Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jesse James

Thank Goodness: Kat Von D and Jesse James Are Back On!

A photo of Kat Von D and Jesse James

After a whirlwind courtship, a public breakup, a handful of rumors of infidelity, and a major drop in relevance, those two lovebirds, Kat Von D and Jesse James, have found their way back to each other’s arms. Praise God and pass the ammunition! Wait, on second thought, no, don’t do that, let’s not involve firearms. Let’s just clap politely.

Here’s what Jesse has to say about the couple’s reconciliation:

“Sometimes you are only given one chance in life,” he says. “It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.”

And that would be so sweet, it really would, except for all that stuff about Hitler and Sandra Bullock. But hey, we can rejoice in the fact that these two found love in one another, right?

Quotables: Kat Von D Makes Me Saddish

photo of jesse james and kat von d pictures photos

“He had a rough childhood, so to see what he’s become from there, it’s amazing. That’s why I wanted the picture of him as a child, to capture that certain innocence. It was good having him beside me while we finished. The tattoo is a way of him recognizing somebody loves him.”

Kat Von D, on the topic of her most recent tattoo – a rendering of her ex-boyfriend’s face as a child. I mean, I’m not going to touch the “[amazing] to see what he’s become from there part,” because I don’t want to turn this post into a rude one out of respect for someone who’s apparently hurting over something that someone did (even though it’s not, you know, entirely surprising, based on the history there), but it’s sad to see that Von D is so publicly grieving her relationship with Jesse. Her pain, though incomprehensible, is evidently real, and that just further reinforces my idea of Jesse James as a total toolkitting, douche-nozzling waste of skin and teeth.

Wait, You Mean Jesse James Might Have CHEATED on Kat Von D?!

A photo of Kat Von D and Jesse James

I am truly shocked. I am shocked and appalled and dismayed by the notion that Jesse James might have actually slept around with other ladies while engaged to Kat Von D, and that’s the reason that they broke up. Here, read the full story from Radar while I gather myself:

According to an eyewitness, Jesse and Kat had a verbal argument outside of her Los Angeles, California, home Monday afternoon about another woman before Kat finally told him to leave.

“They were outside and I could hear them fighting. Kat kept throwing some woman’s name out and arguing about how she didn’t like him living so far away,” the source exclusively told RadarOnline.com.

“Jesse finally said, ‘Fine, f*ck you!’ and sped away on his motorcycle. Kat sat in her Bentley with her head on the steering wheel for about three minutes before finally driving away.”

“It was clear from the tone of the conversation that Kat was accusing Jesse of something with this other woman,” the eyewitness said.

Honestly, you think you know somebody and then something like this happens. Who are we supposed to trust in this world? Who are we supposed to look up to in these trying times? Who didn’t see this coming from a zillion miles away?

Kat Von D: “Jesse James and I Are Over.”

photo of kat von d and jesse james break up pictures photos book signing american outlaw pics

Aw, poor Jesse James – he just can’t catch a break! First, he loses his Oscar-winning wife, then everybody just hates him, which I’m sure probably broke his little heart, and now? The woman who promised to promise to be by his side ’til his dying day? Is announcing on Twitter that she and him are no longer an item:

“I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”

Well balls, lady. That’s “all the info” you’d like to share? Sorry, but I just can’t swallow that bitter little pill on its own. You know you’re itching to tell us what the hell went down to make you abandon (?) your publicity cow, and for the cow to willingly let go of the only free milk it’s probably ever going to get. Like, ever again in life. Does your mama know about this yet? I mean, Jesse himself might not even be privy to this information right now. I always questioned whether he was really able to read* or not.

Regardless. I think both of you are total twats, and on the whole neither of you really affect my day to day business like Adrien Brody does, but for the sake of doing my job properly and thoroughly, I’ve just got to know what really happened here, you know?

*UPDATE: Actually, yes, it appears he can – he was quoted in People as saying:

“I’m so sad because I really love her,” James tells PEOPLE exclusively. “The distance between us was just too much.”

Jesse James Is Totally Cool, You Guys

Jesse James poses with the love of his life, Jesse James

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I sat up in the pitch-black darkness, pressing my clammy fingers against my damp brow. I dabbed at my forehead with the sheet—Egyptian Pima, 300-count—as I tried to catch my breath. Oh! Oh, God! I thought to myself. Oh, God! I hope Jesse James is okay.

I needn’t have worried! According to the NY Daily News, Jesse James phoned into Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, as part of his American Outlaw promotional rounds, and assured the radio hosts he is doing just fine:

When asked whether or not he forgave himself for cheating on Bullock with reportedly seven women over the course of their marriage, James, 42, replied, “Oh yeah. I’m cool.”

Wow. Jesse James is so strong. It must take an entire catalogue of moral virtues—like acceptance, mercy, resilience, and emotional generosity—to be able to forgive himself so quickly, and with such certainty!

James also said,

Yes, I cheated on my wife, but so do a lot of other people. Does that mean I’m the devil? Or that I’m Satan? I don’t think so. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for it, but I owned up to it.

Something about that quote rings jarringly familiar…! Ah, yes. From May of this year: “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men.”

Oh, Jesse James! If only everyone else could stop self-flagellating over itty-bitty mistakes and learn, instead, to rationalize a total lack of transcend ordinary human crutches like guilt, restraint, fidelity, and integrity.

Jesse James is SO Blasé About the Whole ‘Ruining His Marriage’ Thing

Jesse James Cries In Nightline Interview

Jesse James is continuing to run his mouth about the demise of his marriage to Sandra Bullock and man, I want to punch this dude in the face. Just last week he was saying that Sandy sucked in bed compared to his gross, diseased-looking lover and now he’s saying that the whole “sleeping with porn stars behind his wife’s back” thing wasn’t even that big of a deal because tons of guys are doing the same thing.

Jesse told Men’s Journal, “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men. To be honest, it was unfair for me to even be in a relationship. I sabotaged everything. I was never 100 percent in. I’m self-destructive. I made some seriously fucked-up choices.”

Wow, what a mature statement founded in great wisdom. Really fantastic stuff. Ready for another quote from the interview? When asked about his choice to check into rehab shortly after the news of his infidelity broke, he said, “I was an animal in a cage. I needed to escape before I cracked up or did something really stupid. I don’t know why I went. I just needed help. I went in thinking, ‘All these people in this place? They are really fucked-up.’ I figured out pretty fast I was the fucked-up one. I realized I was addicted to anger. And it was going to be up to me to straighten my shit out.”

Addicted to anger? More like he’s addicted to anger and apparently, foul language.

I guess a part of me is willing to admit that this whole interview could have been a lot worse in terms of him taking ownership of his actions, but unlike Jesse, I have not gone to rehab for “anger.” I remain very angry at him for his dickhead behavior.

Quotables: Jesse James Is A Whiny Brat

A photo of Jesse James

“At this point I don’t think I’m going to be able to do anything right in anybody’s eyes ever again, except kill myself or disappear, then people will be happy I guess.”

- Jesse James, talking like a total pussy in an interview with PopEater.

If there’s one kind of person that I despise, it’s That Person who’s constantly going on and on about how they should just kill themselves, because everyone hates them anyway and they’d just be doing the world a favor.  And I know, there are actual suicidal people out there, but That Person isn’t in that category.  That Person just wants attention and can go get fucked, ok?

I mean, we all know that Jesse is a massive douche and that he’s done some pretty awful things, but I don’t think that we want him to kill himself.  Disappear, sure, he can ride off into the sunset with Kat Von D and stay in seclusion for the rest of his days, but is anyone really still pissed off enough at Jesse to recommend suicide?