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Jennifer Aniston

Danica Patrick Thinks Jennifer Aniston Is Old And Angelina Jolie Is Perfect

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Race car driver Danica Patrick pondered the question of the ages (literally) with US Magazine:  What actress would you want to play you in a movie about your life?

“I’ve always said Angelina Jolie would be great because she’s an action star,” Patrick, 26, told a group of Canadian bloggers. “Although I don’t quite look like her,” Patrick goes on. What about Jennifer Aniston? “I don’t think that’d be age appropriate,” she says of the He’s Just Not That Into You star, who just celebrated her 40th birthday. “She’s older than me!”

Hard to picture either of them clamoring for that role.

Isn’t it unfortunate when a celeb is tragically positioned in front of a movie poster?  She looks like she went ballistic with Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair extensions.  Oh well!

Ah, and not that anyone will be doing a biopic of me, but if I had to pick for myself, hmmm….Janeane Garofalo, maybe?  I asked my mother who she would cast as me and she came up with Emily Blunt.  Pass me a bottle of pills, please.  A big one.

The Aniston Audio Library

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 In the upcoming issue of Marie Claire magazine during a group interview with her He’s Just Not That Into You co-stars Jennifer Aniston admits to keeping an odd memento from each of her major relationships.

“I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband . . . It’s like saving love letters.” 

I’m really glad that she’s a self-sufficient woman who is totally over her ex and doesn’t need a man to complete her because if I were a dude and heard this I’d run in the other direction. Actual love letters are one thing. Small trinkets or stuffed animals are totally acceptable. But to admit that you keep old phone messages in an obsolete media format is a wee bit disturbing, no? 

I wonder if Mayer is going to go through all her shit searching for his tape. He’ll pretend not to care, but you know he’s a vulnerable, gawky nerd boy on the inside and it would tear him apart to know he didn’t make the Aniston Archives.

He’s Just Not That Into You: Marie Claire Photo Shoot

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Jennifer Aniston, Ginnifer Goodwin and Drew Barrymore — all stars of the critically panned He’s Just Not That Into You (I could have told you this film was gonna suck the instant they announced they were making it) — sat down with Marie Claire for a chat and a photo shoot.

Both are actually pretty adorable.

You can read a portion of the interview here. This is my favorite part:

Ginnifer Goodwin: I want alcohol.
Jennifer Aniston: [to waiter] Grey Goose on the rocks with lime and olives. [to the girls] Then I remove the olives. Not good for the eyes.
Drew Barrymore: Salt. I know. The days of being able to eat Chinese food and wake up looking OK the next day? Gone.
MC: [to Barrymore] Wait, you’re only having a Shirley Temple? That’s it?
DB: It’s a school night. [Barrymore is directing her first feature, Whip It!, and has been in the editing room all day.] I know there are some good, crazy, psychotic directors who can work and party. I just can’t.
JA: I know. There are actors who can do it, too – just be completely high. And you’re like, “He was on heroin? I thought that was just a really emotional performance. I never saw somebody cry like that!”

Jennifer: would you order the olives if you’re just going to take them out?

And stupid Marie Claire writer: Drew Barrymore has a loooong and well-documented history of drug and alcohol abuse? Why would you give her a hard time about ordering a Shirley Temple? Did you do any research at all?

Scarlett Johansson Is So Not Into Teeth Whitening. Or Normal Nostrils, For That Matter

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Last night was the LA premiere of He’s Just Not That Into You.  We already saw what anorex-shrek looked like, but what do you think of Scarlett Johansson’s new look?  I struggle every single time I write her last name.  I have a mental block against the spelling; the mnemonic device of “slutty Scarlett” has helped greatly.

Angie Dickinson Drew Barrymore was seen hugging Justin Long which should prompt a rash of “Drew and Mac Guy Reunited” stories; I was just grateful for the embrace so I didn’t have to look at the stains on his shirt or that frosted Revlon “Pink in the Afternoon” lipstick crap she’s so committed to lately.  Or her dress.  Or tongue ring…sigh.

The best Jennifer Aniston could do was an uncombed ponytail and unknown soap star, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, accessorized her Long John Silver’s uniform with croc shoe boots and a large patent leather maxi-pad.  Kevin Connolly is still cute, Ben Affleck wishes he was dead and Jimmy Fallon’s wife is getting better looking with time.

