Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson: Beacon Of Hope For Sad Women Everywhere

Jessica Simpson at LAX

Jessica Simpson arrived at LAX looking a lot happier than usual last night and I thought to myself “This is a woman who has felt the utter misery that was the year 2009 and look at her! Look at her smiling!” Of course I take in to account that she is a celebrity with the best material possessions money can buy and a close knit family, but think about it: she got schooled by Tony Romo publicly, got her dog eaten by some coyotes and continued to regularly get made fun of in the press. I don’t know about you, but any one of those things happening to me would make me crawl in my closet and want to die. DIE. But then look at her, just months after all of that has happened to her, she looks happy. Maybe it’s a fleeting moment but I was when I saw these photos I was all, “Damn, Jessica Simpson. I never thought you’d help me find inner peace. Thanks, girl.”

Quotables

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“Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?Don’t ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U”

Jessica Simpson’s Tweet to Perez Hilton in response to his blog that Bronx, Jess’ nephew, was celebrating his first birthday.  Perez’s ghost writer Perez wrote:  “It’s been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it’s all the family is talking about! … Poor lil’ thing doesn’t stand a chance!!!”

What is more ironic?  That Jessica Simpson cares what Perez Hilton dot com has to say about her nephew, or that she thinks Mario Lavanderia himself is actually banging posts out about Jess and her fam?  PH is phucking phfamous now!

Ashlee and Pete Celebrate Their Baby’s First Year

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz kept their baby Bronx alive for an entire year and yesterday they celebrated their glorious achievement by throwing their little boy a Sponge Bob themed birthday party.

You’d think that they’d do something Jungle Book related because the two are so obsessed with the Kipling book-turned Disney Classic that they got their son’s middle name from the main character (Mowgli– ew.), but they went with the Square Pants thing per the babies (kind of) request. “[Bronx] likes Bob and he likes guitar – which he calls ‘itar,’ so we’re going to have a SpongeBob party for him,” Pete told People. I would think that’d mean a Bob Marley themed birthday party, but I guess “special cake” would be lost on a one year old. Or kill him. I’m not suggesting people give their kids cake laced with marijuana, I’m just sayin’.

Perhaps my favorite part of this story is the nearly illiterate Tweets by the Simpson sisters made to commemorate the special day:

From Ashlee: “BX’s 1st bday tomorrow! My angel is going to be a year!! The greatest year of my life :)”

And Jessica: “Happy Birthday to my precious angel on earth!!! Bronx is 1 today!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I can’t believe it has been a year already.”

I’m going to be really sad when I have to write up a post next summer about how that poor baby got napped from Joe and Tina Simpson’s backyard by a coyote.

Jessica Simpson Finally Speaks The Truth

jesstweet

No, Jess didn’t finally reveal her real IQ, but she is coming clean about just how bad Melrose Place is.  When her sister Ashlee was on the show, Jess would frequently Tweet about it, reminding fans to tune in, as any supportive sister would.  Now that Ash got pink slipped, Jess is crediting her sis with all of MP‘s success and she’s also getting real about the true caliber of MP and admitting to the world what we already knew:  Melrose Place sucks, y’all.  

Now that Mad Men only has one episode left of the season, and the Beautiful Life ended after two showings, what is left on television that’s any good?  And don’t say “Glee.”

Quotables

Jessica Simpson Wants a Smartie

“I don’t want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men … people that will always keep me intrigued.”

– Jessica Simpson telling Extra what she’s looking for in a man. Oh, honey.

Jessica Simpson And Gerard Butler Are Probably Not Dating

Jessica Simpson is not dating Gerard Butler

Rumor has it that after a seemingly flirty encounter in NYC, Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler are dating. Well, apparently that rumor’s a crock.

Here’s the set up: Jessica and Gerard were out together, but not “together”. They have mutual friends, including Jessica’s BFF Ken Paves (her long time hair stylist), and they were out as a big group at Soho House. They apparently touched elbows and batted eyes at one another and that’s about it in terms of “rumor fuel”. Not to mention Gerard is kind of a ladies man and with his star rising, he’s in no rush to settle down. A friend close to Gerard seemed pretty certain that there was no way Jessica’s about to be his main squeeze, “I’m never surprised to hear that Gerard is with someone new. None of those relationships last. Certainly he’s not planning on settling down with Jessica Simpson … Gerard plays the field … and Jessica is lonely … and she lost weight and is looking good.”

So basically: don’t worry, ladies! Gerard Butler is still single and he’s probably going to want to start dating you any. day. now.

Crazy Like a (TV Network That Hasn’t Been Funny in Years)

Fox has issued a statement apologizing to all of America– Jessica Simpson included– for the above cartoon, sponsored by Burger King, which aired during their NFL broadcast last Sunday.

“Burger King Corp. did not have any editorial input in the creation of the animation that ran last Sunday, and no one from Burger King Corp. approved it before it aired. Upon reflection, our poor attempt at humor was insensitive and we deeply apologize to anyone who might have been offended.”

They might want to keep that second sentence handy since it applies to their entire fall lineup.