So, you guys know how much I love Jessica Simpson, and how she’s completely and utterly my favorite pregnant celebrity to date, right? Good, then you’ll relize, when I say “Holy f-ck, Jess” that it’s coming from a place of understanding and love, but also of fear for the concept of maternity wear as it’s generally intended to be. Because wearing your pre-pregnancy “fat” shirt when you’re seven months pregnant or whatever isn’t considered “maternity clothing,” and when you wear your pre-pregnancy “fat” shirt during pregnancy, you only, indeed, succeed in looking pre-pregnancy fat. I would know.

You still look great, Jess, and I wouldn’t sweat this advice – it’s not such valid talk coming from me, who’s no fashion plate, please believe – but damn. That’s one ugly outfit.

From a Rachael Ray show transcript via The Insider:

In the episode, set to air December 12, Simpson named her craving of the week. “This week it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toasted. And then, I’ll put some salt on my hand, like I’m taking a tequila shot, and then take a bite of the sandwich.”

When her sister Ashlee revealed on the show that she had gained a whopping 52 pounds during her pregnancy, Jessica had to set the record straight: “I’m gonna try to not go over 200 pounds.” Jessica did say the pregnancy has changed her eating strategy. “I get full really quick, so I just eat a lot throughout the day.”

First of all, does that peanut-butter-and-jelly-with-salt thing actually sound kind of delicious, or am I experiencing weird cravings of my own here? Second, two hundred pounds? I know she been a curvier girl these days, and each of her tits probably weigh close to fifteen pounds these days, but that’s a lot of good eating right there, folks. Good for you, girl!

Your choices are as follows:

-Jessica Simpson (who, ahem, is probably my personal favorite). Though it hasn’t been confirmed how far along she is, I’d guess she’s about six months pregnant:

-Hilary Duff. I’m going to guess she’s probably about four months along. Girlfriend here has a way to go before she pops, if you know what I mean (and if you don’t, well … OK):

-Beyonce. It’s debatable as to whether this woman actually is pregnant or not, but for the sake of fun, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt this time. Until, at least, her bump pops and floats away. People are putting her at three, six, and eight months pregnant. I just couldn’t tell you, folks:

Who’s the hottest pregnant woman going?

To look at her, though, you for sure wouldn’t think so. Jess says to People:

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. I think they just tell pregnant women they’re glowing to make them feel good about themselves, because everything makes them a little bit emotional.”

I hear you, girlfriend, but I don’t think you should be worrying – you’re gorgeous. Also, your baby bump is very apparently real, and it doesn’t fold up when you do simple, everyday things like walking around. I’m also glad that you’re not strangling the poor kid to death, wearing tight-ass clothing and trying to look as non-pregnant as possible. Bonus points for you there, girl. Your willingness to carry a fetus and experience all that goes with it might be the most refreshing part of this whole entire thing, you know?

Not only is pregnancy a friend of Jess’s, it’s apparently a mind-clarifier, too. Just how lucid and not-at-all flighty does girlfriend sound here? It’s amazing – it’s like night and day!

Plus, she looks just great. She doesn’t look all strung out on Cheetos and extra sleep, and her bump looks very natural BEYONCE. And big. My God, what if it’s twins? I mean, she’s due in the SPRING? I’m due in February and I’m not as big as her yet. I mean, I don’t think. We pregnant women often have skewed perceptions of our own growing figures, so hey. Que sera sera.

Anyway, congratulations to Jess – I really think she’s going to be an awesome mother.

BOOBS.

The photo’s caption?:

“It’s true, I am going to be a mummy.”

I mean, I guess they weren’t waiting for some kind of great big glossy magazine cover paying $2m. They were waiting for Halloween. The best part of this joke? Jess probably planned it, like, the day she found out she was pregnant. I could see it going down like this: “Hey y’all, I got them BLUE WORDS on this little stick I peed on! You know what this means, don’t you? I GET TO BE A MUMMY FOR HALLOWEEN! … What, you don’t get it? ‘Mummy,’ ‘mommy’? Aw, shoot, come on!”

No, seriously though, all joking aside – I am so happy for her. She seriously looks like she’s going to be the best mom ever and now that she’s finally admitted it, this pregnancy is only going to get cuter and cuter. I mean, there’s no other choice. We only have a short window of time to enjoy it, as experts are pegging her at about twenty-six weeks, and to me? Well that sounds – and looks – about right.

Finally, an overdue “Congrats!”