He’s Just Being John Mayer

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Jennifer Aniston needs to start consulting sperm banks if she’s serious about wanting kids.  Because she’s not getting any younger and it looks like John Mayer is the asshole I suspected he was.  Life & Style‘s email newsletter reports:

Either John Mayer has split from Jennifer Aniston or they have a very open relationship. The musician was spotted on an intimate date with a beautiful blond woman at Marix Tex Mex Restaurant in Santa Monica on January 28. “They were obviously on a date,” an insider tells In Touch.” He came in with her another time too and I’ve seen them out together.” While the two keep their romance under wraps, John couldn’t hold back his feelings for her when saying goodbye. “He gave her a long kiss before they left,” adds the insider. “John has been here six times in the last two weeks but never with Jen.”

Of course he hasn’t been there with Jen.  Of course he’s making out with a beautiful blond.  I knew when they were staying in Mexico, together yet apart for New Year’s Eve, that this relationship was off in the ditch.  I’ve dated enough talentless, pasty-faced, closet gay commitment-phobes to spot one anywhere.

Brad Pitt Responds to Jen’s “Uncool” Comment

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There’s a kickass piece on Brad Pitt in this month’s W magazine, and really the whole thing’s worth a read, but he does discuss the firestorm that erupted when Jennifer Aniston stated that “what Angelina did was really uncool.”

Over the course of the next 90 minutes, Pitt proves to be unfailingly gracious, good-humored and game for all questions, including those about his life with Angelina Jolie and their brood of six, whom he refers to as “this cuckoo’s nest that we got going on over there.” He even responds to the latest installment of the Brad-Jen-Angelina saga. In November Jennifer Aniston told a journalist that an earlier comment from Jolie—that she and Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and so the film “might mean something more than we’d earlier allowed ourselves to believe”—was “uncool,” because Aniston and Pitt were still married during filming. “Listen, man, Jen is a sweetheart,” Pitt says, as if to settle this thing once and for all. “I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Of his current relationship with Aniston, he says, “We still check in with each other. She was a big part of my life, and me hers. I don’t see how there cannot be [that]. That’s life, man. That’s life.”

A few sentences into the next topic, though, Pitt circles back to defend Jolie’s honor. “What people don’t understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs. Smith] for a year,” he explains. “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful. [The film] will mean something to our kids. It will, that’s all.”

And as for the photo shoot that accompanies this article?

Pitt requested that artist Chuck Close, known for his superdetailed daguerreotype portraits that reveal every skin flaw, shoot the pictures accompanying this story. Pitt has always been a master of using press images to convey messages about his life, as when he and photographer Steven Klein created a provocative shoot in this magazine that depicted him and Jolie as a Fifties-era married couple with kids—before they had publicly acknowledged their love affair. Close suggests that the actor, who showed “no vanity” during the sitting, is once again playing with public perception.

“You can’t be the fair-haired young boy forever,” says Close. “At some point he’ll have to become some sort of character actor. Maybe a photograph of him with his crow’s-feet and furrowed brow is good for him. It humanizes him. It makes him less of a cinema god and more of a person.”

What People With Social Skills Will Be Doing Tonight

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Where are you going to be ringing in 2009?  I’m happy to tell you that I’ll be snowed in on a gluten-free bread bender.  But people who actually have lives have some big plans.  Check it out:

Jennifer Anistonis in Los Cabos with John Mayer, Courteney Cox and David Arquette.  Well, John Mayer is staying at a villa located in close proximity to where Jen is staying with the Arquettes.  He totally strikes me like one of those “We don’t need a title” types.  Bleah.

Lindsay Lohan is hanging out with Samantha Ronson at her deejaying gig at Mansion in South Beach.  Sam is feeling more rested since last week’s hospitalization now that she stopped eating at airport kiosks.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are hosting a party at PURE Nightclub in Vegas.  Technically, she’s Ashlee Simpson-Wentz but I’m preparing for the future when she drops him and the hyphename.

A longer list of New Year’s Eve celeb whereabouts is here and please, Denise Richards made this list?  Like one person in the universe was wondering what she was up to tonight.

Oh, and I just tried the bread and I gotta tell you:  Gluten-free bread is so disgusting.