Lately, it feels like approximately 45% of my interpersonal contact is composed of Tiger Woods jokes. Like I’ll point out a dent in a car in a parking lot to a date: “Oh, yeah, huh. Looks like Tiger Woods’ wife got to it.” Or I’ll tell the grocery store sales clerk I’m a little short on cash: “Well, didja ever sleep with Tiger Woods? I hear there’s cash in that these days.” Or I’ll text one of my girlfriends to say “hey what r u up to?” and she’ll write back like “cant talk im fucking tiger woods right now.” It’s everywhere and it’s everything. I can’t wait until it’s over.
A tragically early investor in the Tiger Woods Mutual Pleasure Fund is porn star Holly Sampson, who announced on some weird porn-boob-touchy web show back in May that she’d fucked Tiger Woods. (She has also fucked Kevin Costner, talks at length about the size of his penis, no pun intended, and then mentions banging Steven Dorff, which is a tidbit I personally would have left out.) It’s not especially clear from the story whether he was married when she banged him (she mentions specifically that her tryst with Kevin Costner happened before his marriage, but she doesn’t say the same thing for Tiger), but the way she describes it all is pretty dirty sounding. Like, she was “performing” at some bachelor party — it’s not clear if it was Tiger’s — and then he “picked” her to take into a back room and pound with Tiger Jr. Ewww. “Picking” porn stars to bang at a bachelor party — now that’s class.
Anyway. You probably oughtn’t watch this video at work, just FYI. But definitely watch it at some point. It’s a good one.