From USA Today:

“I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not?’” laughed Hewitt, who wears a size 36C bra. She then pointed to her chest and joked, “These things right here are worth $5 million!”

Y’all know JLH is forever in her skivvies on The Client List, which is one of the worst shows on TV at the moment, but apparently her grandmother loves it, especially when she bares all:

Hewitt shows off her famous assets regularly on the nighttime soap, much to the delight of her 86-year-old grandmother. “My grandmother loves to call me the TV ho,” the actress giggled. “She thinks it’s hysterical. . . I get to rub abs for a living. I never thought that that would be my job, so that’s exciting. It’s a hard job, but somebody has to do it, and I’m glad it’s me!”

Nothing like Memaw’s support for gratuitous Lifetime nudity! My grandmother still refers to my partner as my “friend”, so I don’t think she’s very progressive. In fact, I think even watching The Client List might finish her off for good. Kudos to Jennifer Love Hewitt’s grandma for successfully navigating the 21st century. And to Jennifer Love Hewitt herself, I suppose, for taking pride in her body.

This isn’t even a joke, this is actually happening. Lifetime, our favorite network, decided that they wanted to adapt Pride and Prejudice into a television show. The show will be called Darcy’s Town, and it will be set in the present day. In Virginia. Natch.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t going to be featured onscreen – at least, there’s no word right now that she will be – but she’ll be working as the executive producer. It’s also going to be written by the woman who wrote Charmed.

You can go ahead and thank me for telling me about your new favorite television show now.

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt and every other woman who exists,

There are clothes that will look very flattering on you. You can find them at various places around the world.

Love,
Emily

P.S. This is not ok:

No, I get it though, I do. It can be hard to find really cute clothes if you’re not a very thin woman with an hourglass shape and at a medium height. We all have our own unique problems when it comes to fashion, and I’m not making light of that. I still weep with joy every time I find a pair of jeans that can fit my ass without gaping obscenely at the waist (two times so far this year!). But you know what you do? You adapt, and you move on. You don’t give up and hop in some tragic jumpsuit. You keep fighting, because you’re worth it.

You’re worth it, J. Love. You’re so worth it.

[Jennifer Love Hewitt's] mom Patricia, 67, lost her battle with cancer on Tuesday, Hewitt’s rep announced in a statement.

“Her family mourns her loss,” the rep says. “She was an angel to all who knew her and they are grateful she is now in a better place. They ask for privacy at this difficult time. No further details are being provided.”

Hewitt, 33, who kept her mom’s illness private, appreciated her acceptance of the career decisions she made. For example, the actress’s mother was able to find her role as a prostitute on The Client List “hilarious,” Hewitt joked two years ago. “She was like, ‘So let’s review … For 15 years people have been talking about your boobs. Earlier this year, you wrote about your hoo haw in a book. Now you’re playing a crack ho on TV.’ She was like, ‘Do you think maybe you could do an animated movie next?’ “

Man. Poor Jennifer. All of this recent success, only to have something truly sad happen now. J’s mom was always cracking jokes at her daughter’s expense, all of them having to do with JLH’s sexy self. About her role as a prostitute, Jennifer says:

“My mom’s like, ‘I’m so proud. You’re pole dancing and you’re going to play a prostitute. Awesome!’ It’s like, ‘Yeah, what you always dreamed about, mama!’ But you know, it’s a great part.”

RIP, Ms. Hewitt. Hope you can keep on being proud of your daughter wherever you are.

Here’s the gist of JLH’s complaints:

“Read like 10 rumors about myself today! So crazy! My boobs are real, I’m not cursed in love, I had a vacation with friends and I’m single! I am down. Really hurt by all the people who judge me, write mean things, rumors etc. It’s so hurtful. It’s hard to keep your head up. This is what I did on vacation. Painted part of there (sic) school and met these great kids. No more rumors.”

Oh. Girl. Let’s just quit with the their/they’re/there misuse. It’s not helping out your case any, hon. And maybe if you’d quit favoriting Tweets that make you look like you’ll stalk any half-decent-looking dude who looks your way, people wouldn’t be so quick to judge you. On Twitter. On Twitter. Elsewhere, all bets are off.

Image courtesy of The Superficial

My thing, though, is—would she consider this outing with her mom—Mother’s Day, so to speak—a special occasion? Because she’s still vagazzling, and it’s apparently reserved for special occasions:

During A and E Networks 2012 Upfront event on At Wednesday, ‘The Client List’ said that beneath her cleavage-bearing Alexander McQueen dress she was vajazzled because “it’s a special occasion.”

