Yesterday evening, Beyonce and Jay-Z did a really surprising thing: they posted pictures of their little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy, on Jay-Z’s site. I say it’s surprising because wouldn’t it make sense that a baby who gets diamond earrings and platinum bracelets would get a glamorous photo shoot in Vogue or something? It caught me a little off guard that the pictures were just posted online. What’s way more surprising though is that we’re seeing little Blue at all. For a couple as private as Beyonce and Jay-Z, and for all the rumors of surrogacy that have been going around, you’d think that it would be a good long while before we’d see any pictures at all. Not so much, I guess.

But hey, is this baby gorgeous or what? I mean, I’m one of those people who think babies are precious and adorable always, but this baby is just beautiful. I’m pretty sure it’s the hair. But her little hands and her little nose and her little baby lips! Babies, you guys! Can you even stand it?!

There’s already a lot of talk surrounding these photos: some people say the baby looks like Jay-Z and not Beyonce at all, some people say the baby doesn’t look like either of them, some people say that the baby doesn’t look to be the right age. Some people are saying that some of the pictures look Photoshopped, and some people are saying that Beyonce’s perfect hair post-delivery is a little suspect. Basically, people are saying a lot of things.

What do you guys think about the pictures? Where do you stand on the surrogacy situation, or do you even care anymore now that you’ve seen this beautiful baby? Oh, and speaking of caring, Mariah Carey didn’t want to be outdone by these long-awaited baby pictures, so she went ahead and posted a really good one of Dem Babies a couple minutes after we were introduced to Blue Ivy:

BABIES!

File it under “You Didn’t Hear It From Us”: numerous reports this week claimed that Oprah had been crowned godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s infant daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

I am pleased to announce that you never read any such thing here at Evil Beet Gossip. But boy, if we had reported it, we’d be eating crow right about now.

Oprah’s bestie Gayle King sets the record straight (via Pop2it):

“It’s absolutely not true that she’s the godmother,” King said. “She’s friends with them, of course, and likes them both very much. She’s working on sending them a baby gift. She hasn’t even had time to send a baby gift because she’s been away.”

See? How could Oprah be the godmother when she hasn’t even sent a gift yet?

That baby better watch out when Oprah does send something, though. Kid’s sure to get fifteen cars and a rehabbed kitchen (you’ll find the keys taped to the underside of your high chair, honey).

King added, “Let me just say, if (that report is) true, it is news to her. It is news to her. You know, she was heading to South Africa when the baby was born.”

Don’t you get it, people? Oprah would make a great godmother, but Oprah is busy. Oprah is very happy about the new baby—Oprah loves babies!—but Oprah has much, much bigger fish to fry.

The entire article in a nutshell:

This is a poem written by new daddy Jay-Z, released just a week after that lovely ‘Glory’ song that was written about his new little girl. He’s on fire with this creativity stuff, huh? Babies are so inspirational, aren’t they? You can tell that this new daddy is completely smitten with his little angel, and I think that’s really sweet.

… But the thing that concerns me, really, is the whole “no man will degrade her, or call her names.” It’s really nice and idealistic to think that, and obviously, as a parent, to wish for that, but it’s kind of concerning that Jay-Z thinks that because he says so, the “bitch” word is going to die and be unceremoniously buried in the Garden of Obsolescence.

I’m glad that Jay sees the error of his ways in referring to women as bitches and hoes and objectifying them in a manner that shows they’re only good for one thing (BLOWJOBS, MOTHERF-CKER), but the damage has been done by him and by others who shared this similar point of view for decades and centuries. And the whole “I curse those that give it”? Isn’t that kind of a spit in the face to the concept of a lesson well-learned? I mean, he could come across as a little more contrite and say, “Yeah, you know, I made a mistake and now I see the error of my ways and I can’t judge others who have made similar mistakes, but hope they see the light, too.” That comment in itself kind of indicates that the only reason he’s not OK with calling dem wimminz bitches and hoes is because he’s got a daughter now, and if he weren’t a new father, well. Things might still be otherwise. I’m just … I don’t know. Still trying to work this one out in my head, I suppose. It’s early. I’ve got all morning to think about Jay-Z.

