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Jessica Simpson

4Picking up the Pieces: The Only Pussies Renew Their Driver License Edition

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  • He’s been hit with a few shells, but apparently at no point with a car insurance policy. Rapper 50 cent is pulled over in his Lambo in NYC for making an unsafe lane change. He’s later handcuffed and taken to a police station on charges of an expired driver license, his vehicle being unregistered in NY, driving an uninsured vehicle and having that brick of heroin in the back seat. And by “having that brick of heroin in the back seat” I of course mean “being black.” Gawker’s got art.
  • Jessica Simpson’s management fires her publicist for trying to make it look like leaving Nick Lachey hasn’t become such an embarrassing misstep for the plummeting popstar. But in her defense: John Mayer, dude? Really? And when DJ AM was single?
  • How much is In-N-Out burger paying Paris Hilton? Because if I were Carl’s Jr, I’d be fucking pissed.
  • Ellen DeGeneres is hosting next year’s Oscars. I’d make one of the 8 gimme jokes here, but Defamer already took all of them.
  • Orlando Bloom and Uma Thurman? Wow, I bet that makes Kate Bosworth really hungry.
September 8, 2006 at 9:21 pm by Evil Beet

3Picking up the Pieces: Things that Happened to People Other Than Lindsay Lohan Today

September 6, 2006 at 1:35 am by Evil Beet

0Final Thoughts on the VMAs

Because you all are clearly incapable of forming your own opinions and thus are unfailingly interested in mine.

Sarah Silverman may well be the funniest person on planet Earth. As soon as one of you finds a clip of one of her VMA bits on YouTube, send me the link please.

If we could never, ever have Amy Lee and Jared Leto standing next to one another again, I’d be fine with that. Really. In high school I could handle looking at three, maybe even four goth kids at the same time. In my twenties, two is really more than I can stomach.

I may like some of her music, but every time I hear her speak, I like P!nk less.

It’s funny cuz Lil’ Kim is fat now. And crazy, crazy, crazy.

You know what is not classy, All American Rejects? Stumbling up to accept your award with a glass of scotch in your hands. Passing it around stage as you slur. Amusing, yes. Classy, nuh-uh.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds. Where is Ken Paves when she needs him? Is her favoritism toward him angering her other stylists? I swear they are putting her in these short dresses and then running off somewhere to watch and giggle.

Ringtone of the Year award? Like, your song is so simplistic that it carries particularly well via mobile phone? You get an award for that now?

It’s cool that Panic! At the Disco (good band name. oh wait.) got the whole audience to scream “whore!” It’s a shame that Paris Hilton wasn’t on stage at the time. The rest of the performance was great visually, but the lead singer was so nervous I don’t think he hit a single note right. Too bad cuz it’s a great song.

It’s nice to see Petra Nemcova so happy with James Blunt now. You know, after the whole almost-dying-in-that-one-tsunami-that-claimed-the-life-of-her-boyfriend-and-hundreds-of-thousands-of-others thing.

I’m pretty sure Britney and KFed got booed. And rightly so. That was the dumbest bit tonight. And that’s saying something.

I LOVE YOU XTINA!

Oh, that “marry me marry me” song is by Jared Leto’s band. Hm. I like that song. How odd. If he becomes some big famous rock star now, I just don’t know how I’ll reconcile that. I mean, My So-Called Life was cancelled. Everyone else in that cast got the memo.

For reals, Sarah Silverman, I would very much like to go out with you. Jimmy Kimmel’s star is falling, sweetie. Mine is just beginning to rise. Get on board with a winner. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

When you, as a blogger, start quoting Meredith Grey because you can’t think of anything funnier, it’s time to go to bed.

September 1, 2006 at 6:54 am by Evil Beet

8Picking Up the Pieces: Pure Speculation in the Absence of Actual News Edition

August 31, 2006 at 11:47 pm by Evil Beet

2Good Morning! Jessica Simpson Is Wearing Vanessa Minnillo’s Underwear!

TMZ reports that Jessica Simpson walked into a lingerie store in SoHo with her entourage, and left with three sets of lingerie…

…the same pieces that Vanessa Minnillo wore in her Maxim spread. Minnillo has, of course, been romantically linked to Simpson’s ex, super-hottie Nick Lachey.

Hmm.
I smell a music video. Because the nation is just beginning to recover from “Cry Me a River.”

Update: Gawker thinks it’s a PR stunt. That doesn’t have to keep the idea of it out of your bedrooms tonight, guys.

August 31, 2006 at 5:41 pm by Evil Beet

5Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition

  • Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner’s adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that’s where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there’s a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I’m just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.
  • Paris Hilton’s rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I’ve made a chart:

    Are you familiar with the term “asymptote,” Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman’s album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is “flop.” Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

  • John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I’m concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
  • How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.
August 29, 2006 at 10:59 pm by Evil Beet