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Jersey Shore

MTV Doesn’t Want The Situation or Snooki Anymore

photo of the situation and snooki pictures photos pics
From TMZ:

With Snooki pregnant and The Situation getting sober, the people behind “Jersey Shore” are FREAKED the show will lose its sex-crazed alcohol-fueled edge — so they’re looking to phase the two out … in favor of newer, wilder castmates.

MTV released a statement earlier this week — following news Sitch was seeking substance abuse treatment — claiming the network expects the entire cast to return for Season 6 … but sources close to 495 Productions tell TMZ, the production company is currently looking for new talent.

According to sources, 495 desperately wants to keep things fresh — and folding in new castmates will help transition the show into a new generation … while still keeping old fans hooked.

We’re told 495 plans to limit Snooki and The Situation’s roles on the new season — giving new cast members more screen time instead.

The show is set to begin filming this summer. 495 had no comment.

Well that’s good news, isn’t it? Especially in light of my recent concerns that MTV would be glamorizing The Situation’s imminent relapse and stressing Snooki out during her pregnancy? Good news, right? Well, it’s a double-edged sword, really. It’s great that MTV won’t be contributing to the inevitable in both cases, but it’s frankly f-cking scary that they’re seeking out a “new generation” of guidos and guidettes, because seriously, these people need to be stopped. I mean honestly, how many lives need to be ruined by bad decisions influenced by drugs and alcohol and music you can fist-pump to? Whether or not Snooki and The Situation would have ended up in their situations if Jersey Shore had never been a thing is neither here nor there – they are in their situations as a direct result of the hype around their reality show, and this is how things turned out. How many people really need to be brought into the fold for the sake of ratings? How many more weak-minded and weak-willed people in desperate need of attention need to be exploited for public consumption and entertainment?

Moreover, what’s going to happen to Snooki and The Situation now? Their careers have been more important to them than anything else in their lives for the past few years, and now that it’s being taken away … I don’t know, guys. I just don’t see this playing out very well on anybody’s end, no matter what stance you take.

Jersey Shore Will Continue Complete With a Pregnant Snooki

photo of nicole snooki polizzi pregnant pictures photos
I know, I gagged a little writing that headline, so I can imagine how it must feel to have that bomb dropped on you with no prior warning.

MTV reports that the entire cast of Jersey Shore is returning for a sixth season (… I know, what the hell, right?), and that ‘entire cast’ thing includes the pregnant Nicole Polizzi. When asked about the whole pregnancy thing, MTV had this to say:

“Being a baby mama doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun in the sun. While things will definitely be a little different this time when they hit the boardwalk, their trademark hilarity and family dysfunction will remain the same.”

Oh! OK then. I suppose a baby raised in said hilarity and family dysfunction will turn out completely alright. It’s not as if the kid’ll be surprised by the f-ckery after it knows any better. An expert on the subject (he’s a “pop culture expert” and a professor at Syracuse University) spoke to the Daily News and claimed that the show this year will be extra-interesting, especially when it comes to finding out whether or not Snooki will be engaging in her trademark disgusting behaviors while she’s pregnant:

“It changes the dynamic. There are behaviors I suppose she’s not going to engage in, and if she does, it’sgoing to seem reprehensible. When Lucy got pregnant, the show was called ‘I Love Lucy’. It’s not called ‘Snooki Shore,’ it’s ‘Jersey Shore’, [and] there are some who can take up that narrative slack.”

Seriously speaking, though, how is it OK for this to happen, really? While I’m sure (or at least, I hope, anyway) that Snooki isn’t going to be out ’til all hours of the morning sipping those “non-alcoholic” beverages in shitty clubs on the shore, how is the constant stress and drama going to sit with a lady who’s gestating a fetus? Or does that not matter as much as a regular paycheck or, you know, ratings for a stupid show that no one but its E-list cast is going to remember in ten years?

