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Jessica Simpson

5Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition

  • Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner’s adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that’s where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there’s a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I’m just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.
  • Paris Hilton’s rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I’ve made a chart:

    Are you familiar with the term “asymptote,” Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman’s album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is “flop.” Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

  • John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I’m concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
  • How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.
August 29, 2006 at 10:59 pm by Evil Beet

0Weekend Update: Black People Can’t Swim Edition

  • Americans nationwide unite for the single purpose of helping CBS generate buzz for its upcoming season of Survivor: Racism, and the ever-observant Rush Limbaugh just wants to do his part to help. From E! Online: Hispanics, he said, “have shown a remarkable ability to cross borders” and “will do things other people won’t do.” Asians, per Limbaugh, are “the best at espionage, keeping secrets.” Blacks “lack buoyancy” and are “more likely to drown,” while the white man’s burden will weigh down the last team with “guilt over the fact that they run things.” I hope someone has thought to award this man an honorary Ph.D.
  • Douglas L. Hall has written a script for Angelina Jolie. Would you like to read it? Now you can, at
  • Jesse McCartney would like to take back what he said about Jennifer Lopez. If only he could do the same thing for the entirety of Summerland.
  • Check out this video of two Chinese students lip-syncing to Jessica Simpson’s “A Public Affair.” Pay special attention to the motionless kid in the background who quietly plays a first-person shooter game on his computer while his roommates sing their hearts out. Thanks to Anna for the link.

August 26, 2006 at 7:43 pm by Evil Beet

13JLo Preggers; Jesse McCartney Needs Additional Media Training

Let’s start from the beginning: hottie Jesse McCartney is dating Katie Cassidy. Who is Katie Cassidy? For starters, she’s David Cassidy’s daughter, although I remember watching an MTV special about her fledgling singing career several years ago, and she had basically no relationship with her father other than him calling bi-monthly to urge her not to pursue a singing career. When the singing career eventually failed to pursue her, she must have gone into acting, as I hear she beat out the likes of Kristin Cavalleri and Jessica Simpson for the role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming film adaptation of Dallas alongside John Travolta.

Jennifer Lopez was originally cast as Sue Ellen in the film, but she dropped out suddenly several weeks ago. The rumors I heard explaining this were mostly a variation on “[ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] didn’t want to work with [ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] because [ she / he ] is too [ divaesque / washed up and pathetic ]” with the occasional “Dude the script just sucked” tossed in for good measure.

Enter Jesse McCartney. In an otherwise mundane interview with Atlanta’s Star 94, McCartney was asked if girlfriend Cassidy could give them the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the project.

“She didn’t get fired,” McCartney responded. “She’s pregnant.”


August 25, 2006 at 4:27 pm by Evil Beet

2Putting It All in Perspective

Notable album rankings from today:

1. Christina Aguilera, Back to Basics [I LOVE YOU XTINA!]
2. Danity Kane, Danity Kane [Yup, that's Diddy's all-girl group from yet another interminable cycle of Making the Band. Today, as the title says, we are putting things in perpective.]

7. Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way [Didn't that one lead singer chick say something mean about Texas? Or the Pope? It was something like that.]

10. Clay Aiken, A Thousand Different Ways [insert multiple-penetration joke here]

12. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds [tell us again about those talentless AmIdol hacks, JT, and do it without using any spaces!]

24. Kidz Bop, Vol. 10

28. High School Musical [Amazon has Ashley Tisdale listed as the artist, but I refuse to condone that here.]

32. Cheetah Girls 2 Original Soundtrack [even better than the first Cheetah Girls soundtrack!]

and at #33:
Paris Hilton, Paris.

To her credit, she’s been climbing this chart all day, but when your album’s stalling out three times as far down as Clay Aiken on pre-order, something didn’t go exactly to plan.

If it makes you feel any better, Paris, Jessica Simpson’s A Public Affair promises to remain comparatively private, hanging out at the #75 position this afternoon.

August 23, 2006 at 9:18 pm by Evil Beet

0Picking up the Pieces

Clips day continues. You know it’s a slow news day when you’ve tracked down a clip of Christina Aguilera on Letterman to use on your blog. But after the Federlesion horror you endured in my last post, Ms. Xtina rocking out should be a welcome treat. I love this girl and I love this song.

The “news” I found on the floor of the gas station bathroom this afternoon:

  • Kate Moss, the inarguable Queen of Good Ideas, took it upon herself to plan a wedding to the King of Better Ideas, Pete Doherty. He didn’t show. Johnny Depp pokes his head out from his swimming pool of gazillion dollar bills and critical acclaim to laugh.
  • Osama Bin Laden plays his own sick game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The choices are Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and novelist Kola Boof. Play amongst yourselves first.
  • Jessica Simpson’s new single sucks so hard that she has lowered herself to warring with Kristin Cavalleri at the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, that’s right, the chick from Laguna Beach. Who Stephen Colletti called a slut. Who is 19 years old. And who probably banged her ex-husband. These are stars that won’t stop rising, kids.
August 22, 2006 at 12:38 am by Evil Beet

1Jessica Simpson’s "Public Affair"

The video premieres tonight on MTV. You’ll be able to see it on MTV Overdrive for the first 24 hours after that — here’s a clip until then.

Update: The “star-studded” video is on Overdrive now (thanks, East Coast!). Hey, remember in 8th grade when you and all your girlfriends ran out of boys to call at your slumber party, so you grabbed your mom’s video camera and your Madonna tape and decided you’d make a music video to go to “Holiday?” So you curl your hair and you put on make-up and your big sister’s cutest clothes and you devise a storyline and everyone has lines and solo dance parts, and your little brother is filming and so his dog has to be in it, too, and you’re all very excited about your music video, but you’re mostly all new to this whole being-in-a-music-video/dancing-on-camera thing — which doesn’t mean you won’t try your hardest — but you’re 28 now and your mom pulled the tape out last week and watching it was so unbelievably awkward? Yeah. It’s kind of like that.

July 19, 2006 at 6:44 pm by Evil Beet
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