“[The idea of Lindsay posing for Playboy] really came as a surprise to me. I kind of had mixed emotions about it initially, and then it turned into something bigger than life. I wasn’t quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it’s Tuesday or Thursday.”

The Playboy mogul on giving second thoughts to whether or not Lindsay Lohan would be mentally capable of dealing with a half-assed nudie shoot.

What does that say about your career trajectory if someone like HUGH HEFNER is questioning your ability to make sound decisions?

YEAH LINDSAY.

I feel absolutely terrible. I actually believed earlier reports that Hugh Hefner‘s ex, Crystal Harris, pawned off her 3.39-carat engagement ring soon after jilting her fiancé. That would have been so tacky, if it were true.

But no: she was only getting it appraised in a pawn shop. Instead, Christie’s is doing the pawning. Wow! Classy! Harris’s ring will be up for auction next month.

So if you have somewhere between $20,000 and $30,000 in spending money, bid now! You could own this glamorous piece of celebrity history! But go to the bank first—I heard Crystal likes to be paid in singles.

Christie’s screenshot via TMZ

No, friends, fear not – Hugh Hefner (that is him up there, you know) is not dead. He’s worse. He’s planking. And you all know how I feel about planking.

Reports say that Hef’s latest girlfriend thought it’d be funny to get a photo of her, ahem, boyfriend doing the stupid-ass trendy (?) thing, but I’m pretty concerned at how hard it was to get Hugh up on that table. And how hard it’s going to be to get him off (because I’m sure he’s probably still up there, waiting for EMS to arrive, ’cause old man bones just don’t flex like they used to don’t you know don’t you know).

I am just so, so sad.

“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

- Loving, doting Crystal Harris talking to Howard Stern about her ex-fiance, Hugh Hefner.

Thanks so much, girl. You know I was wondering what the life of a fame whore might be like. You know I was doing some serious pondering on the issue of marrying for money and also so more people would be interested in your vagina. So glad you could answer these questions. I know I can always count on you, Crystal. Never change!

There once was a bachelor named Hugh Hefner,
Loved Holly Madison; then he left her.
Instead, got engaged to one Crystal Harris
And attended the premiere of An American in Paris. (Pictured.)

Their 60-year age gap caused titters, and jeers,
But did it cause, too, wedding jitters and fears?
Though Hef could see her affection had faltered,
He was nonetheless blindsided when dumped at the altar.

What follows is from Hef’s interview with Piers Morgan;
Makes Hef seem real sad—Harris, more like a gorgon.
I’d like to keep rhyming and steal all the glory,
But as the journalists say, “Let the quotes write the story”:

Hugh Hefner:

…As we got very close to the marriage, you know, something was not right. But I didn’t see it coming, I truly didn’t see it coming.

At last Crys admitted her feet had gone cold,
Hef recommended just putting the wedding on hold.
He thought he’d reassured her; he’d obviously failed,
Because, by next morning, their relation-Ship had sailed:

That was only half the story obviously, because the next morning [after our conversation], without my knowledge, she was packing the bags.

Though it’s crystal-clear Crystal just used him, then shoved him,
Hef maintains that she really, really, really did love him:

I think an argument could be made that she took me for a ride, but I must say, quite frankly, it was a pretty nice ride. If she was faking it, she did it very well.

In conclusion—because I can’t keep this up—poor Hef! I really believe both of them. I have faith that Hef was genuinely marrying for something that maybe felt a little like love, and I believe Harris was totally sincere when she said, “Are you kidding? It was all for publicity.” Man, did Hugh Hefner ever dodge a bullet.

CNN has the whole video clip here. In other news, Hugh Hefner is not dead.

“For a while, I’d been having second thoughts about everything, so I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately. It was all just happening too fast for me. I just sat back and thought about it all. Is this what I wanted? And it wasn’t. There was no fight. He understood, and we both agreed that it wasn’t the best idea to get married. He was doing it for me because he thought it was what I wanted. [I] wanted to be true to myself … This isn’t the lifestyle for me.”

Crystal Harris on ditching Hef and the idea of being married to one of the richer men in the US.

I’m also sure that the time of her break-up and releasing her Playboy cover being at the same time is just a total coincidence, too.