But she doesn’t stop there: she admitted to Access Hollywood that she desperately wants to be Anastasia in a film adaption of Fifty Shades of Grey:

“I wanna be Anastasia so badly.” … In the book, Anastasia is a young woman, who after taking over an assignment to interview eligible bachelor Christian Grey, ends up on an R-Rated journey. “I think it would be awesome. I think it would be really, really fun. I just started part of it,” she added, referring to the book. “And I’m saving the rest for my vacation in a month or so.”

So, didn’t I tell you guys, like, years ago that Jennifer Love here would soon be experiencing this certain sort of career revival? She’s on talk shows, this Client List thing is putting Lifetime networks back on the map for everyone not female and under fifty, and she’s looking hotter than ever before. I backed you then, girl, and I’m going to back you now … even if you are still a total flake.

“I heard about that. That was aggressive. It was really sweet and flattering. Beautiful life, you know, when a beautiful woman says nice things about you.”

Adam Levine, during an interview where he was asked about the obligatory being-stalked-by-Jennifer Love Hewitt thing. And it wasn’t bad enough that he said “no f-cking way, girlfriend,” he had to go and add insult to injury by telling people that she’s all aggressive and what not.

I commend Jennifer for speaking out about what she wants, and if it were anyone other than Jennifer Love Hewitt, she might have a snowball’s chance in hell in looking forward-thinking and assertive, but guys. it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. She tries to eat guys like this for breakfast, but they normally run screaming before her alarm goes off.

Poor Jennifer Love. She just can’t catch a man a break.

Did you guys catch Jennifer Love Hewitt on Jimmy Kimmel earlier this week, or were you too busy watching shows with people who aren’t relevant for a crappy Lifetime series? I know I was busy—there were new episodes of the Octonauts that aired earlier this week, so I’m not gonna lie: I was rapt.

Jennifer was on Jimmy’s show in order to promote her new show, The Client List, which is garnering some OK reviews. I haven’t watched it, so I can’t tell you first-hand, but if there are those of you reading right now who actually have sat down at taken a gander at what girlfriend’s doing on television these days, please share. I’d like some objective opinions, you know?

During the interview, Jimmy tells Jennifer that there are several huge-assed billboards that were taken out by Lifetime, featuring her ample cleavage, and he proceeds to bring in a massive piece into the studio. From there, all hell breaks loose. Watch the video, OK?

The bad things about Jenny Love:
—Her hair extensions are mad crappy. Mad crappy. And because she flat-ironed the hell out of her hair, they’re really, really obvious.
—How delighted she is at the prospect of sending a piece of her billboard tits to her grandma in Texas, because at first, she’s all, “Oh! No! My grandma would be scandalized!” but when it looks like she might get another inch of discussion out of it, she’s all for it.
—The constant crinkly-eyed smiley-ness that seems just plastered on. Does she have Vaseline on her teeth?

The good things about Jenny Love:
—Her left boob.
—Her right boob.
—She’s actually not all that pathetic-sounding during interviews as she is in random sound bites.

Can the boobs actually cancel out the desperate bids for attention? Well, yes. They can pretty much redeem her from all socially-awkward faux pas. Can they overcome those ratty hair extension, as well? No. They absolutely cannot, and I’m not even going to pretend that it’s possible.

Newly single Adam Levine doesn’t mind when the ladies flirt with him!

Access Hollywood caught up with “The Voice” coach after Tuesday’s show, where he chimed in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s recent suggestion that they would make a good couple.

“It’s very, very flattering,” Adam, who recently split with Anne V, told AccessHollywood.com’s Laura Saltman. “It’s very flattering and very sweet and it was lovely to hear.”

Adding with a smile, “But I’m not going to let it get to my head.”

Oh dear. That’s quite embarrassing, now, isn’t it? Was I rejected so many times myself that I’m just that good at recognizing these things, or is it really that obvious that his response was an instant “get the f-ck up off my d-ck, girl”? Because damn. That’s gotta smart a bit.

But I guess it’s all OK, and Jennifer’s not all that broken up about Adam’s blatant rejection of her flirtatious advances: she’s rumored to have her eye on another celebrity-turned-reality show star, Dancing With the Stars’ Maksim Chlaefmsdamfasdklfjaljskdfl;asdfsky:

Jennifer Love Hewitt had her eye on “Dancing With the Stars” hunk Maksim Chmerkovskiy on Monday night. Our spy at the show said “The Client List” star was in the audience and “trying to get Maksim’s attention. She was wearing a skintight dress, sitting front-row and smiling at him all night.” During the show, Hewitt also told host Tom Bergeron that she was rooting “for Maks.” Also in the audience were John Stamos, Nia Vardalos and Rita Wilson.