I guess what I am trying to say, Jay, in my non-eloquent way, is that regardless of who you are, how much money’s in your bank account, or whatever clout you think you have over others – people WILL degrade her and call her names. It’s not pretty, it’s not right, and hopefully that’ll all change one day, but it’s just the way the world is. And your job is to raise that little girl with the best knowledge possible in how to deal with it and build her self-worth and esteem so that no amount of negative words can tear her down.

That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?

But wait, what about this little line?

“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic

We was afraid you’d disappear

But nah baby you magic.”

That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.

Speaking of insensitive, you know who is also insensitive to Bey and Jay right now? All the other people who happened to have babies on the same weekend as Beyonce’s surrogate:

A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.

Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.

He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”

Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.

Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:

Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.

We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.

According to NYDailyNews.com, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.

Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”

Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.

One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”

Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?

One more thing: Beyonce and Jay-Z just released a statement about the birth:

“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”

So she was born naturally now?  Can someone please keep their story straight?

Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.

But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”

Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.

But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.

According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”

But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.

Please just tell me that. Because your very life could depend on it. I know, I know, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t photographed together all that often (the photo that you see above is from two years ago), but trust me, they are married. They’re even allegedly having or already had a baby together. Got it? Now remember it.

Because, not to freak you out or anything, because if you forget this vital little piece of celebrity gossip, you could end up stabbed. And shhh, nobody’s trying to scare you! It’s ok! You probably won’t get stabbed for not knowing every single little thing about popular singers and actors! But you might. Because some guy in Ohio actually did get stabbed because he wasn’t aware of the sacred union of Bey and Jay:

A fight over a music video led to a Garfield Heights man being stabbed outside a Parma apartment on New Year Eve.

Det. Marty Compton of the Parma Police Department tells Fox 8 News that Ronald Deaver, 31, of Parma, was arrested and charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing a 48-year-old Garfield Heights man following an argument.

Det. Compton says the fight began because the victim did not know that singer Beyonce’s husband is rapper Jay-Z.

An arrest report obtained by Fox 8 News states the alleged stabbing occurred around 11:00 p.m. on December 31, 2011, outside Deaver’s apartment on Broadview Road.

Det. Compton says authorities were called following the stabbing and the victim was taken to a local hospital. He was later transferred to MetroHealth Medical Center where he is currently listed in good condition.

Police attempted to locate Deaver at his apartment, but according to the report, a woman in the residence, Jennifer Fornari, 31, told officers that Deaver no longer lived there.

Deaver was located by police a short time later and Fornari was arrested on an obstructing justice charge.

Ok, so good news: this guy has been arrested. He’s off the streets, so you don’t have to live in fear that the next time you’re walking down the street with a friend who offers up some good gossip that you haven’t heard yet, you’re getting knifed. Bad news: who knows how many other people like this character, this Ronald Deaver, are out there? People take this kind of stuff very seriously, but hey, I guess I don’t need to tell you that now though, huh?

To keep you guys safe when you’re out there in the real world, I’ve compiled a short list of celebrity facts that you might want to memorize, just in case you’re ever in this situation. Read them closely, you guys, and if you ever feel like you’re in danger, don’t be afraid to shout “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A FOOT FETISH, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.” Who knows, it might save your life.

- Sarah Michelle Gellar used to be a competitive figure skater.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley grew up on a farm and used to shoot pheasants and bunny rabbits.

- Scarlett Johansson won an award for having the best boobs in Hollywood.

- Nicolas Cage has severe vertigo.

- Christina Aguilera was drunk when she recorded the album version of “Beautiful.”

- Avril Lavigne once called herself “a Sid Vicious for the new generation.”

- Sarah Jessica Parker acted in a production of The Sound of Music when she was little, along with four of her siblings.

Ok, that’s a start. Just get those in your mind, and stay alert, you guys.

And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:

“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”

Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?

Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.

Well, if that fetus is a boy, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot that he’s going to look a little something like that picture above.

A forensic artist named Dr. D’Lynn Waldron made up this little image to show the world what she thinks the male spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z will look like. Handsome little fella, right? Dr. Waldron imagines that the kid will have “father’s feature’s, mother’s eyes.”

