On Friday, we learned that January Jones is pregnant (we also learned that Prince Harry is a prince of unrivaled beauty, but that’s neither here nor there).  There are a lot of questions as to who the father is, but based on some recent statements by Jason Sudeikis, hilarious cast member of Saturday Night Live and January’s boy toy from July of last year to this past January, I think the mystery has been solved:

When I asked if he had any comment on the recent news about Jones, who split with Sudeikis back in January, he said, “I’d rather — yes but no.”

Was he surprised to find out she was pregnant?

“No, I —,” then he paused and stammed. “No, I didn’t have anything [else to say].” He stammered some more and that was the extent of our conversation on the subject. Sudeikis seemed comfortable being asked about the situation, just unwilling to say too much.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but in my experience, any time a dude stops and stutters and stumbles all over his words, it’s like “get the fuck out, fella.”  Especially a guy like Jason, who’s pretty solid with being funny at the drop of a hat, you know? Like, it should have been way easy for him to toss out a quick, witty answer if he was asked about some girl he dated for a few months and her fetus, but it wasn’t.  And that’s why he’s the one who knocked up January Jones.

If you haven’t heard by now, wading through the news of the Royal Wedding and their Royal Wedded Bliss, Mad Men‘s January Jones is with child. My first thoughts, seriously, when I heard this news? That this unborn child better not be the offspring of my boyfriend, Adrien Brody. I mean, remember back when it was rumored that Adrien had some kind of obvious lapse in judgment and allegedly hooked up with Jones? She’s been on the DL with her dating, or in this case, as she’s professing to be a ‘pregnant single mom,’ fucking, so the dad really could be anyone, but she’s remaining tight-lipped as to who her baby daddy is. I wonder if she knows. Hell, I wonder if whoever HE is knows.

Uh, congrats. Just don’t let me find out that daddy dearest is Adrien Brody, or I’m going to snit the fuck out.

You want to hear something crazy? I’ve never seen a single episode of Mad Men. I know, I know, bizarre, right? The show seems right up my alley — kitschy, retro production design, fabulous wardrobes, ‘manly’ men, the goddess Christina Hendricks (oh, and my once-nemesis, January Jones), and yeah. Never saw it.  Knowing me, I’ll probably get into it in the last season it airs or something, because that’s usually how I roll.  I’m a big fan of Kiefer Sutherland and 24, but I didn’t even watch that show until it was in its second-to-last season. But hey. I guess everyone’s got their flaws, right?  I totally make up for it in other ways, thanks.

Anyway, Jon Hamm, who is also known as Don Draper in Mad Men, was photographed yesterday afternoon in LA looking, dare I say it, absolutely fuckable.

Anyway, yup Jon Hamm. Thanks for making my morning totally hot. Happy Friday!

You know, being a celebrity gossip blogger, you have to have a certain vitriol running through your veins. You can’t harbor any discrimination when it comes to making fun of the good, the bad, and the ugly of celebrity. There’s no one off limits.

A lot of times, I’ll come across a great story that I know I just have to write up, and I rub my hands together and cackle with glee over the misfortune (or how I could spin a non-misfortune) of another, much “luckier” person.

However, this is not one of those times. I read this story in the The Sun — which frequently presents stories about Bat-Boy, or something, if that tells you anything — and I found myself bothered in a multitude of ways. The story claimed that a source witnessed Britney Spears abusing her two young sons in a rather awful way:

TROUBLED pop star BRITNEY SPEARS faces a probe into allegations that she abused her two young sons. Social workers will quiz her over claims she beat one with a belt and gave both food they were allergic to – making them violently ill.

Investigators were approached by the singer’s former bodyguard FERNANDO FLORES – who claims he was forced to quit his job due to Britney’s erratic behaviour.

It is understood that the 28-year-old star strongly denies the claims and insists she has never mistreated four-year-old SEAN PRESTON and JAYDEN JAMES, three. But Flores, 29, has told the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services he feels Britney is too unstable to be left in charge of her sons …

(more…)

But no. No one ever heeds my advice. And look what happens. The hottest man in the world ends up shagging a woman who wrecks a bunch of cars and walks away (literally), shrugging her shoulders.

Yep, January Jones, star of Mad Men and alleged girl-thing of my main squeeze, Adrien Brody, was involved in four-car smashup earlier last night. The LAPD stated that Jones hit three cars with her own Range Rover, causing substantial damages. After a witness called the accident in, Jones was reported to take off on foot, claiming that she couldn’t stick around for this kind of madness (no pun intended). Jones later returned to the scene and told police officers that she’d taken off because the paparazzi had been hounding her. Likely.

Currently, there are no factors of drugs or alcohol to consider, but one never really knows, do they?

See, Adrien? I’m not gonna say ‘I told you so,’ but, damn, boyfriend. I told you so.

Changed your mind yet, have you?

Dear Adrien Brody:

I love you. I’ve loved you since I first saw you in The Pianist. When you looked out from your Nazi-ravaged apartment and directly into the camera, we had a moment. I’d swear on all that’s holy that we did. I write this letter to you with a heavy heart and a burning pit that resides in the depths of my stomach, for I fear that I’m going unnoticed by you as of late.

And now.  Now I hear rumors that you’re dating January Jones and I have to ask: what’s the appeal? Why not me, Adrien? Oh, the things that I would do to you (and for you!) had I the chance. I could take you around the block and show you the world all in one jaunt more than a few times. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, I’m your girl; I’m married. What type of woman knows how to force a make a relationship last other than one who’s married? If it’s a quick sexual fling that you’re into, I campaign to be your first choice. I could show you things that I’m willing to bet you’ve never seen (uh, guaranteed) before.

But January Jones, man. January Jones. She’s the chick that was supposed to be banging Jeremy “Cause of Death: Undercooked Fish” Piven. And she was hooking up with Ashton Kutcher at one point and he was known for screwing some pretty smarmy, easy chicks. She even dated crazy-eyed Josh Groban. Yeah, she’s probably appealing in that she’s “eclectic” sort of way ’cause she likes a strange blend of dudes that’d rival mixing espresso and lime juice or whatever, but count me unimpressed.

Anyway, I implore you to lay off the skinny, horse-faced blonde. She’s not for you, Adrien, and I’m not saying this because I fervently want to solicit your penis and eventually, your burning, mutually-undying love; I’m saying this because I want you to be happy in a way that only I know how to induce.  Not that skinny, horse-faced January Jones.

I wish you luck, Adrien, but no other woman could love you like I would.

Total sadface,
Sarah

PS -
I’m totally going to see Predators, even though I’m sure it’s going to suck. Doesn’t that gesture itself speak volumes?