“She’s the most adorable little cookie you’ve ever seen. She looks like she just smoked an exploding cigar. … I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it. That’s building your own torture device.”

This would be Justin Theroux talking about his dog in the first half of that quote – and yes, I know, it would have been a hell of a lot funnier if he was talking about his girlfriend or, you know, ‘that chick who makes him happy’, Jennifer Aniston. The second part, though, is definitely about her. Or maybe it’s about his dog still. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me to fathom the mind of a man who’d willingly get involved with someone like Jennifer Aniston. It’s like those dudes who hook up with Taylor Swift even though they know she’s going to write a big, nasty song about how mean they are and how all of their subsequent girlfriends are hos and stuff. I mean, he’s just asking for it, even though he’s not asking for it by saying he’s not indulging it – read: asking for it.

What do you guys think of Justin Theroux? Think he’s an OK guy? Think he’s good for Jennifer Aniston? Moreover, think he’s going to marry Jennifer Aniston eventually or just hide behind cryptic quotes like “I’m happy”?

Ready? Set? Bug your eyes out, flare your nostrils, and slightly part your lips. Got it? Good. Then you’ve got Jennifer Aniston‘s signature face that is seen somewhere in every. single. photo shoot. ever. Congratulations!

So here are a few choice quotes from Jen’s latest interview with InStyle magazine, and if you can also say “vanilla” along with the above facial contortionist accomplishment, then you probably are Jennifer Aniston. And if that’s the case, lay off lady. I have good lawyers, too, and last I checked, it’s a free country. We’re still allowed to say what we want to a certain extent, right?

In the interview, Jen talks about her life’s second passion (no, “not” her boyfriend, “directing), a Greek cooking trick that she’s not sharing, and probably ending up a crazy cat-lady recluse because she says that leaving the house is a risk.

Jennifer on her inherited culinary skills:

“I’d love to say I’m an accomplished cook, but I don’t have any signature dishes. I’m good at breakfast – I make great eggs. My father gave me a little recipe. It’s all in the seasoning. But it’s a Greek secret. I won’t give it away!”

Jennifer on what she finds to be the public’s most annoying preconception:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

On copying every current boyfriend’s style (yes, EVERY. Don’t you remember when Brad Pitt went all hippie-chic a few years back and to complement his style, Jen donned dreadlocks for awhile):

“First of all, he [boyfriend Justin Theroux] has great style – it’s very specific, and it has been his style forever. Has it influenced mine? No, but I know people say it has.’Oh, look, you’re dressing alike.’ And I think, no I’m not. I’ve had this jacket for three years!”

Sure. It’s just that she hadn’t worn it ’til she realized that it matched her boyfriend’s.

Jennifer on what she’d do if she ever left acting (ahem, Angelina Jolie):

“Directing. I was very proud of producing and directing for the beautiful project ‘Five.’ Or I’d love to be a dermatologist. I’d be so obsessive about it. I’m fascinated by skin, products, and lasers. I go on the Internet and read all about it. I call it ‘laser porn.’”

Jennifer on risk-taking and paranoia and what her life’s biggest risk has been up to this point:

“I’m not sure. Just walking out of the house can be a risk!”

So, there you have it, ladies and gents. I’m waiting and wondering when we’re going to get a real, honest, candid interview from Jennifer Aniston, but I’m afraid this is it. In this case, what you see really is what you get, and if that’s a disappointment to you, let me tell you – you’re not alone.

Hey. At least she’s photogenic, right? That’s got to count for something in this business, doesn’t it?

No, no – we don’t wish that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis would snap it off (generally). But in light of all of the lost love in the world, we decided to compile a list of 5 couples that we wish the ultimate demise upon: the big breakup. What with Seal and Heidi Klum calling it quits, and Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis (and, of course, you can’t forget – sniff, sniff – Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries), we thought it prudent to really stick it to those who deserve it, rather than those who should just be together for the rest of their lives for the public’s sake.

In no particular order, The List:

#5 – Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison

OK, no one’s going to disagree with me on this one, right? Their relationship, frankly speaking, is weird and unnatural and honestly, pretty damn gross. Not that I, you know, sit around and fantasize about celebrities having sex (I do have other things to do, my friends), but even trying to think about these two in the sack takes my appetite away. And that’s a hard, hard thing to do these days, guys.

#4 – Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes

Because, duh. Who wants to continue seeing these two sucking face all over chic European countries and West Coast bistros? Not this girl, that’s for damn sure. Ryan needs to go back to his roots of down-home sweetness and women with genteel manners and … I don’t know, f-cking hoop skirts or something. Eva Mendes is just not where all that is at.

#3 – Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that Jennifer only dates a high-ish profile man is when she’s in the throes of promoting one of her films. As far as I know, she doesn’t have anything important coming down the line as of yet, so I fully expect these two to completely drop off the radar sometime in 2012. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is just (more) annoying (than usual) when she’s dating anyone, really. Sorry, girl, but some people just aren’t meant to be.
*Image courtesy of Celebuzz

#2 – Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart

Again, I don’t want to wish ill upon anyone and their, you know, “true love that transcends age, generation, and backup dancer syndrome,” but this is just silly. I realize that J. Lo is a big girl and can string along a young kid if she wants, throwing money at him all the while like she’s the female P. Diddy, but they’ve only been dating for something like weeks now and I’m already sick of hearing about them. Go and celebrate and get married and disappear forever, guys, or break the hell up and get off my mind.

#1 – Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick

I don’t know, is it in poor taste to wish relational demise upon a woman who’s expecting a child? I don’t think so, considering who she’s with. I’m not a big Kardashian-lover as it is, but if there’s anyone who’s bad news, it’s the American Psycho-looking Scott Disick, who always seems to be just one mildly angry outburst away from relapsing into full-blown alcoholism and mirror-smashing. You wanna raise your kiddos around a ticking time-bomb, Kourt? I sure wouldn’t.

What about you guys – anyone in Hollywood you’d like to see cut their ties this year? Anyone on this list you hope lasts, you know, forever and ever?

You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.

But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”

Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.

But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.

According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”

But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.

Oh Jennifer Aniston. How you slay me with your interviews and your red carpet appearances and your constant onslaught of rom-coms and failed public romances that people just can’t get over. You’re one of the celebrities that I love to hate and … hate to … no. Wait. OK, right. You’re just one of the celebrities that I love to hate on. Here’s a recent interview with People, guys. Enjoy!

Jennifer on getting skin-savvy:

“I’ve started getting those little sun spots. Things are beginning to pop out. Even the texture [of my skin] is changing. So I’ve recently started zapping the spots and getting spray tans whenever I can. And I’ve graduated to using SPF 60 sunblock when I’m on the beach.”

Jennifer, backtracking about claiming she’d never had cosmetic enhancements:

“People think that I do a lot of injections, but I don’t. I’m not saying that I haven’t tried it … but I see how it’s a slippery slope.”

On being so natural that she hates mascara:

Jennifer [also revealed] that she tints her eyelashes every three weeks (“I hate wearing mascara,” she says) and that she used to keep scissors in her car’s glove compartment to trim split ends (“It was a weird tic,” she admits).

So, it seems to me that someone’s kind of hung up on their appearance, or at least the public perception of her appearance, huh? And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slowly back away from the keyboard and wait for the Jennifer-lovers to swarm in and castrate me for criticizing the Most Beautiful and Sexy and Alluring Woman Who Ever Walked the Earth and Other Planets in Our Galaxy, the Milky Way. OK? Can you give me a five-second head start?