And let me guess—she was probably hitting on all of them, too, right? Come on. I saw that shit a MILE away.

And we’re not talking about something abstract like desperation or tears, we’re talking about actual scents. Does she wear some special type of perfume? Some body powders, perhaps? Maybe she has a really great soap?

No, none of that. Jennifer Love Hewitt just carries around some vanilla extract in her purse for when she needs to catch her a man:

“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!’”

Oh, Jennifer.

I was going to ask if this was a thing that people actually did, but no, I know this happens in real life. I can remember being a preteen and reading Seventeen or Cosmo or something along those lines, and there was an article about different scents and how they attract men. I believe vanilla extract was actually mentioned, but the one I remember is buttered popcorn. This article suggested that women get greasy old buttered popcorn and rub it on their necks and behind their ears, and a little on the wrist, because it will attract guys. How gross is that? I can barely stand it on my fingers at the movies, I’m not going to purposely wipe that all over my body because a dude might like it.

Hey, Jennifer: I know vanilla extract smells awesome and can conveniently be used for many dishes, and maybe it could get some guys talking to you, but have you ever thought about just being an interesting person instead?

Oh, bless her heart. Remember when Jennifer Love Hewitt was on Ellen’s talk show and made the announcement that she wouldn’t mind hooking up with newly single Adam Levine? That was a little weird, huh? I felt like I could hear the entire world let out a sigh and an “oh, Jennifer,” but she didn’t even stop after the Ellen interview. No, she went on and told E! all about how she’d love to give Adam a massage. Seriously:

“Put it out there,” Hewitt told me last night at The Client List launch party when I asked about her maybe crush on the Maroon 5 frontman and The Voice coach. “Why not? Let’s see if he comes a-knockin’.”

Or how about getting him a gig on the Client List? Based on her Lifetime movie of the same name, the series again stars Hewitt as a masseuse who provides happy endings. “Yeah, I should massage him,” Hewitt said. “I mean, I really should.”

Oh, Jennifer.

It looks like she realizes that she sounded a little desperate though, because she was all huffy about it in an interview she did on Friday:

Jennifer Love Hewitt has apologized to rocker Adam Levine for going public about her feelings for him, but feels the singer should have at least acknowledged her compliments.

The TV star offered herself up as the Maroon 5 frontman’s new girl after hearing he had split from supermodel Anne Vyalitsnya earlier this week.

During an appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” she hinted that she’d like to hook up with newly-single Levine, telling the comedienne and host, “I’m just saying. Look, we would be cute.”

But now Love Hewitt is backtracking after her remarks were met by a fury of press articles and silence from Levine.

In a radio interview with Texas DJ Bobby Bones on Friday, she said, “Is there nothing else to talk about?”

And when the radio presenter asked her if anything had happened after she opened up about her celebrity crush, she added, “Absolutely nothing except that everybody is talking about it and Adam Levine will probably never speak to me.

“I feel like I should write him an apology letter on Twitter or something just to say I’m so sorry… I wasn’t thinking that it was gonna turn into this whole thing and I feel bad.”

But the actress admits she is a little upset that Levine hasn’t said anything about her remarks: “I was kind of hoping that he would say thanks for at least thinking that he’s hot. He is hot!”

Did you catch that? “I was kind of hoping that he would say thanks for at least thinking that he’s hot.” Hasn’t she learned anything? Isn’t this this girl that wrote a book about dating a couple of years ago? No one has read this book and actually taken it seriously, right?

Oh, Jennifer.

OK, first of all, gross. I’m actually really grossed out by Adam Levine, and I’m not even sure why. I don’t know if it’s the whiny voice, or the beady little eyes, or if it’s a turn-off that he freely admits to barebacking with all of his girlfriends. I just don’t know. Second of all, how pathetic? Putting out a call for a date on a talk show? On Ellen’s talk show, nonetheless?

I’ve long been a fan of Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I know her idiosyncrasies like how she’s sort of desperate and can’t really keep a man for longer than a few weeks, and how, in that few weeks, she manages to whore him out on every occasion she gets so that he wants to retreat into a deep, dark hole (and not that one, unfortunately for her), only to never be seen in public again? Yeah. Because that’s just how it is.

Plus, despite my general distaste for Adam, he seems to only go for the uber-thin, uber-perfect supermodel type, and guys, let’s not delude ourselves here. Jennifer Love Hewitt is hot, but she’s no supermodel these days. A decade ago, sure. She was a hot ticket. But I think Adam’s more into the “get girls who every guy wants” schtick rather than the “get the girl who wants every guy” thing.