Let’s take this a few steps further, shall we? I think this child will have the artistry and grace of Beyonce with the business sense and … um … another positive quality of Jay-Z. What do you wish for this child?

Image courtesy of TMZ

At last night’s VMAs, Beyonce showed up in a red muu muu, where her bump was undeniable. Even though everyone already knew she was pregnant the second she walked in the door, she took the announcement even further – she performed her single ‘Love on Top,’ and afterward, opened her sequined jacket and rubbed her baby bump while the crowd cheered and Jay-Z smiled hugely from the audience and I CRIED. Seriously, real tears. I know it’s an extreme thing, that a Beyonce-Jay-Z baby could move me to tears, but hey. Everybody’s got a chink in their armor and this one’s mine, I suppose. One way or the other, I dare you to watch the last thirty seconds of this video and *not* crack a smile.

Sources close to the couple say:

“They told friends in the last month. She’s never been happier. Seriously it’s all she’s been waiting for. And Jay is like an excited kid. They’re adorable.”

Yes, yes they are adorable. Congratulations, guys!

I don’t know about you guys, but these lists always intrigue the crap out of me. These celebrity “power couples,” as they’re often referred to, bring in, like, unbelievable wads of cash annually. Jaw-dropping amounts.

I mean, this kind of money is money that I can’t even fathom having, and the craziest part is that there are people out there – both single and partnered up – who earn, like, quadruple this.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady topped the list this year, bringing in just around $76 million bucks. And that’s just the reported income. You can’t tell me that there isn’t some under-the-table stuff going on somewhere there.

The rest of the list is as follows:

2. Jay-Z and Beyonce – $72 million

3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – $50 million

Jump in for the rest of the list –

4. David and Victoria Beckham – $45 million

5. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart – $40 million

So, there you have it, folks. A comprehensive list, totaling just about 283 million dollars, if my math’s correct. I know that wouldn’t, like, cure the nation’s financial problems, but imagine if all celebrities who made over $500k a year donated their annual earnings to fixing up the state of the country and went and lived with their parents for a little while. We’d be as ballin’ as we really think we are then, you know?

This girl here? Is a big Beyonce fan. Not so much of her music – I never got into the whole hip-hop/club thing (or, you know, hip hop of any kind) – but Bey strikes me as a can-do type of girl, and she’s totally sweet and gorgeous and talented, too. In spite of her choice of musical genre, I can fully appreciate Beyonce Knowles, and EVEN look past that whole Destiny’s Child thing.  Nuts, right?

However, I’m not really digging the blonde. It’s too … I don’t know. It looks like something Nicki Minaj would try to pull off, poorly, and doesn’t really enhance the natural beauty that Beyonce’s clearly got.

Incidentally, I heard that B and Jay-Z are looking into a trial separation. Say it’s not fucking so, I know … MediaTakeout confirms that there’s a rift beginning between the two – over children and the lack thereof – and Jay-Z is moving to LA to lease a mansion, which he wants to fill up with kids. The sources say that Beyonce is nixing the idea, and still wants to focus on her career. She’ll be staying in New York.

I don’t know what to make of all this, guys. Beyonce hasn’t had an unflattering hair color since the late nineties, so this could actually be a sign of big things happening.

You know, “Monster,” the one with Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, and Bon Iver?  I wouldn’t want you to be the clueless one when all your co-workers are talking about the thematic elements of the video, the effects of Kanye’s hubris, and his sweet diamond teeth tomorrow morning.

The only artist in this big musical orgy I listen to regularly is Bon Iver, and even then it’s just one song, but I can’t stop listening to this damn song.  I caught this video right before I went out on Friday afternoon, and you best believe I was telling all the cheap champagne bottles at the Kroger that “everybody knows I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” under my breath while browsing.

You can go ahead and start the scholarly analysis of the themes in the video in the comments (I’m going to get started on my essay on Kanye’s role as the tragic hero with strong references to both Aristotle and Joseph Campbell), but first I just wanted to point out that Kanye solidly rhymes the word “esophagus.”  If anyone was doubting his skills, I’d go ahead and stop that talk right now.