This is really, really devastating and I’m not quite sure how to put this so I’m going to spit it out and hopefully we can talk about it after if you’re not too upset: Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole broke up. I know! I know! It’s OK! Calm down! The holidays are a tough time for everyone, maybe it could just be a break! Who knows? I know I never saw the perfection that is this couple parting ways, so maybe there’s a chance we’ll get a Christmas miracle and they’ll reconcile.

Seriously though: I guess these two morons broke up a couple weeks ago and have been keeping their split on the DL. The two were dating for about a year (it seems like so much longer than that since we first saw that pretty, evil little face yelling at Audrina on The Hills for allegedly hooking up with her man, right?) and broke up around December 11th when Brody returned from a trip to Australia. The reasons for the break-up were unclear, but the two fought constantly and had quite a bit of drama this summer with the whole Joe Francis incident.

One endearingly stupid thing though? Jayde Tweeted on December 18th, “Sometimes when you truly love someone you have to let them go…I never really understood that quote until now.” LOL @ Jayde Nicole not understanding the quote she paraphrased “until now”. Man, I have the potential to miss that idiot, I think.

The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

The Jayde Nicole vs. Joe Francis battle is heating up and now even more evidence is coming in. Jayde shared a link on her Twitter last night to the 911 calls that were placed at Guys and Dolls by two separate people, one a man and one a woman. The calls don’t sound like they were made by Brody or Jayde, but the person on the phone seems desperate to have a sheriff come down so they can press charges.

While quite a bit of news supporting Joe’s claim that he did not hit Jayde and that she’s exaggerating the entire incident (such as security camera footage from the bar), Jayde is still maintaining that she was attacked and has been complaining on her Twitter that she’s in a great deal of pain still and even had to miss her boyfriend’s birthday.

So, in light of recent domestic violence stories in the news and keeping in mind that we’re dealing with a trio of famewhoring nobodies, who do you think telling the truth?