Last night, Mike Sorrentino and Jesse Eisenberg were both guests on Leno—Sorrentino was promoting the new season of Jersey Shore, of course, while Eisenberg was out in support of his new comedy, 30 Minutes or Less.

So when Jay Leno asked Sorrentino to illustrate his pick-up lines on, say, young Mr. Eisenberg, Sorrentino was only too willing.

And since none of us watches Leno, I’ll just post the clip! Here’s the Situation, demonstrating his command of the Italian tongue (heh):

A transcript of Mike Sorrentino’s sweet nothings:

Leno: OK, let’s suppose that Jesse is an attractive Italian woman—what would you say? Jesse, sitting and minding his own business, having a drink at the bar, what would you say?

Jesse: [reaches for his coffee cup]

Mike: Um, I would have to say—

Jesse: [sips demurely]

Leno: You see? See, the perfect actor, having a drink.

Mike: You know what? I would have to say, “Ciao, signorina.” That means, uh, “Hello, miss,” in Italian.

Jesse: I, uh, I don’t think I would respond to that.

Leno: Really!

Mike: Yeah, and then I’d go—I would proceed to “go in,” which means I would go in for some sort of compliment. And I would say, “Che dolce,” which means, “You are sweet.”

Jesse: [mumbling] Oh, yes.

Leno: I like that. OK.

Mike: And from that particular point, “Andiamo alla casa!” Let’s go to the house!

I realize that almost all late-night talk television is meticulously scripted. But last night, when smarmy Tonight Show host Jay Leno asked Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Larry David about his 2007 divorce, Larry’s side of the conversation sure had the uncomfortable ring of authenticity.

Larry David on his ex-wife:

Well, she thought that it would be nice to have sex with someone she liked. She wanted to try that. Y’know? She figured she’d give that…. And I said, it’s not a good idea. Because you never wanna have sex with people you like. That doesn’t work. No. You can’t have good sex with people you like. Doing those things? And then you’re supposed to talk to them?

If any of you out there are experiencing massive Conan O’Brien withdrawals, I’ve got a temporary solution for you: Conan’s finally on Twitter. So far all he’s got up is this one Tweet as well as a chuckle-worthy bio that reads, “I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account.” Too true, Conan. Too true.

Conan’s been signed up to use Twitter for less than a full day, but he already has close to 300,000 followers. Pretty impressive. The guy who got him fired from his job, Jay Leno, has been on Twitter for months, has made a little over 500 Tweets and has an embarrassingly low 30,000 followers. Damn. That’s like, 10% of Conan’s followers.

It’s a real shame that your number of Internet fans doesn’t factor in to your television ratings, huh?

Tomorrow’s Oprah is going to be some serious must-see TV. Jay Leno taped an interview with her yesterday talking mainly, I would assume, about his recent battle with Conan O’Brien for the seat at The Tonight Show. A snippet has been released online, and it does not make Jay sound good. I’ll touch more on that in a second, but read this first:

Oprah: “Have you talked to Conan in person?”

Jay: “I haven’t talked to him through all this. No. I haven’t.”

Oprah: “Did you want to pick up the phone?”

Jay: “Yeah, but it didn’t seem appropriate.”

Oprah: “Why?”

Jay: “I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know?”

Oprah: “Were any of the things that he said about you hurtful?”

Jay: “No. They were jokes. And that’s okay. I mean — ”

Oprah: “So jokes don’t hurt you.”

Jay: “It’s what we do, you know? You can’t — it’s like being a fighter and say when you got punched in the head, did it hurt? Well, yeah. But you’re a fighter. That’s what you do.”

To me that reads like Jay’s a total puss. To see the level of integrity that we saw from Conan over the last few weeks versus this guy saying that he can’t even pick up the phone and say “Sorry, man. I know this sucks, but I’m kind of doing what I have to do,” is pathetic. It’s not public opinion that the two of them are friends, but that seems to be the most obvious gesture one human who’s fucking over another human could make. Furthermore, his attitude implies that he knows he was wrong in taking back his job after ceremoniously handing it down to the next person in line. In a way, the only thing respectable about Jay Leno right now is that he’s at least willing to go on Oprah and admit what a jellyfish he really is.

“You can do these things until they get carried out on a stretcher or you can get out while you’re still doing good.” Yeah, you said it, Leno! Honestly, you really did say that two years ago when you announced you were quitting The Tonight Show. Too bad there’s enough trolls with two year old episodes of your crappy show DVR’d in the world to call you out. Sounds like you’re singing a very different tune now, though. Sucks you had to turn Team CoCo against you in the process, man. Hope the new show goes great!

OK, let’s put this one to bed after this post, huh?

Conan O’Brien has finally come to an agreement with NBC. He’s going to take 45 million total to go fuck off. He will keep about 33 million of that and the rest will be divided up as severance amongst his staff. His very last show will be this coming Friday (with guest Barry Manilow) and Jay Leno will resume his job as host of The Tonight Show on March 1st. Of course Conan had to fight to get his 200+ staff members a cut of the deal, which is ridiculous when you think about it because it was only about a year ago that all of those people had to move from New York to Los Angeles with promises of new jobs.

After September 1st, Conan will be freed up form his NBC contract all together and ready to start a new job. Reports are saying that he’s anxious to do so and there’s rumors that he could find his home anywhere from Fox to FX to the Internet. It was amazing what he was able to do on his show with the restrictions of a major network behind him, so maybe we’ll get to see a whole new Conan if he moves to cable.

This clip is worth a watch (at least to say you’ve heard the other side), but I’m Team CoCo to the death.

