You know, some people just never learn.
Jess, I realize that dresses are totally the most comfortable thing to wear when you’re a gazillion months pregnant, but why – oh why! – do you consistently insist on choosing the ugliest, worst-patterned, flappiest dresses you can find? Is it that hard to choose something basic and black, and not a sofa slipcover that looks like it was taken off the set of The Golden Girls? Honestly, girl, I’m in your corner and I think you look all sweet and pregnanty and I’m sure you’re way uncomfortable and ready to pop, but damn. That is one f-cking ugly getup..
The most horrifying thing, though, is that Jess is considering designing a maternity line in addition to her shoes and accessory collection. In a recent telephone interview, Jess said, “I definitely want to do maternity clothes. I’ve started to try and come up with some designs. I haven’t really loved anything. Personally, I’m not buying any maternity clothes. I’m wearing all clothes that are just in bigger sizes. I want to make a maternity line that’s comfortable, but really stylish. I believe we all deserve to feel good and look good.”
OK. Did you get all that? First, she admitted to just buying clothes in bigger sizes. This explains the inherent sloppiness. See, when I was pregnant the first time around, I did the same thing and guys, I’m not going to lie: I look at photos of myself from that time and I cringe. I cringe. I looked quite similar to Jess, just with smaller boobs, and you know why? Because buying bigger clothes when you’re pregnant isn’t a good look. When I was most recently pregnant, I splurged and spent way too much on maternity clothes. Yes, they were cut in the worst ways imaginable, and they weren’t the prettiest of things, but I, at least, didn’t feel like a walking Glad bag filled with cottage cheese and baby feet. No, maternity clothes are definitely a good investment, as far as I’m concerned, and if there’s a third pregnancy in my life (at this point I’m saying ‘no way!’), I will also be buying maternity clothes.
Definitely just not those designed by Jessica Simpson, jeez.
March 12, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Bam! Because here it is. BAM!
Doesn’t girlfriend look great? And isn’t she just going to be the most darling mom? Jess covers the April issue of Elle magazine, and she really dropped a bunch of quote gems on their readers. You ready for a few?
Jess on determining her little girl’s fashion choices down the road:
“I swear, I will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! … Eric is so athletic – we’re gonna have this athletic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping, ’cause all she’s gonna want is sports bras and Nikes!”
And then Jess on the name decision:
“[It's] nontraditional. We’re sure on the name. It’s nothing shocking and nothing you’ll have to add to the dictionary. Still, when people hear it, they’ll know … why.”
Oh dear. It’s not going to be, like, Daisy Duke or anything, right? Because while, yeah, we’d all know why (God, wasn’t Jess so smoking hot in her DD days?), it doesn’t really seem like an appropriate name for a little girl. OK? Can that just be said already? I’m willing to support just about any name that Jessica Simpson and her fiance could come up with, but Daisy Duke is just not on that list.
Jess on forgetting all of the tabloid troubles she’s had in the past:
“I’m still standin’. I grew up very strong! You know, my father used to be an adolescent therapist. I remember sitting at his office, watching the girls walkin’ in and out. Kids doin’ coke at 16 … heroin. Pregnant at 14. I could see what I didn’t want to be.”
And finally, Jess on how her body told her that she was pregnant:
“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out … do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”
Seriously, though, all joking aside: won’t it be so much fun to see how Jess’s daughter’s going to turn out? I know I’m excited. I just hope she doesn’t give her advice on maternity clothes if and when she decides to have children of her own. Some mistakes just aren’t worth repeating no matter how innocent they are in the beginning.
March 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
I know that y’all are kind of split between thinking that Jess looks like a walking case of gestational diabetes and some kind of pre-natal goddess, but the only thing that I really want to talk about today is the fact that girlfriend is wearing flip flops. Not platform heels, not gladiator sandals, not stilettos – flip flops. You know what that means, right? It means she’s probably in labor as we speak. Yes, flip flops during pregnancy speak volumes. For example, people are already talking about her “push present.” It’s big. From Hollywood Life:
The 31-year-old’s fiance Eric Johnson plans to surprise her with jewelry worth $30,000 as a push present, according to OK! magazine. “He made a big deal about how ridiculous he thought the idea of push presents was, so she has no idea that she’s getting anything at all,” a source reveals.
But Eric isn’t getting just any jewelry — the thoughtful ex-NFL player is ordering from Jessica’s favorite jeweler on the Italian island of Capri, where the couple spent a romantic vacation.
