The other celebrity guest on the show was only the SECOND-HOTTEST GUY on the PLANET, Gael Garcia-Bernal. My heavens, I’m getting all sweaty just thinking about that man. If you’ve got absolutely no interest in my water-breaking story, or in Jessica, comparing her vagina to a fire hydrant’s spigot, then you can mosey on down to the gallery, where I’ve so lovingly placed some photos of Gael Garcia-Bernal as he appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, OK? So go on – don’t say I’ve never done anything for you, alright?
March 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
I’ve never really had a reason to talk about this before, but listen, I love me some baby showers. And really, why wouldn’t I? Baby showers are just little parties with lots of cake, except no one ever really feels the need to get belligerently drunk and pass out in the bathroom right after they lock the door and then cover the entire room with their own vomit like regular parties. There are also fun games that you can win, which I always love, and there’s typically a focus on babies, which I also always love. Where can you go wrong?
Jessica Simpson is expecting a baby girl – and her family and friends have already started helping her celebrate!
On Sunday afternoon, her nearest and dearest gathered in Los Angeles for a baby shower organized by celebrity event planner Mindy Weiss.
Simpson wore her hair down with soft braids around her face and sported a light blue dress that showed off her pregnant belly. She was joined by Jessica Alba and sisterAshlee. And when Ashlee arrived with son Bronx, Jessica greeted them outside the party.
“Jessica looked pretty and very happy,” says an eyewitness.
Adds a friend: “She’s so excited to be a mom. She can’t wait to meet her little girl.”
I know this is a frequent topic of discussion around these parts, but man, Jess is so pregnant. She’s made it clear that she’s only got one baby in there, so it must be the size of a two-year-old by now. Really, and this may seem harsh or mean or whatever, but I promise I’m being sympathetic, she reminds me of this one lady I saw on A Baby Story who was pregnant with triplets, I think, and all she could do was lie in bed all day because the rest of her body could just barely support her tummy. She would just cry buckets whenever she had to stand up because it was just too much. Obviously Jess here isn’t at that point, but I really can’t imagine she’s super comfortable. Because she’s so pregnant.
Check out the lovely pictures where you can see that for yourself, along with Jessica Alba with a baby stroller and a really awkward picture of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz together. I’ve kind of missed that crazy ol’ succubus!
March 19, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
Can you guess what it could be? Massengil? Always? Stayfree? Well, you’re sort of close if you were thinking along those lines. Jess will be naming her new daughter Maxi, short for Maxwell.
Maxwell is girlfriend’s boyfriend’s middle name, and in an effort to honor him and his baby-making capabilities, they’re going to name their daughter Maxwell. According to the source who revealed it to In Touch magazine, Jess has even been wearing a ‘M’ necklace around her neck:
“They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend told the magazine. Maxwell is fiancé Eric Johnson’s middle name, which he in turn inherited from his grandmother. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.” Adding to the veracity of the claims is the fact Jessica has been spotted wearing an “M” pendant around.
So it’s kind of interesting, right? Not entirely bad. I really prefer Maxwell to Maxi, and if we’re going full-out and calling the kid Maxi, there should at least be an ‘e’ on the end of it, because seriously, when I see ‘Maxi,’ all I can literally think about is Maxi Pads, and what young girl wants to be associated with a menstrual period? Come on.
In related news, Jess’s pregnancy libido is out of control, and that’s coming right from the horse’s mouth and not from a source. In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres, Jess says:
“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate’. I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! [Eric Johnson is] always ready.”
Did you catch that? He’s always ready. Was that too much information for you? In addition to the whole sanitary pad references? Because this entire thing was kind of way too much information for me. And that happens almost as often … nearly as much as … OK, it never happens, guys. Never.
March 14, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah
You know, some people just never learn.
Jess, I realize that dresses are totally the most comfortable thing to wear when you’re a gazillion months pregnant, but why – oh why! – do you consistently insist on choosing the ugliest, worst-patterned, flappiest dresses you can find? Is it that hard to choose something basic and black, and not a sofa slipcover that looks like it was taken off the set of The Golden Girls? Honestly, girl, I’m in your corner and I think you look all sweet and pregnanty and I’m sure you’re way uncomfortable and ready to pop, but damn. That is one f-cking ugly getup..
The most horrifying thing, though, is that Jess is considering designing a maternity line in addition to her shoes and accessory collection. In a recent telephone interview, Jess said, “I definitely want to do maternity clothes. I’ve started to try and come up with some designs. I haven’t really loved anything. Personally, I’m not buying any maternity clothes. I’m wearing all clothes that are just in bigger sizes. I want to make a maternity line that’s comfortable, but really stylish. I believe we all deserve to feel good and look good.”
