18You Can Take the Girl Out of Texas, But You Obviously Can’t Get Her Into Actual Pants

Here’s Jessica Simpson singing her little country ass off at the Indiana State Fair.

If you look closely, you can actually see her ass cheek. See?

I tried to find a shot that was a full-on crotch shot, but there wasn’t one. Clearly the photogs weren’t trying hard enough. I’m sure it could have been done if they’d put some effort into it. What a wasted opportunity! This is what happens when you play shows in Indiana; none of the good photographers show up. In LA, we would have at least gotten a hint of labia out of this shit.

August 8, 2008 at 10:05 pm by Evil Beet

15Quotables

“I don’t want to talk about it, but I have definitely experienced abuse in a way that I would tell people to take their heart and run.”

Jessica Simpson, in a new interview with Elle magazine. The reporter asked her if she’d ever been abused, referring to lyrics in one of her new country songs. The lyrics say “It doesn’t matter how he hurts you, With his hands or with his words, You don’t deserve it, It ain’t worth it, Take your heart and run.”

Why I am certainly 100% in favor of promptly ditching anyone abusive, WTF is Jess referring to here? At what point was she abused? And by whom? Oh, she’s probably talking about John Mayer. There was a time six or seven years ago, where, if I heard “Your Body Is a Wonderland” on the radio one more fucking time I was going to call the police and have ClearChannel charged with abuse. So, I get it, Jess.

July 31, 2008 at 8:40 am by Evil Beet

7This Stuff’s Made in New York City!

What’s more down-home country than shopping at Bergdorf’s in Manhattan?

Nothing, kids. Absolutely nothing.

July 26, 2008 at 1:27 am by Evil Beet

12Clips from Jessica Simpson’s Country Thunder Performance

So some blogger chicks who were actually at Jessica Simpson’s Country Thunder show claim that Jessica was not booed — in fact, they say, the audience loved her and cheered her on, and here are some video clips to prove it.

She also told the crowd “I’m not making another pop record ever again!” And make sure to catch the part at the beginning where she says she almost “tinkled” she was so nervous before the show. Lovely.

July 21, 2008 at 5:27 pm by Evil Beet

13Jessica Is Soooo Jealous!

Come on, we’ve always known that underneath that whole “we’re sisters and we love and support each other unconditionally act,” there’s always been some serious sibling rivalry between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

And now OK! magazine is confirming that Jessica is, of course, ridiculously jealous of Ashlee right now.

“Jessica Simpson has yearned for a baby for years. She’s told friends that she can’t wait to be a mom and has even joked that if she has to, she’ll resort to making her hairstylist pal Ken Paves the adoptive daddy,” says an inside source. “Jessica never imagined that her tomboy younger sister would have a baby first. It would be very hard for her not to be jealous.”

Awww, don’t be jealous, Jess! When Ashlee’s marriage falls flat on its ass after six months, she’ll have a fucking baby to take care of! At least when you walked away from your ill-considered marriage, all you had to deal with was the wrath of the tabloids. They’re a pain in the ass, but they don’t wake you up screaming in the middle of the night.

April 16, 2008 at 10:23 am by Evil Beet

9The Entire Simpson Family Is Delusional

Seriously, it’s like they all think this Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz marriage is going to work out.

Says Jess: My sister is overflowing with joy. Pete is an incredible soul. They naturally bring out the best in each other. I couldn’t be happier.”

And says Papa Joe (who’s currently in Georgia watching the Masters tourney with Tony Romo): “[Pete] did ask me [if he could propose]. I told him that I would be honored to have him as part of my family.”

Heh.

This thing is just waiting to implode.

April 11, 2008 at 12:46 pm by Evil Beet