Somewhere, somehow, somebody convinced a roomful of executives that a reboot of Dallas would be the ultimate in Exciting Television.
The Powerpoint presentation, probably:
“Good afternoon. We recently asked ourselves, ‘Selves, what dead franchise from the 1970s and ’80s can we reanimate?’ And then we began to wonder which dead careers we could reanimate, too.
“We believe we have finally solved those puzzles, and more. The TNT network has long sought an audience among the profitable, elusive demographic of elderly women (“boomers”) and also their granddaughters (“Millenials”), all while saving money. How better, then, than to cast cadaverous has-beens alongside a much younger generation of has-beens?
“That’s why we propose The New Adventures of Dallas. Larry Hagman’s Eyebrows will once again star as patriarch J.R. Ewing! And Step By Step‘s Patrick Duffy returns to the fold as J.R.’s brother, Bobby Ewing! As you can see from this promotional still, we also got the dead lady from Desperate Housewives.
“But maybe most importantly, the return of Dallas gives Jesse Metcalfe something—anything—to do. He’ll portray Bobby Ewing’s adopted son. And in the role of Obvious Rival, we hired actor Josh Henderson, who is wearing a big hat, which symbolizes that he is J.R. Ewing, only younger. Basically, we cast every budget player from Desperate Housewives we could afford. Look! Jordana Brewster!”
Jesse Metcalfe shot to fame as Gabrielle’s hot gardner/adultery partner on ‘Desperate Housewives’. He spent an inordinate amount of time shirtless looking a bit like this:
But now that Jesse has “relaxed’ a bit, he looks like this:
His once taut pecs have now puckered into the sweetest of man boobs. No one ever warns these guys that once they spend all that time pumping the pecs up, they can’t quit. As soon as you stop pumping iron they sag into mini mammaries. Somehow I doubt this will get half the publicity of the Jessica Simpson “Weight Gate”. I’m not saying he’s fat, by any means. He looks like the average college-aged guy with a daily pizza/beer regimen and no regular workout. Still cute, just not greased up, hard-bodied, slap your ass and pull your hair hot.
The recently rehabbed hunk was spotted leaving Parc this weekend looking a little less than sober.
The New York Post reports that Jesse spent the weekend before partying it up in Miami, where he got into all sorts of trouble.
A spy at the Shore Club saw Metcalfe poolside last Saturday afternoon chatting it up “with three married women from New York. Jesse spent the afternoon ordering drinks with the ladies . . . and then walked out on the tab.” Earlier that day, a different source told Page Six, Metcalfe and his assistant threw a fit at the Hotel Catalina in Miami Beach. “The assistant went right up to the reception desk and said, ‘Let me see Jesse’s room before I decide if Jesse is going to stay in this [bleep]ing hotel,’ ” claims an eyewitness who was in the lobby. “Everyone was staring.” Metcalfe and an entourage of “blond girls” were spotted at the nightclub Suite on Saturday, and he continued his partying Tuesday at Blue in the Delano.
Sigh. A few months ago we were saying that rehab is the new black. Now I’m gonna go ahead and say that relapse is the new rehab.