Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson is skinny again and shilling pregnancy tests

jessica simpson

Jessica Simpson‘s fluctuating weight has been a subject of media scrutiny for years – and in fact, it seems to be the only thing keeping her relevant when it comes to the public eye whatsoever. It’s a shame, really, and she seems genuinely sweet (if not the smartest chicken in the sea). But now we can all stop panicking, because she’s skinny again! AND she’s trying to get you to use Clear Blue pregnancy tests… something she probably has some personal experience with, given that she has two little ones of her own.

The above photo popped up on Jessica’s Instagram page this week, and was captioned with “If I’m in a bathing suit I should pose proudly” – right on! I’m not sure I understand why she’s got the golf club, but hey, let’s just go with it. She looks great and obviously feels great, so good for her.

She also started posting her sponsored stuff for Clear Blue on her Twitter page earlier this month, encouraging women to enter some competition the company is throwing to win $5,000. Kendra Wilkinson and Melissa Rycroft have done the same for Clear Blue in the past, so who knows if this was a one-time thing or an ongoing relationship. Given that Jessica is already affiliated with Weight Watchers, she must be racking up some serious dough on endorsement deals!

Weird. Here, let’s have a palette cleanser of another bathing suit pic, shall we?

jessica simpson 2

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Important Poll: How Cute Are Jessica Simpson’s Kids?

jessica simpson's kids are cute

Jessica Simpson’s love of getting it on with fiancé Eric Johnson led to her having two children with him pretty close together. Maxwell Drew is the little girl’s name and Ace Knute (SMH) is the new little boy. They’re a cute family, right? I mean, Maxwell’s pretty perfect. Ace just looks like a baby at the moment – but a cute baby.

Here’s the important question, though: Just HOW cute are these kids? You decide.

How cute are Jessica Simpson's kids?
View Results

Jessica Simpson Gives Birth – Yeehaw!

jessica simpson pregnant

Jessica Simpson, after what felt like a year-long pregnancy, gave birth a baby boy. He was then promptly named Ace Knute Johnson, according to TMZ. Man, that kid is gonna be such a good race car driver.

The baby’s father is Eric Johnson. They have 1 previous child together, a daughter named Maxwell.

I made a congratulations card for Ms. Simpson. Here it is:

jessica simpson pregnant

I worked at least 2 minutes on this.

Jessica Simpson Sued For Using Some Guy’s Baby On a Magazine Cover

ok magazine

A New Orleans man is suing Jessica Simpson, claiming that she tried to make money off his baby by posing in a photo with him that appeared on the cover of OK Magazine. Christopher Hurst went to a meet-and-greet with Jessica back in 2011 where he brought his infant son and handed him over to her for a few photos to be snapped. The photo was then used on OK‘s cover and now the guy claims that she was trying to pretend it was her baby (despite the fact that she has a DAUGHTER who looks nothing like this kid) and wanted to cash in. I can’t with people.

From The Times Picayune:

Jessica Simpson, OK! magazine and a photography business took a picture of a Louisiana couple’s son with the celebrity from Lakeside Shopping Center in Metairie without the couple’s permission then published it in such a way as to suggest the child was hers, according to a lawsuit the couple has filed. The photo was published in the April 16, 2012, edition of the weekly magazine, according to the suit, filed in the 24th Judicial District Court in Gretna by an attorney for the infant’s father, Christopher Hurst of Jefferson Parish, and mother, Tracy Gregory of Lafourche Parish.

“What happened in this situation was wrong,” said Michael North, the attorney. “It’s not something that ever should happen. Our immediate aim is to find out how it happened and why it happened and determine who is responsible.”

The couple asserts an invasion of privacy and emotional distress caused by the celebrity news magazine, which boasts a weekly circulation of 4.5 million and a website that attracts more than 7.3 million views per month. The couple is seeking damages that appear to be no more than $75,000.

Okay, first of all, if it takes you a year to file a lawsuit, you need to sit the hell down because you clearly weren’t bothered about this and have just decided you’re running short on cash and feel like making an easy dollar. Second of all, no one thought that was Jessica Simpson’s kid – at least not in any way beyond, like, “Huh, who’s that kid? I thought she had a girl.” Third of all, unless Jessica Simpson is the Editor-In-Chief of OK and chooses the photos that appears in the magazine, I think it’s strange no one pointed out that these assholes are suing the entirely wrong people. Ah well, another day, another dollar.

