I got scared when I saw this photo of Jenna Elfman on the People’s Choice Awards red carpet. Don’t get me wrong, human pregnancy is a wonderful, beautiful thing … that scares the beejezus out of me. This photo screams the word “ADOPT.” Why do pregnant women have to look so distended? I look at this and it just doesn’t seem healthy. That’s okay. There are little orphans in Russia who will need my parenting one day. I think adopting is better anyway, especially from a foreign country. When you conceive and birth a child vaginally, she can be all like “You brought me into this world and so now you have to deal with my temper tantrums and my methamphetamine use and my late-night car sex with my much older, bearded, creepy boyfriend.” When they’re adopted you can always just be like, “Would you rather be in a Russian orphanage than inside doing your math homework? Someone would probably be raping you right now. Bet you wouldn’t be so fond of the creepy beard then. ”
Also, Cobra Starship has a gang sign. I know this because lead singer Gabe Saporta flashed it on the red carpet. Get it? One hand is the cobra and the other hand is the starship. Um, Evil Beet needs a gang sign you guys, like, ASAP. If you have ideas, email me the photo of you flashing it. We’re coming up with something.
Oh, Hayley Williams of Paramore. I think you’re one of the most talented young musicians coming up right now, but I cannot wait until you outgrow the “I need to be weird to be cool” phase. You’re a pretty girl. Stop un-doing that.
And Katie Cassidy. I understand that I’m supposed to hate you. I do not. I look forward to your red carpet photos and always think you’re beautiful and well-dressed. I hate myself a little for that, but it’s true. Plus you’re rocking the over-the-shoulder side braid that practically brought me to tears of joy on Rachel McAdams. I wear my hair like that all the time now. I’m wearing it like that in my new Facebook photo. I just wish it were longer so it could look that beautiful! (Do they do clip-in side braids?)
A billion other photos from the red carpet are in the gallery below. The Glee kids were there, which makes me happy. I don’t know who won. I don’t especially care. Maybe Molly will come on later and tell you, and maybe she won’t. I don’t expect many of you care, and everyone on Twitter said the actual awards show sucked. It’s all about the dresses, baby! (And the gang signs.)