“He loves to surprise her, which is why he’s pretending he hasn’t got anything, but he’s actually planning to totally spoil her,” the source says. “He didn’t just get her one thing — he really went crazy!”
The 32-year-old was so excited about his baby-to-be that he splurged on several platinum bracelets, a matching necklace with a huge amethyst and a band that will be engraved with the baby’s birth date.
“He got in touch with the store in Capri because he knew that would be really meaningful to Jess,” the insider adds. “They shopped there on her 30th birthday, which is when they first talked about spending the rest of their lives together.”
But the secret might not last for long… “He’s so excited he’s been telling practically everyone!” the source says.
Oh, and for the record, knowing absolutely nothing about her health situation – I think she looks pretty damned great, to be quite honest. Picking great fashion, no; not necessarily, but looking awesome? Without question.
March 2, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
HOLY MARY MOTHER OF PEARL. What in tarnation does Jessica Simpson have in there?
I know, I know. Maybe it’s just the dress. (Oh, my word, that dress.)
No, I shouldn’t pick on Jess. The fact is, she is a very, very good-lookin’ pregnant person. Objectively, I am nowhere as cute even on my best days. Jess looks fine. Great, even. But she’s so… so big! And orange! She’s at that stage in her pregnancy where there is no longer a “baby on board”: Jessica Simpson is essentially a baby with adult legs attached to it.
I do like the way her enormous, fashionable hobo bag matches those—those heels! Woman, what are you thinking! Peep-toe slingback platform heels are barely OK for non-pregnant midday shopping!
Jessica, you’re out of control! Maybe you should listen to this song a few times.
(Image gallery swiped from Radar Online.)
February 26, 2012 at 9:00 am by Jenn
Hooray! Kourtney Kardashian is going to give birth to a little girl! Can you believe it? This newest Kardashian will be an asset to the Kardashian empire: she will inherit all. While Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney are getting too old for their shenanigans (will they ever get too old for their shenanigans though, or will we be seeing Kim famewhoring at 50?), this new generation shall rise up and bring this family to new heights. Or, wait, will people still care about the Kardashians in twenty years? Is it sad that I have to actually present that as a question because I really don’t know?
Regardless, I’m happy for Kourtney. I’m sure she’ll have fun with a little baby girl, and judging by the unbearable cuteness of Kourtney’s son, Mason, this little baby will be a stunner. BABIES.
Can I tell you something? I think that while Khloe is definitely the best Kardashian, Kourtney is the underrated Kardashian. The more I watch her – and oh, do I watch her – the more I like her. I thought she was solid on this season of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and I think she actually seems like a really good mom. Anybody else?
Oh, and speaking of little girls, guess who else is having one?
Yep, Jessica Simpson has a bouncing baby girl in her uterus as well! Hoorays all around!
The fashion mogul, who is planning a March baby shower, recently visited L.A.’s Bel Bambini boutique to pick out clothing and accessories for her little one – and one observer noticed that Simpson, 32, was thinking pink.
“Jessica and her mom [Tina Simpson] and spent over an hour at the store,” the observer tells PEOPLE. “She took her time picking out the perfect baby items.”
She’s having her baby shower in March? Baby showers usually come pretty soon before the actual baby, right? Can we assume that Jessica is due in March then? All she’s said before is that she’s due in the spring, and judging by the size of her tummy, I can’t imagine this baby will still be in there in April or May. I’m going to go ahead and guess that if she doesn’t have that baby within the next month, when she does have it, it will actually be three or more babies. She’s huge. And adorable!
You guys. Babies. Who’s next?
February 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Isn’t that something else? I’ve always kind of scratched my head over those who’d prefer to schedule a C-section rather than give birth vaginally, but I suppose it’s more of a preference thing than anything. See, me, personally, I’d rather go through the work of pushing and shoving and possibly soiling myself on a sterile delivery room table among stranger hospital staff (and whatever OB my group designates to be available that day and medical students) than have someone knock me out to cut through a cornucopia of layers of muscle and skin and organ parts with a super-sharp scalpel, and not because I’m “afraid” of the scarring. I just don’t really see the appeal in a healing process that takes 6 times longer than a more traditional delivery, which, for me at least, took only hours, if not days, the first go-round. Plus, the idea of being cut open in general is SCARY. The worst injury (knock on wood) I’ve ever had is a fractured ankle, and that’s surprising for as awkwardly clumsy as I am in my day-to-day life.