Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jaleel White

Steve Urkel’s Unstable, Lady-Beater Side Came Out to Play on Dancing With the Stars, Whee!

photo of steve urkel mug shot pics
From Us Weekly:

Dancing with the Stars celeb Jaleel White had a seriously bad rehearsal session with pro partner Kym Johnson on Friday — leading to a “heated” confrontation in which Mark Ballas and show producers eventually intervened, an insider tells Us Weekly exclusively. The Family Matters alum, 35, “flipped out,” the insider says, after he accidentally stepped on Johnson’s foot. When Johnson, 35, exclaimed “ouch” over his blunder, the insider says, White “got in her face,” and chastised her for “acting like a baby . . . He was shouting at her, calling her an ‘idiot.’”

As Johnson momentarily left the studio in tears, fellow celeb competitor Donald Driver overheard the commotion and “tried to calm him down,” the insider says. Unmoved, White “started going off on the producers and shouting about how they put him with a ‘stupid’ partner.”

So, what does this mean, then? Is Jaleel White going to pull a Chris Brown and try to punch his dancing partner to death on live television and think that’s going to earn him a perfect 10? Or be able to perform at the Grammys (twice!) in a few years when “people have forgotten about the incident”? Because I’ve got news for you: unless said dance partner somehow happens to be Rush Limbaugh or the Reverend Fred Phelps, ratings are going to be at an all-time low.

It’s a horse of a different color when you go from beating your wife behind closed doors to beating people infinitely more famous than you are for the whole world to see, you know.

Cee Lo’s New Music Video, Starring Steve Urkel!

I knew you guys were wondering what our favorite breast implant-punching, bulge-wielding fella, Jaleel White, has been up to these days. And I’ve got the answer for you: starring as Cee Lo Green in Cee Lo’s music videos.

I like Cee Lo’s style pretty well, his musical style anyway, but I’ll be damned if I can watch this video without thinking of anything other than Steve Urkel. I think what happened for this particular video is that Steve made a mistake with his sciences and made some sort of clone of Stefan, his suave alter ego, and OGD, his gangster cousin, and that’s who this guy is in the video. Because Jaleel White was never and can never be his own person.

There’s a Pity Party in Steve Urkel’s Pants

Steve Urkel! What are you pointing at??I have a pointed, embarrassing fixation with Jaleel White. A lot of gals-of-a-certain-age might, I think, if only because Family Matters was the first time many-a-preteen tingled at the sight of a guy in too-tight highwater pants. Wait, what? OK, maybe that’s just me. (We’ll call it a neurological misfire.)

Jaleel White is 34 years old now. He’s never had the comeback Doogie had (although maybe Jaleel’s low profile is for the best). Still, he’s spoken before about the challenge of continuing to embody Steve Urkel — a sexually arrested, rodent-voiced geek — even as he entered his teens and his voice deepened.

Um, about that. Jaleel White recently spoke to Vanity Fair, and specifically about Steve Urkel’s crotch:

The fact is that I was maturing. I knew physically I had made certain sacrifices to keep that property alive that just couldn’t be made anymore. I wasn’t changing my hair; I was staying out of the gym. To be honest, I was retarding my own growth as a man in order to maintain the authenticity to what I thought that character should be.

…I was getting network notes on the bulge of my sack! I wore my pants so freaking tight and it was like, after awhile, we got a problem there. So, literally, the last season we loosened up his pants.

I… I’m actually really frustrated right now. I don’t even know what dick joke to make. I didn’t think I could even be this uncomfortable.

It’s like, now I understand why Jaleel White has never successfully staged that career comeback: he’s so synonymous with Urkel, I cannot emotionally distinguish his “sack bulge” from Steve Urkel’s sack bulge. Excuse me while I go die.

But wait! The interview isn’t over yet!

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Steve Urkel Was Accused Of Domestic Abuse

TMZ reports that Bridget Hardy, the mother of Jaleel White’s child, has filed a report with the LAPD, claiming that White abused her.  The incident, which occurred about two weeks ago, happened while the whole little family was out for a drive. Jaleel “punched her in one of her breast implants,” and when they got home he hit her, then pushed her against a toilet.

Jaleel’s people had this to say about the matter:

“There was absolutely no battery … no abuse … and the incident never happened. This is just a ploy in an ongoing custody battle over their young daughter to tarnish his name.”

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the punching of the breast implant part of the story.  Is that an actual thing, do people do that?  I’m not trying to make light of domestic violence, alleged though it may be, I am just really confused about the possibility of the existence of breast implant punchers.