The start of this week looked like it was all good news for the women: both Heath Ledger and Shaquille O’Neal announced their upcoming divorces. I mean, I guess it’s good news for the men if you want to have sex with Michelle Williams, but, really, who wants to have sex with Michelle Williams? She looks like a 12-year-old boy these days.
But Jenna Fischer?
She looks like the 12-year-old girl next door.
And she’s getting a divorce! From her husband! Some screenwriter you’ve never heard of!!!
As Hollywood’s elite become increasingly dissatisfied with their publicists, Jenna has, like so many others before her, turned to the Publicist Formerly Known as MySpace to break this exciting news:
We (James and Jenna) need to announce that we have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other’s lives, spirits, and careers is real â€“ we have been each other’s cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.
And a special note for our MySpace fans â€“ We appreciate your support over the years, and would be overjoyed to have you continue supporting us both. You might be tempted to make one of us “feel better” by putting the other one down in a post. Please don’t â€“ we still have the utmost respect for one another, and we’d have to delete you. We aren’t taking questions or doing interviews about this particular aspect of our lives. We’re also avoiding reading any press on the subject, so don’t send us any clippings or links about the split. Thank you in advance for respecting our privacy.
Okay, guys, this is your big shot. Hurry on over to Jenna’s MySpace page and post a comment reminding her of what a loser cocksucker wash-out her husband is, and, if you live in the LA area, remind her that you have a screenplay, too. It’s kind of like Entourage meets The Sopranos, right? And you totally know someone who can get it into a studio, don’t you?
Get on it, kids! This won’t last long!
Update: I feel obliged to mention that, in June, Jenna Fischer was our best guess for the married prime-time star propositioning her boyish co-star. Hmmm.