Jessica Simpson Was Surprised At Her Second Pregnancy, Despite Not Using a Condom Or Being On the Pill

Today in sex education: ladies, if you don’t use protection during sex or are not on birth control, there’s a chance you may fall pregnant. Apparently Jessica Simpson missed that day’s lesson, because the singer/actress/Weight Watchers spokeswoman (what does she do???) admitted that her second pregnancy, which came less than a year after she gave birth to daughter Maxwell, was a total surprise. Ouch.

From an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show (via DigitalSpy):

Simpson was in the midst of an interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, when she joked about the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy.

“I don’t know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window,” Simpson teased, adding: “We were definitely extremely shocked.”

The ‘With You’ singer also admitted to Ellen DeGeneres that the second pregnancy has been far rougher than when she was carrying daughter Maxwell.

“Like with Maxwell, I felt amazing,” she recalled. “Like, I could do everything, eat everything. Do whatever I wanted.

“I had a lot of energy. This time around… I’m like, exhausted, eating Tums. That’s my snack of choice!”

Tums are good – I’d eat them as a snack and I’m not even pregnant (nor do I have heartburn), but calcium is good for all of us. In any case, how much do we want to bet she’ll end up pregnant again after she gives birth to her son (who’s going to be called Ace, apparently)? I’d bet on it.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Be More Like Jessica Simpson: Uh, Okay?

Today in “LOL, yeah the f-ck right” news, apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is scaling back her acting ambitions to start working on building an empire like that of… Jessica Simpson? AHAHAHAH. I don’t know what’s funnier, Gwyn coveting Jessica’s life or the thought of either of them being the owners of “an empire”. Granted, Jessica does make bank on those ugly ass shoes she sells, but still. Gwyneth has apparently lost her love of making movies and found some for that bullshit Goop website she runs and making money off overpriced housewares that no one needs, apparently.

According to US Weekly:

Gwyneth Paltrow is giving up showbiz for, well, business. A source says that after the 33 Dias actress wraps her next few films, she will focus on growing her lifestyle website, Goop, and the fitness company she co-owns with trainer Tracy Anderson.

Paltrow is hoping to emulate the career of another multitalented star: Jessica Simpson! “She admires Jessica’s empire,” the source says of the Academy Award winner, 40. “She wants to make a killing.”

The two-time cookbook author’s rep says she has no plans to give up acting altogether, telling the Feb. 25 issue of Us Weekly, “She won’t quit acting. Her plan is to do one, maybe two supporting parts a year.”

Even so, the source cautions, “She’s lost her passion for movies.”

Well, I never had passion for movies she was in, so I guess that makes us even now. There’s no way this story is true, but it’s still pretty hilarious to picture ol’ Gwyny sipping away at her first cup of liquified field moss of the day and daydreaming about being the next Jessica Simpson.

Everyone is Pregnant!!!

Evil Beet Gossip new writer Bobby Pfeiffer pregnant photos, picturesHello world!

My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.

Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!

photos of Busy Philipps Malin Akerman Jessica Simpson Amber Rose pregnant picturesSo without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):

1. Evan Rachel Wood

There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.

Photo of evan-rachel-wood-sundance-portrait-image pictures2. Kristen Bell

The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.

Photo of Kristen Bell pregnant pictures, photos3. Amber Rose

Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.

Photo of pregnant Amber Rose

4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum

I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.

5. Holly Madison

Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March.  For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.

Photo of Holly Madison pregnant6. Kate Middleton

Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t.  I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now.  She looks … sort of malnourished.  Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term.  A Great Blue Whale.

Photo of Kate Middleton baby bump7.  Sophie Dahl

Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity.  If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I.  Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.

photo of sophie dahl pregnant

8. Busy Philipps

I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.

Photo of Busy Philipps pregnant9. Peaches Geldof

This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra.  Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.

photo of peaches geldof pregnant10. Malin Akerman

No, Malin wasn’t impregnated by French-kissing Tom Cruise -she is expecting in June by her legitimate husband who, presumably, put a bun in her oven the conventional way.

Photo of Malin Akerman pregnant11. Jessica Simpson

I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not.  Jess is going to have a boy.

Photo of Jessica Simpson pregnant12. Kim Kardashian

And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there.  There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”

Photo of Pregnant Kim Kardashian

*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.

Photos courtesy of Just Jared, Glamour Magazine, and Splash News.