I’ve been waiting all week for Saturday Night Live to chip in with some Conan vs. Leno jokes, but sadly, this Larry King Live spoof was pretty much all they had to offer. Seth Meyers did make crack one pretty funny joke during Weekend Update (“This week, you didn’t need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV.”), but other than that… yeesh. Maybe Zucker threatened to ice them as well?

Conan O’Brien is almost definitely 100% out the door at NBC, but he’s supposedly getting a $30 million dollar apology check. Of course these rumblings are fairly certain but still considered to be rumors as NBC and/or Conan’s camp are staying silent on the details. On the flip, Conan’s not shutting up about his distaste for the network and last night he once again came out swinging in his monologue. Some choice jokes:

“Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien — future answer to a $200 “Jeopardy” question.

“Welcome to tonight’s show. By the time you see this, I’ll be halfway to Rio in a stolen NBC traffic copter.”

“In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.”

“According to the Nielsen Company our ratings are way, way up this week. And that’s nothing — wait till you see what we have planned for February.”

And while $30 million may seem like more than enough to cover the guy, NBC is reportedly stipulating that if Conan moves on to another network within a certain time period, they don’t have to pay him that full amount. From TheWrap:

The deal came following a battle between the two camps over whether O’Brien’s contract specifically guaranteed that “The Tonight Show” must air at 11:35 p.m.

As TheWrap previously reported, Team Conan was insisting that NBC has breached O’Brien’s contract because, it argued, the deal had a timeslot guarantee.

NBC’s response: No, there is no such guarantee of a specific timeslot for “Tonight.” So as long as we keep something called “The Tonight Show” on the air, there is no breach.

If NBC had been in breach, it would have owed Conan around $40 million (and as much as $50 million, according to some reports), as a penalty.

People close to NBC insisted the network would not yield on this point– it wouldn’t admit it had breached O’Brien’s deal.

One solution that had been on the table Friday, according to TheWrap’s Josef Adalian: Agreeing to disagree over the timeslot issue and instead settling on a pay or play fee.

This late night TV drama is the worst. I really just need to admit to myself that the only times I ever watched Conan were on Hulu or back in his Late Night days and move on. I’m prepared to go a year without Conan so that I don’t have to talk about this anymore. It blows goats that someone who’s made me laugh so hard over the years is getting railroaded by a bunch of losers, but like… see ya in a year, man. It’s not that long of a time.

Oh, BTW! If you missed Kimmel ripping Leno a new one over and over and over again the other night, check out this video. It’s awesome:

Image from Mashable.com

Conan O’Brien is done with NBC, so reports are saying. NBC has yet to officially confirm this news, but that’s the word on the street/Internet. Conan’s reign is scheduled to end next Friday, January 22nd. NBC had scheduled a hiatus for the show that was supposed to start the 25th, but in light of all of this crazy bullshit, Conan’s taking off a few days early.

What was the final straw? I guess NBC/Universal president & CEO Jeff Zucker was so cold and nasty throughout the negotiations that Conan became too turned off to consider going back. From Nikki Finke’s blog:

And while Jeff Zucker has not stepped up and taken responsibility for this mess he set in in motion in the first place — by replacing Leno with Conan O’Brien as host of The Tonight Show even though Jay was No. 1 in his time slot at the time — he’s been busy behind the scenes. I’ve already reported how Zucker has been privately blaming Conan for the current debacle, saying “He let me down” because The Tonight Show for the last 7 months since O’Brien took over has been losing out to David Letterman in both eyeballs and advertiser-coveted demographics. (Bullshit, Zucker, you can’t keep blaming others for your Zuck-ups.) Bad enough that Zucker made Conan hear about the planned move in the first place from the media.

…

One rep even compared Zucker to “Darth Vader” because the NBCU chief “has been so evil” about this. His 3 1/2-years threat comes because O’Brien has another 2 1/2 half years left to run on his contract, and NBC could also enforce a clause that keeps Conan off television for a year or more after that.

The backlash from Conan fans all over the Internet (it’s been somewhat of a craze the last few days) probably don’t help the fact that NBC’s ratings have been at an all-time low recently.

I’ll keep you updated as more details (and a confirmation) come in…

Jimmy Kimmel kind of blew everyone away last night when he entered the stage of his own show last night dressed up like Jay Leno to deliver his monologue. Pretty funny bit, especially since Jimmy is often the forgotten host of late night. What was funnier though, was that he kept the bit up for the entire show, hosting with a prosthetic chin and wig and telling “Leno jokes” (Sample: “Do you know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan.”) Perhaps one of the best parts of the whole thing is Jimmy’s bandleader, Cleto Escobedo, doing a Kevin Eubanks impression to the side. I don’t think anything about this whole stunt made me laugh as hard as Cleto’s Eubanks.

It’s about 40 minutes long, but if you have a chance to watch it on your lunch break, do it. It’s very much worth it.

As I told you earlier today, NBC put Conan O’Brien’s nuts in a vice this week and gave him an ultimatum: start your show at 12:05 after an 11:35 Leno show, or get moving. Pretty harsh considering Conan’s long relationship with the network and his cult-like fanbase. Then later today Conan released a statement saying that he’s not going to move his show, and NBC can figure it out on their own. Well, he says it far more eloquently than that. Here’s the statement:

People of Earth:In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Personally, I found this statement to be heart wrenching. Like the nicest guy in the room has a drunk slut draped over him and he just wants to make sure she gets in to her own bed unharmed. And Jimmy Fallon. Holy shit, is he one lucky sonnofabitch right now.