Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jesse James

Jesse James Slams Sandra Bullock, Says She Isn’t a Great Lay

photo of kat von d and jesse james pictures photos engaged

Oh man, of all the low, dirty, fucked up things a butt-hurt douchebag like Jesse James could do, he’s done the low of the low: on a live Howard Stern interview, after being asked about his affair with multiple skanky women, James compared his current chick (Kat Von D) with his ex-wife, Sandra Bullock and claimed that while Kat Von D was superb in the sack, Bullock left a lot to be desired. According to Radar Online:

In a raunchy appearance on Howard Stern’s Sirius satellite show today, James gave a thumbs up to fiancée Kat Von D for her prowess in the sack. He then alluded that Sandra Bullock lacks talent in dancing the horizontal manbo.”That one is an easy no-brainer,” Stern said after wondering who’s better. “Kat Von D. One hundred percent,” James replied. “She’s a vixen. If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.”

Jesse also sort of claims that the whole cheating thing went on for much longer than everyone originally thought:

“She could stand there in front of the world and say she loved me, but in my mind I was thinking, ‘Yeah? Bullshit. You don’t love me. I’m just some biker kid,’” he confessed, adding that he began straying from the Blind Side star two years after their 2005 wedding.

So there you have it, folks. Just in case there was a remote shred of respect that you might have had for Jesse James (for whatever stupid fucking reason your brain might have rationalized), it should probably go out the window, along with your stupid Monster Garage paraphernalia.

Quotables: Jesse James Outs ‘Sandy’ Bullocks Affair Response in New Book

photo of jesse james and sandra bullock in happier times pictures photos

“I admitted the affair. I told her the hard details. I let her know that I had never loved this woman, that I had never cared for her at all. The feeling of shame and sadness that washed over me as Sandy began to cry was almost beyond measure … I didn’t touch her. I sat frozen in my chair, watching, as Sandy’s small body shook with sobs. From there, Sandra rose to her feet. She unfolded her sunglasses and put them on her face … She walked steadily and purposefully to the front of the shop, opened the heavy, metal door. For a moment, the sunlight enveloped her. The door closed behind her, and she was gone.”

Ugh. Told you this guy was a twat. Way to embellish and sensationalize what was probably one of the lowest moments in another person’s life in a FUCKING TELL-ALL BOOK. Then again, if I were married to Jesse James for some reason or another, it might be the happiest moment of my life, because then I wouldn’t have to pay the douchebag alimony.

Whatever, Jesse. Go back to your grease-monkey girlfriend and get fucked.

Apparently There’s Someone Out There Who Can Decipher ‘Caveman,’ Because Jesse James Dictated a Book

photo of jesse james new book american outlaw pictures

Well hell’s bells. I didn’t know Jesse James could write. Or read. But hey! Here he is, pushing a book that tries to portray him as some pseudo-sexual being that just emanates bad-boy sex, dirty leather chaps, and strong whiskey. If it were anybody else (oh, say, Adrien Brody, for example), it’d be totally hot, but really? It just makes Jesse look all Sling Blade demented and, frankly, kind of gross.

But that’s no real deviation from the truth, now, is it.

Yes, friends: Jesse James’ creatively tries to use his unoriginal name to adapt a persona that just doesn’t exist – but I guess that’s what you do when you’re such a blatant embarrassment in real life, isn’t it?

Marry, Kill, F*ck: The Troubled Men Edition

A photo of Charlie Sheen

You guys have played that wonderful classic, “Marry, Kill, Fuck,” right?  If not, it’s pretty easy:  someone names three people (or things or places, but that’s more for advanced and/or drunk players), and you decide which one you’d marry, which one you’d kill, and which one you’d fuck.  It’s one of my very favorites, so I thought I’d play with you guys, you know, in order to enhance our relationship and learn more about one another.

Here are your choices:

1. Charlie Sheen.  This guy definitely knows how to party. With him, you could stay up for days, just hanging out and jamming to Train.  And hey, if he can afford to put gold in his mouth, he can afford to put gold on your finger.  On the downside, there’s a good chance he’d ruin Christmas by pulling a knife on you.

2. Jesse James.  Ok, the thing with Jesse is that he has a definite type, so if you’re not super trashy, covered in tattoos, or at least a brunette, things probably wouldn’t work, even in the imaginary sense.  And if you’re Jewish, you also probably want to move along. Good news though:  Jesse’s almost on wife number four, so he’s got to be really good at romancing a lady!

3. Scott Disick.  Now this fella here knows about fashion, and that’s a definite plus.  I’m sure you could spend your days roaming around fancy shops without a care in the world unless, of course, you’re marginally heavier or less attractive than Kourtney Kardashian, in which case you’d constantly hear things like “You’re disgusting, I would kill myself if I looked like you! Look at you, you whale!”

So what will it be, friends?

Don’t You Have to Have Blood Tests to Do Stuff Like This in Certain States?

photo of kat von d and jesse james engaged pictures

Or rabies shots or something? Because I don’t know if I’m all that comfortable with Kat Von D and Jesse James getting married without them.

I know, it’s none of my business, love is blind, and for fuck’s sake, at least James isn’t marrying Bombshell McGee, but I’m still pretty shaken up nevertheless.

But hey – congratulations to the couple on your upcoming nuptials, and may you have many years of marital bliss. I know how important those vows are to the both of you, so get at it, crazy kids, and have a couple of kids yourselves while you’re at it. Why not choke the living shit of happiness out of each and every single individual you can in the process? You go, guys!

Also, check out the photo of the ring in the gallery. It was probably ‘borrowed’ off of Sandra Bullock’s grandmother. I mean, couldn’t you just see these two desecrating a grave and then, shucks, I don’t know, having sex atop the overturned casket? Bad image, oh man and what the fuck … get out of my head before I turn off the goddamned internet.  OUT.

Caption This: The Ever Classy Michelle “Bombshell” McGee Licks Sandra Bullock

A photo of Michelle "Bombshell" McGee

Are you taking notes, guys? This is the picture of elegance and grace.  The face tattoos, the hot new “I’m about to have surgery on my eye” look, the licking of the photo of the woman whose husband you slept with.  Bombshell’s got the hot tip, everybody, so get ready, because 2011 is definitely going to be the year of trashy.

Photo via TMZ

Sandra Bullock is Spending Christmas With Her Ex-Husband

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James are 100% dunzo, but Sandy is keeping her promise to stay involved in the lives of his children, whom she was very close to during their marriage. According to an interview with Jesse’s ex, Janine Lindemulder, Sandra is planning on spending her her Christmas with her ex and the kids:

Sandra Bullock is planning to spend the Christmas holidays in Austin, Texas with [Jesse James]. And it’s all for the benefit of her adopted son, Louis, and Jesse’s three children, Chandler, 14, Jesse Jr., 12, and Sunny, 6.

“Sandra is making plans for a Christmas reunion for Louis and her former stepkids, so they can spend time together and bond,” a family insider tells In Touch. “And she’s agreed to allow Jesse to come, as well…

“Sandra wants to make sure Louis grows up knowing Jesse’s children, so she is willing to put the past behind her for the sake of the kids.

“Sandra knows that having Jesse’s family in Louis’ life is good for him… so she’s opening her home and her heart to the children, inviting them to visit at Christmastime.”

This makes me love Sandra even more. After the year that she went through with Jesse, I can’t imagine that spending the holidays with him will be very easy, but I can also imagine that if she wasn’t there, it would be hard on the kids. You gotta respect a woman who will do what she has to do for the sake of her children, right?