OK. Did you get all that? First, she admitted to just buying clothes in bigger sizes. This explains the inherent sloppiness. See, when I was pregnant the first time around, I did the same thing and guys, I’m not going to lie: I look at photos of myself from that time and I cringe. I cringe. I looked quite similar to Jess, just with smaller boobs, and you know why? Because buying bigger clothes when you’re pregnant isn’t a good look. When I was most recently pregnant, I splurged and spent way too much on maternity clothes. Yes, they were cut in the worst ways imaginable, and they weren’t the prettiest of things, but I, at least, didn’t feel like a walking Glad bag filled with cottage cheese and baby feet. No, maternity clothes are definitely a good investment, as far as I’m concerned, and if there’s a third pregnancy in my life (at this point I’m saying ‘no way!’), I will also be buying maternity clothes.
Definitely just not those designed by Jessica Simpson, jeez.
March 12, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Bam! Because here it is. BAM!
Doesn’t girlfriend look great? And isn’t she just going to be the most darling mom? Jess covers the April issue of Elle magazine, and she really dropped a bunch of quote gems on their readers. You ready for a few?
Jess on determining her little girl’s fashion choices down the road:
“I swear, I will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! … Eric is so athletic – we’re gonna have this athletic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping, ’cause all she’s gonna want is sports bras and Nikes!”
And then Jess on the name decision:
“[It's] nontraditional. We’re sure on the name. It’s nothing shocking and nothing you’ll have to add to the dictionary. Still, when people hear it, they’ll know … why.”
Oh dear. It’s not going to be, like, Daisy Duke or anything, right? Because while, yeah, we’d all know why (God, wasn’t Jess so smoking hot in her DD days?), it doesn’t really seem like an appropriate name for a little girl. OK? Can that just be said already? I’m willing to support just about any name that Jessica Simpson and her fiance could come up with, but Daisy Duke is just not on that list.
Jess on forgetting all of the tabloid troubles she’s had in the past:
“I’m still standin’. I grew up very strong! You know, my father used to be an adolescent therapist. I remember sitting at his office, watching the girls walkin’ in and out. Kids doin’ coke at 16 … heroin. Pregnant at 14. I could see what I didn’t want to be.”
And finally, Jess on how her body told her that she was pregnant:
“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out … do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”
Seriously, though, all joking aside: won’t it be so much fun to see how Jess’s daughter’s going to turn out? I know I’m excited. I just hope she doesn’t give her advice on maternity clothes if and when she decides to have children of her own. Some mistakes just aren’t worth repeating no matter how innocent they are in the beginning.
March 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
I know that y’all are kind of split between thinking that Jess looks like a walking case of gestational diabetes and some kind of pre-natal goddess, but the only thing that I really want to talk about today is the fact that girlfriend is wearing flip flops. Not platform heels, not gladiator sandals, not stilettos – flip flops. You know what that means, right? It means she’s probably in labor as we speak. Yes, flip flops during pregnancy speak volumes. For example, people are already talking about her “push present.” It’s big. From Hollywood Life:
The 31-year-old’s fiance Eric Johnson plans to surprise her with jewelry worth $30,000 as a push present, according to OK! magazine. “He made a big deal about how ridiculous he thought the idea of push presents was, so she has no idea that she’s getting anything at all,” a source reveals.
But Eric isn’t getting just any jewelry — the thoughtful ex-NFL player is ordering from Jessica’s favorite jeweler on the Italian island of Capri, where the couple spent a romantic vacation.
“He loves to surprise her, which is why he’s pretending he hasn’t got anything, but he’s actually planning to totally spoil her,” the source says. “He didn’t just get her one thing — he really went crazy!”
The 32-year-old was so excited about his baby-to-be that he splurged on several platinum bracelets, a matching necklace with a huge amethyst and a band that will be engraved with the baby’s birth date.
“He got in touch with the store in Capri because he knew that would be really meaningful to Jess,” the insider adds. “They shopped there on her 30th birthday, which is when they first talked about spending the rest of their lives together.”
But the secret might not last for long… “He’s so excited he’s been telling practically everyone!” the source says.
Oh, and for the record, knowing absolutely nothing about her health situation – I think she looks pretty damned great, to be quite honest. Picking great fashion, no; not necessarily, but looking awesome? Without question.