The thing is, despite her previous protests, Snooki probably won’t lay off the partying, because it’s what she does. She doesn’t know any different. Fox News reported that girlfriend was out into the wee hours of the morning living it up with J Woww in Cancun:

The “Jersey Shore’s” hard-partying meatball hasn’t let a bun in the oven slow her down one bit. Polizzi was spotted heading out for an evening of partying at the wee hour of 1 am on Wednesday night in the only place more depraved than the Jersey Shore—Cancun.

Snooki is in the Mexican party mecca with her “Shore” co-star Jenni “JWoww” Farley, filming episodes for their upcoming spin-off show on MTV.

Reports earlier this week said that the pair were heading south of the border to stay at the Cancun Beach Palace in order for Snooki to get some much needed rest and relaxation after the media whirlwind surrounding her pregnancy bombshell.

Yes, let’s head to Cancun (during SPRING BREAK) for some much-needed rest and relaxation. Sure! Awesome idea. Also, Fox News referred to Snooki as a “hard-partying meatball.” You know, even though I don’t agree with most of the political stuff Fox peddles, I positively LOVE THEM for coining the phrase “hard-partying meatball.” Is there anything more fitting? You know, aside from other things I’ve read online like ‘funk-faced warthog’ or ‘diseased Oompa Loompa’?

The Fifth Season of Jersey Shore Is Nearly Upon Us!

The last season of Jersey Shore was so intense, right? There was all that drama with Jionni, we got to see Snooki’s problem with alcohol become painfully obvious and undeniable (as if it wasn’t already, right?) and, possibly the best part of all, we got to see The Situation ram his head into a wall. The fourth season of Jersey Shore was not a joke. It came at us hard and fast, and it didn’t slow down. So the fifth season should be the craziest yet, right?

Well, if you watch the trailer, not so much.

It looks like the highlights this season are going to be Vinny going home for a couple days and Snooki hitting the Situation with a plastic baseball bat. And that’s so disappointing. I mean, if you watch the whole trailer you don’t see one second of Ron and Sam fighting. Not one! It almost makes me not even want to watch it when it premieres on January 5th on MTV.


Quotables: Style Icon Chloe Sevigny Disses Nicky Hilton; Also, Seems Kind of Obsessed with ‘Jersey Shore’

Photo: Chloe Sevigny works the catwalk at the Opening Ceremony Resort show

“I read somewhere that Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay The Situation not to wear their clothes—but who am I to say who should be wearing mine? I do remember someone saying that… what’s Paris Hilton‘s sister called? Isn’t it Nicky or something? Anyway, she apparently talked to someone about my first collection, and was like, ‘I don’t get it.’ I was like, Good! I’m glad she doesn’t get it. It’s not for her. Besides, what’s there to get with clothes? So if Snooki wants to wear my clothes, go for it. I think she’d look a lot better in them.”

—the imperiously icy Chloë Sevigny, who has a new fashion line (via CeleBitchy). No, I know; I promise you’ll have a lot more fun with the quote if you read it to yourself in this voice.

But what is Chloë really trying to say here? Do I detect a barely-veiled attack on Nicky Hilton? Here, let me run that quote through my Mean Girl Translator. Ah, yes: Sevigny said, “I have been obsessed with Nicky Hilton ever since I overheard her complaining about the way I dress. Now I will pretend like I can’t even think of her name. Nicky? I’m sorry, Nicky Who?”

I see, too, that Chloë would be willing to selflessly sacrifice her style credibility if it only meant she could get Snooki out of that awful leopard print. Also, Chloë seems to know an awful lot about the Jersey Shore cast, don’t you think?

What else did Chloë say about Jersey Shore?

“I think it’s really depressing that people are propping these people up as celebrities. The way they behave is embarrassing, and I think it’s kind of diminishing our culture. Most reality TV people behave like pigs, and it’s unfortunate that they get put on pedestals for doing so.”

But! She also said,

“I have to admit, I do find that JWoWW sexy in a really weird way. It’s like that sexy, dirty kind of girl—not dirty, but like a hot mess. We’ve all gotten too drunk and acted crazy at parties, but I don’t maintain that and I’m kind of fascinated by those girls who do.”

