Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jesse James

Wait, You Mean Jesse James Might Have CHEATED on Kat Von D?!

A photo of Kat Von D and Jesse James

I am truly shocked. I am shocked and appalled and dismayed by the notion that Jesse James might have actually slept around with other ladies while engaged to Kat Von D, and that’s the reason that they broke up. Here, read the full story from Radar while I gather myself:

According to an eyewitness, Jesse and Kat had a verbal argument outside of her Los Angeles, California, home Monday afternoon about another woman before Kat finally told him to leave.

“They were outside and I could hear them fighting. Kat kept throwing some woman’s name out and arguing about how she didn’t like him living so far away,” the source exclusively told RadarOnline.com.

“Jesse finally said, ‘Fine, f*ck you!’ and sped away on his motorcycle. Kat sat in her Bentley with her head on the steering wheel for about three minutes before finally driving away.”

“It was clear from the tone of the conversation that Kat was accusing Jesse of something with this other woman,” the eyewitness said.

Honestly, you think you know somebody and then something like this happens. Who are we supposed to trust in this world? Who are we supposed to look up to in these trying times? Who didn’t see this coming from a zillion miles away?

Kat Von D: “Jesse James and I Are Over.”

photo of kat von d and jesse james break up pictures photos book signing american outlaw pics

Aw, poor Jesse James – he just can’t catch a break! First, he loses his Oscar-winning wife, then everybody just hates him, which I’m sure probably broke his little heart, and now? The woman who promised to promise to be by his side ’til his dying day? Is announcing on Twitter that she and him are no longer an item:

“I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”

Well balls, lady. That’s “all the info” you’d like to share? Sorry, but I just can’t swallow that bitter little pill on its own. You know you’re itching to tell us what the hell went down to make you abandon (?) your publicity cow, and for the cow to willingly let go of the only free milk it’s probably ever going to get. Like, ever again in life. Does your mama know about this yet? I mean, Jesse himself might not even be privy to this information right now. I always questioned whether he was really able to read* or not.

Regardless. I think both of you are total twats, and on the whole neither of you really affect my day to day business like Adrien Brody does, but for the sake of doing my job properly and thoroughly, I’ve just got to know what really happened here, you know?

*UPDATE: Actually, yes, it appears he can – he was quoted in People as saying:

“I’m so sad because I really love her,” James tells PEOPLE exclusively. “The distance between us was just too much.”

Jesse James Is Totally Cool, You Guys

Jesse James poses with the love of his life, Jesse James

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I sat up in the pitch-black darkness, pressing my clammy fingers against my damp brow. I dabbed at my forehead with the sheet—Egyptian Pima, 300-count—as I tried to catch my breath. Oh! Oh, God! I thought to myself. Oh, God! I hope Jesse James is okay.

I needn’t have worried! According to the NY Daily News, Jesse James phoned into Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, as part of his American Outlaw promotional rounds, and assured the radio hosts he is doing just fine:

When asked whether or not he forgave himself for cheating on Bullock with reportedly seven women over the course of their marriage, James, 42, replied, “Oh yeah. I’m cool.”

Wow. Jesse James is so strong. It must take an entire catalogue of moral virtues—like acceptance, mercy, resilience, and emotional generosity—to be able to forgive himself so quickly, and with such certainty!

James also said,

Yes, I cheated on my wife, but so do a lot of other people. Does that mean I’m the devil? Or that I’m Satan? I don’t think so. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for it, but I owned up to it.

Something about that quote rings jarringly familiar…! Ah, yes. From May of this year: “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men.”

Oh, Jesse James! If only everyone else could stop self-flagellating over itty-bitty mistakes and learn, instead, to rationalize a total lack of transcend ordinary human crutches like guilt, restraint, fidelity, and integrity.