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Hugh Hefner

Hey, So Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner Actually Got Married!

photo of crystal harris wedding dress pictures
And on New Year’s Eve, too, just like everyone said. Go figure—it actually happened this time.

Anyway, this is Crystal Harris and her newly (even more) jacked face on her wedding day to poor, frail Hugh Hefner, who I’m starting to pity more and more as the days go by. That dress sure is pretty though, huh?

The couple got married at the Playboy mansion earlier this week, and this is what Hugh the Man had to say about his newest blushing bride:

“Crystal & I married on New Year’s Eve in the Mansion with Keith as my Best Man … Love that girl!”

Which, hey. Sure. I guess when you’re going to be eighty-seven years old, you should be pretty thankful and happy for anything that happens to you, because really, at that age especially, you never do know which life event is going to be your last. With Hugh at almost ninety years old, this could very well be his final wedding. I mean, it probably won’t be, but there’s always that chance that Crystal Harris could be the bride that inherits the fruits of the whole Playboy empire. Can you even imagine?

Hugh Hefner’s Runaway Bride Is Back!

A photo of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

A lot of things can happen in a year, you know? Blake Lively is on the fast track to marrying Ryan Reynolds, but this time last year, she was dating Leonardo DiCaprio, not to mention that she was right in the middle of that whole nude photo scandal. Likewise, Kim Kardashian is on the fast track to marrying Kanye West when just a year ago she was planning her wedding with Kris Humphries. Relationships can come and go just like a sultry summer wind, and if anybody knows that, it’s Hugh Hefner. Well, and Kim Kardashian, obviously.

But, if you’ll remember, last summer was supposed to be a special one for Hef. He was supposed to get married to Crystal Harris, but she left him a few days before the wedding and shacked up with Dr. Phil’s son. Last summer was crazy, wasn’t it? But like I said, a lot of things can happen in a year, so it shouldn’t be so surprising when I tell you that Hugh and Crystal are back together.

From People:

Crystal Harris, who left Hugh Hefner at the altar with a parting shot about his bedroom skills – calling him two-second man – is back at the Playboy mansion, and all seems good – for now.

“Yes I am his #1 girl again,” she Tweetedon Friday, confirming reports of a reconciliation. “Yes we are happy. Hope that clears up any confusion! Xo.”

Harris, 26, a onetime Playmate of the Month, and Hefner, 86, broke up in dramatic style in June 2011 with Harris calling off their wedding just days before the nuptials with 300 invited guests.

Hefner later expressed relief, saying, “I missed a bullet,” and Harris issued a half-apology for her comments to Howard Stern about Hef’s sexual skills.

Well, we’ll see, I guess. I don’t know, I’ve just always been under the impression that if a relationship doesn’t work the first time around, it’s probably not going to work the second time (OR THE NINTH OR TENTH TIME, PEOPLE WHO LIVE ABOVE ME. He always screams about how “I do all this shit for you, Kayla,” and by “all this shit,” I guess he means stomping around for 22 hours of the day and yelling at her constantly and testing out the new speakers in his douchey car by blasting shitty music right outside my window). Maybe that’s because my parents got divorced twice, or maybe it’s because I helped document Sinead O’Connor’s wacky relationship, but I just think that for the most part, if it’s not going to work, then it’s just not going to work.

But hey, do you think they’ll try to have another wedding?

Quotables: Hugh Hefner Questions Lindsay Lohan’s Stability

photo of lindsay lohan lips gif pics
“[The idea of Lindsay posing for Playboy] really came as a surprise to me. I kind of had mixed emotions about it initially, and then it turned into something bigger than life. I wasn’t quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it’s Tuesday or Thursday.”

The Playboy mogul on giving second thoughts to whether or not Lindsay Lohan would be mentally capable of dealing with a half-assed nudie shoot.

What does that say about your career trajectory if someone like HUGH HEFNER is questioning your ability to make sound decisions?


Crystal Harris’s Engagement Ring Now Up for Grabs

Photo: Crystal Harris celebrates her ex-wedding day in Vegas, June 18, 2011

I feel absolutely terrible. I actually believed earlier reports that Hugh Hefner‘s ex, Crystal Harris, pawned off her 3.39-carat engagement ring soon after jilting her fiancé. That would have been so tacky, if it were true.

But no: she was only getting it appraised in a pawn shop. Instead, Christie’s is doing the pawning. Wow! Classy! Harris’s ring will be up for auction next month.

Photo: Christie's has Crystal Harris's ill-fated diamond ring up on the auction block

So if you have somewhere between $20,000 and $30,000 in spending money, bid now! You could own this glamorous piece of celebrity history! But go to the bank first—I heard Crystal likes to be paid in singles.

Christie’s screenshot via TMZ

Oh Hef, WHY?

photo of hugh hefner planking pictures photos dead pics

No, friends, fear not – Hugh Hefner (that is him up there, you know) is not dead. He’s worse. He’s planking. And you all know how I feel about planking.

Reports say that Hef’s latest girlfriend thought it’d be funny to get a photo of her, ahem, boyfriend doing the stupid-ass trendy (?) thing, but I’m pretty concerned at how hard it was to get Hugh up on that table. And how hard it’s going to be to get him off (because I’m sure he’s probably still up there, waiting for EMS to arrive, ’cause old man bones just don’t flex like they used to don’t you know don’t you know).

I am just so, so sad.

Quotables: Were You Curious About Hugh Hefner’s Sex Life?

A photo of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

- Loving, doting Crystal Harris talking to Howard Stern about her ex-fiance, Hugh Hefner.

Thanks so much, girl. You know I was wondering what the life of a fame whore might be like. You know I was doing some serious pondering on the issue of marrying for money and also so more people would be interested in your vagina. So glad you could answer these questions. I know I can always count on you, Crystal. Never change!

Hugh Hefner “Didn’t See It Coming”

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris at 'An American in Paris' premiere, April 2011

There once was a bachelor named Hugh Hefner,
Loved Holly Madison; then he left her.
Instead, got engaged to one Crystal Harris
And attended the premiere of An American in Paris. (Pictured.)

Their 60-year age gap caused titters, and jeers,
But did it cause, too, wedding jitters and fears?
Though Hef could see her affection had faltered,
He was nonetheless blindsided when dumped at the altar.

What follows is from Hef’s interview with Piers Morgan;
Makes Hef seem real sad—Harris, more like a gorgon.
I’d like to keep rhyming and steal all the glory,
But as the journalists say, “Let the quotes write the story”:

Hugh Hefner:

…As we got very close to the marriage, you know, something was not right. But I didn’t see it coming, I truly didn’t see it coming.

At last Crys admitted her feet had gone cold,
Hef recommended just putting the wedding on hold.
He thought he’d reassured her; he’d obviously failed,
Because, by next morning, their relation-Ship had sailed:

That was only half the story obviously, because the next morning [after our conversation], without my knowledge, she was packing the bags.

Though it’s crystal-clear Crystal just used him, then shoved him,
Hef maintains that she really, really, really did love him:

I think an argument could be made that she took me for a ride, but I must say, quite frankly, it was a pretty nice ride. If she was faking it, she did it very well.

In conclusion—because I can’t keep this up—poor Hef! I really believe both of them. I have faith that Hef was genuinely marrying for something that maybe felt a little like love, and I believe Harris was totally sincere when she said, “Are you kidding? It was all for publicity.” Man, did Hugh Hefner ever dodge a bullet.

CNN has the whole video clip here. In other news, Hugh Hefner is not dead.