Of course! The “Hot Mess” appeal, right. Don’t worry, Chloë, it’s OK to feel conflicted. I actually know exactly how you feel!

For instance, on the wall of my office, I have tacked up a Uniqlo poster* of Chloë—oh, what is she called? Chloë Sevigny or something? Yeah, her. I can’t explain it, but she is bizarrely magnetic. She acts like a total space alien. And I mean, I don’t maintain that, but I’m kind of fascinated by girls who do.

*I am really not kidding. She is posing fiercely with a comparatively complacent Tadanobu Asano, and something about the whole thing really tickles me. Oh, Chloë! So yeah, it’s very much on the wall in the other room.

‘Jersey Shore’ Blind Item!

Blind Item The Anonymous Entertainment Lawyer at Crazy Days and Nights, who has a nose for these things, writes,

Which Jersey Shore star is fond of saying, “It is not gay if someone else is doing the sucking,” whenever he is questioned about some of the people he has gone out with.


OK, I really have no idea who Enty is talking about here—but then again, there are only four dude castmembers on “Jersey Shore.” So! If I were to make four guesses, 25% of my guesses would be correct. Those are terrific odds. Alternatively, I could spend all four of my guesses on Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino, and then maybe I would be 400% right. Just sayin’.

Don’t get me wrong. I know sexuality is located on a larger, fluid continuum—Ha! Fluid! But seriously, I read “Savage Love,” you guys—and some perfectly heteronormative dudes are totally comfortable getting a beej from other dudes. That’s called being secure. But in the case of “Jersey Shore,” it could also be called “putting your penis, oh, just anywhere.”

This Week’s ‘Jersey Shore’: Snooki and Jionni, on the Skids

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

The last few episodes of Jersey Shore have been totally indefensible; the whole show has turned miserable. At this point, it’s like I’m dragging out a dysfunctional relationship because I made a commitment three and a half seasons ago.

All I remember of last week’s episode was that I came away from it feeling doleful and drained. Oh, that’s right: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi embarrassed boyfriend Jionni in public—she hiked her dress up in a club and kind of, I don’t know, danced at him—and he ditched her. How long did Jionni spend with Snooki in all? Six hours? That’s just six episodes of Jersey Shore PLUS COMMERCIALS. I feel like I’ve tolerated Snooki for way longer stretches.

As the curtain rises, Snooki is still bereaved. When she christens the day “the worst day of [her] life,” I for one believe her. Meanwhile, at work, Deena has been condemned to clean the toilets. (“These nails? These hands? They don’t clean toilets,” Deena narrates as her onscreen avatar attempts to mop a toilet from the other side of the room.)

Jenni “JWoww” Farley continues her reign as World’s Most Patient Pal. In last week’s episode, she scoured the streets of Florence for hours, searching for Snooki’s missing boyfriend until her feet bled. Now, the day after, Jenni negotiates a meeting between the feuding lovers, who hug and smooch just before a still-seething Jionni rolls his luggage onto a train to Rome. Yep, he leaves Florence after all! Snooki is distraught.

Next, Vinny and Pauly D build a tower of furniture atop Deena’s bed. Deena struggles to lift a loveseat by herself, topples with it, and ends up pinned beneath it, flailing helplessly. When Pauly D announces that “this is the best day of [his] life,” I for one believe him. (Déjà vu.)

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Quotables: Jersey Shore Is Never Going to Stop

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore

“I’ll do it until I’m in Depends, using a walker and I’m feeding her baby food.”

- Jersey Shore cast member, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, claims that ain’t nothing gonna stop him from being a part of the trashiest show on television, not even an invalid girlfriend and incontinence. Yay, right?

Do you actually think the Jersey Shore kids could last that long? I mean that in many ways: do you think they’ll settle down enough to lose interest in the show, do you think they’ll settle down enough to avoid an overdose, do you think that anyone would want to watch this show for decades and decades and decades*?

*I would.